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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - THE ABORTIONLESS ABORTION


Having grown up in a religious household, I've seen my fair share of anti-abortion fanatics. Embarrassingly enough, as a kid I even participated in anti abortion rallies, but I only did it for the Oreos. A short while ago I was outside of a free clinic in Brooklyn for a completely unrelated issue when I was accosted by a short, fat Jewish lady touting the most abortion-y abortion alternative this side of the East River. (Everyone knows that in Manhattan, girls just pop morning-after pills like they're candy.)

As I was entering the building the woman approached me, waving a handful of papers and shouting, "there are other solutions!"
"Excuse me?" She was, as said, short and fat. She also had a bad case of the crazy eye.
"There are other solutions!" she yelped, "You don't have to have an abortion!"
"Oh," I stammered. "I'm not here to have--"
"Abortion is not natural!" she interrupted, really loudly. "If you don't want the baby you can get rid of it naturally so you won't have it's blood on your hands."
"Look," I said, "I'm really here for something else." I tried to turn and go in but she grabbed my wrist and pressed her ragged fingernails into my arm.
"You cannot kill your baby, God says so, it's not your job. But he can do it for you. All you have to do is wrap a cloth very tightly around your stomach and pray and God will take the baby away for you. He will take its life back to heaven."
"Wait, did you say that God would kill my baby if I wrap a cloth around my stomach and pray?" In one quick sentence her craziness had tranformed from obnoxious to fascinating.
"Yes yes!" she said excitedly, motioning trying a cloth around her stomach. "You tie it very tightly, so tight you can't breathe, and the baby will not live. God will hear your prayers and take it for you."
Holy shit, this was amazing. I could barely wrap my mind around the genius of what she was saying. Still, part of me felt compelled to point out the slight flaw in her plan. "But, if you tied a sheet around your stomach and your baby died, that would mean you personally murdered the baby. Not even a physician at a clinic. That's way worse than an abortion. On top of that I don't think that would even work. I mean, a sheet around your stomach?"
"It works, it works!" she assured me. "It's not murder. God will do it, he will take the baby back. It's not the same as an abortion. Abortion is murder!"

So there you have it, girls, after centuries of fighting, a way to have your abortion and eat it--I mean please God too. By the way, if you have trouble remembering which method is acceptable just use this little frat rhyme to jog your brain: Abortionists are baby-killers, but fetus-stranglers use God's own skillers. You're welcome!

JULIA WERTZ