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NEW YORK - I ALMOST LOST ME MEMBER

Unlike some other interns here at VICE, I need more than just virtual or

cyber satisfaction to feel fulfilled

. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with pining away to a computer screen all day long, but… OK, I guess I am saying that there is something wrong with that. Call me "old school" or something, but I'm just a fan of personal, physical communication. I'm starting to wish otherwise, though, because that kind of interaction almost cost me one of my best friends this weekend.

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It was Friday night and I had met up with some dudes to celebrate a friend's birthday and to watch them play a show. Everything was going about how it normally does: lots of people, lots of booze, plenty of boys and girls looking to rock and to roll. This girly walks up to me and starts to chat me up. We talk and we talk and I'm not going to marry her or anything but I introduce her to some friends; before we know it the place is practically cleared out. She tells me that her place is just a few blocks away and that we could take our party over there, so we do. There's six of us at this point, six very drunk of us only getting drunker in her kitchen, and after a few minutes, she and I break off to her room.

We both know what's going to happen; you know what's going to happen. We waste no time getting down. Except that right before I send my thunder down her slip n' slide, she screams, "WAIT!" and proceeds to pull this out of her.

At first glance, I'm not too sure what the foreign object is, but after a second I know exactly what it is. It's an anti-rape condom. An item that women place inside of their hoo-ha's because they are getting raped all the time and they are tired of it. It works kind of like that glass box thing from

Saw

, the one where the babe puts her hands in the box but if she wants to take them out, it's going to cut her hands off. Remember that? That shit is fucked up. This is way worse. It's got these barbs in it so when you plunge into the depths it catches you and sticks to you. The only way to get it off is by having it surgically removed. I am pro-anything that keeps assholes from raping people, but couldn't she have removed that shark jaw from her cooter in private? Seeing that I could have lost my bud in a matter of seconds sobered me up pretty quick. Needless to say, I booked it out of there.

It took me forever to get home, but I made it with penis intact and unharmed (granted a little disappointed, but he'll get over it.) I then got on my computer and sent an e-mail to the inventor whom I believed was responsible for this whole thing. Here is what I sent….

Sonette Ehlers,

I hate rape just as much as the next guy, but your invention nearly cost me my penis. Can't you find a way to keep idiots from buying this thing? Or maybe invent an anti-anti-rape condom for men? Just for the good ones like me who aren't going to rape anyone. OK, well, just think about it and if you're ever around town we should hang out. Bye!

FOREVER YOUNG