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The Turning Gay Issue

Vice Mail

FROM US TO YOUYou will notice that this issue is unthemed. After umpteen years of putting out what amounted to a reference book every month, we started to get bored with it. Besides, too
April 1, 2007, 12:00am

FROM US TO YOU
Dear Vice readers,

You will notice that this issue is unthemed. After umpteen years of putting out what amounted to a reference book every month, we started to get bored with it. Besides, too many other magazines have ripped it and started doing their own lame take on themes. So we’re going to do some issues, starting now, that have whatever we feel like putting in them. The theme of them will basically be “Good Shit.” There isn’t much you can do about this, but we just figured we’d let you know.

Love,

Vice

ASK SOMEONE WHO CARES DEPT.
Dear Vice,

This girl gave me an almost amazing blowjob. She went at it with the kind of gusto I wish all girls would go at it with. The problem was that there was a lot of light teeth scraping, which was terrifying for my penis. We only see each other on weekends so during the week we just talk about hooking up. I told her she gave a great blowjob while all along thinking, “Should I mention the teeth?”

So, when should I mention the teeth? Should I wait until she’s giving me another blowjob? Or should I wait until after that blowjob and mention it in the next talking-about-hooking-up phase? How do I say it without being a dick? Am I being a pussy?

MATT SERAFIN
Binghamton, NY

Why did you tell her she gives a great beedge if she had already used teeth… Wait. Who gives a shit? The only way we could possibly care about this would be if she bit the fucking thing off and you sent us photos of it. Take a hike.

GROW UP OR THROW UP
Dear Vice,

I’ve noticed that most of the hate mail your magazine prints seems to involve the critic trying to win some pretentiousness contest of which they feel Vice is the king. These critics are most likely just journalism school flunkies who fell victim to your DOs & DON’Ts section. I don’t hate your magazine, and I’d be hard-pressed to muster up the level of vaingloriousness necessary for a duel, so I will just come clean: I love your magazine. I started reading it about a year ago when my friend Jamen Lee (he’s not black or Asian), a manager at American Apparel, introduced me. I had turned him on to DFA 1979, and he recognized that you folks were the record label. Now, I pester him to bring me the magazine whenever it comes to the store.

Your magazine has done a lot for me. At 26, I am humping the last twilight of my youth. Already, I am feeling overwhelmed when I go to house parties. I have trouble staying up until dawn. And I think being drenched in sweat and liquor after a party is gross. Consequently, I have trouble keeping up with the youthful fashions and cultures now that I’m not submerged in it. Sure, I keep a healthy group of 20-year-old friends (someone has to buy them booze), but they are hesitant to keep me en vogue. That’s where you guys help. Your DOs & DON’Ts section helps me dress appropriately. You’d better believe I no longer wear my manatee shirts! No more fanny packs for me! Also, your music section tells me of the music that’s hot so I can present this image that I’m up with the times. And your July Photo Issue still aids me in masturbation!

I’m sure there are lots of guys like me still trying to keep the vise grips (pun intended) on their youth. I was thinking that perhaps you guys could come out with the Peter Pan Issue, in which you chronicle these hipster-wannabes who obviously should be at home having unfulfilling sex with their fat wives while their dull kids ask for help with their multiplication tables. You could even have a special section on those creepy old guys who show up in every band in every college town.

Well, I just wanted to let you folks know how much your magazine means to me. I hope you will seriously consider my ideas. I can help you guys out if you want. I am always coming up with great ideas. Like, why not make Vice a weekly magazine? Usually a couple of weeks after your magazine comes out, I get very anxious for the next one. Let me know what you think of my ideas.

Until then, I remain outmodedly yours,

JAMES WARMELS
Eugene, OR

Everyone has ideas. Ideas are like assholes: They reek of shit.

DUBIOUS CLAIMS
Dear Vice,

In the past few years I have noticed many white suburban girls converting to being Muslim. Is this a trend you are noticing, or am I just crazy? Vice should investigate this phenomenon, because if anyone is good at finding out about new trends, it’s Vice.

BRENDAN SAUNDERS
Chicago, IL

First we’ve heard about it. Maybe you scooped us. White suburban girls going to Allah? Prove it.

EXHIBIT A
Vice,

I really appreciate the depth and variety of perspectives you presented with the Iraq Issue, but why did you feel it necessary to spoil such an amazing issue with that page full of corpse-porn toward the end? Could you not have done the drooling, mongoloid contingent of your readership one better and not morally scrape the bottom of the barrel? Even those Iraqis are someone’s sons, don’tcha know.

SAMANTHA HARRIS
Milwaukee, WI

Did you read the article? We needed to show the bodies and the condition that they were in to support the claim that they were killed by a bomb of mysterious origin. Sorry if it upset your wittle tummy, but it’s news.

IRAQ SPEAKS
Dear Vice,

It never ceases to amaze me that even the dreadliest dyed-in-the-wool liberals I know—kids who still forswear “black” for “African-American” or “urban”—have no qualms discussing Iraqi “traits” and how they make them “resistant” to democracy and how we should have “seen this coming with these people.” It’s like nobody seems to remember that up until Saddam, Iraq was one of the most culturally advanced countries in the Arab world. Thanks for having the balls to turn the mic over to the actual in-Iraq Iraqis unlike the rest of the media, who are content to have some fourth-generation Iraqi-American write a column about the hijab.

G. NELSON
Chapel Hill, NC

THE REST OF THE WORLD
Dear Vice,

Thanks for the Iraq Issue—it is very impressive—you should be happy with it. The pictures and layout are fantastic, even as the articles are troubling. I guess what comes through most, other than the grit of everyday Iraqi life, is that there are no clear answers to anything over there. I was in Iraq years ago (I’m a Desert Shield/Storm vet), but I’ve never had the opportunity to get a sense for Iraqis as people. It is good to hear them in their own words, and to hear their perspectives (even if one disagrees with their conclusions).

I am also enjoying the Darfur series on VBS.tv. It is amazing how the documentary has morphed over the five installments—the picture painted in number five is much more complex than that in the initial one. I also look forward to this alternative perspective on other important issues. Politics aside, you are a breath of fresh air in a world of 24-7 Anna Nicole Smith!

Don’t take this wrong, but I do wish some of the writers would tone down the profanity and random grossness. It is one thing if it is part of the story, but when it is done just for shock effect it detracts from the credibility of the piece. I’m not a writer or editor, so I leave you to your judgment, however I do know the kind of negative reaction that use of shock causes in me.

Anyway, sorry for the long note. You caught me in a chatty mood. I wish you all the best success with your enterprise. I predict that some day we will all be watching our TV over the internet, free from the networks and the cable provider, free to seek millions of alternative perspectives and find the truth for ourselves. I think you are making a difference.

JAY MCCONVILLE
Washington, DC

THANK GOD I’M A ETC. ETC.
Dear Vice,

I was disappointed the other day to read of the coked-out karaoke singer singing “Don't Even Know My Name” by David Allan Coe, and no one in the New York bar knowing what the fuck the guy was singing. How could people not know how great that song is? Sure it may not be “indie folk with a hint of Paul Simon,” but that doesn’t mean that the song isn’t great, and secondly, why the hell haven’t people heard it before? Then it got me thinking that a lot of city people have not been able to experience the great nuances of country life. Growing up as a farm kid in the prairies of Alberta, I may not have been able to experience the great things that many kids in a big, cultural city like New York have, but man, my life is definitely not lacking for it. How many kids can say they were driving a truck at the age of 11, running a tractor at 14, and drinking beer/chewing tobacco at 17? How many have spent the morning hungover with their friends, cooking side pork on a fire while drinking moonshine out of a mason jar and saying some absolutely burnt shit for laughs? How many city kids have faced off with a crazy cow in a pen with nothing but a pitchfork to fight it off, while their dad is trying to revive a calf? And before all you Peta people get in a nut because I was defending myself with a pitchfork against a cow, I suggest you come visit me on our family farm to really experience how farmer-animal interactions are. All you folks say you represent the love of animals, but how many of you have carried a calf half a mile in -30Þ Celsius weather so she won’t freeze to death? You say you know how the animal feels, but how many of you have actually spent time with a creature other then your dog? I guess I just get upset when people say shit like “Oh, that must have sucked” when I tell them I grew up on a farm. No it didn’t suck, it made me who I am today and I do not regret a single minute of it at all. I don’t feel sorry for someone growing up in Vancouver, so why should you feel sorry for me growing up in the country, and why would my youth suck because of it? That is all I have to say, so keep up the good work Vice, your magazine has kept me laughing and thinking since high school.

MATTHEW WATT
Vancouver, BC

On the stockists page in the Clothes Issue we mistakenly listed
the address for Cockpit’s website as www.cockpit.com.
The actual address is www.cockpitusa.com. We regret the error.

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