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VIENNA - AUSTRIA GETS ITS HANDS ON A JAPANESE SEX TOY

My hands were wet when I opened it. They would not remain the only wet things on this certain evening! Japanese sex correspondent Fu Tsueng brought a new toy back from the land of endless possibilities: the Love Cup. It's a small pink can into which I had the honor to have a wank.

I was a bit disappointed when I opened it: the included cooter consisted of two pieces of foam with a slit in the middle. This reminded me of the times when I used to fuck my mattress, only hopefully much softer.

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Then I saw a tiny bit of a very weird kind of slime dripping out… I´m still convinced that it was the finest Japanese minge-mucus, which had been made odorless through a complicated chemical process. My fingers approached the mattress slit slowly to explore a slimy rubber knob paradise, where I stirred around carefully.

After that, I stuck a bottle of Perrier in it, because that seemed somehow decadent to me. I would've used a Moet bottle but I'd just thrown all my empties in the football stadium next to my apartment a few hours prior, wild in the throes of a nervous breakdown. The Love Cup passed the bottle test in an excellent way--it had long bacterial mucus filaments on it when I pulled it out, so I knew that it was time for the major shit…

I turned on some hentai porn, leaned back, and played with my cock. It quickly reached the right degree of hardness to initiate this wonderful can properly. What a joy. OK, it was a bit colder than it is inside a real vagina, and instead of the common square feet of skin and body there was just a small plastic cup. Some people might say it'd be better to get one's wiener licked by a dog, or just to let it hang down in a cold swimming pool, but I will definitely stick with the Love Cup! It's just another simplification for my life as a TV- and computer-addicted misanthrope. I don't even have to pretend to be interested in girls seriously or buy them a drink or whatever anymore. The only social contact I have to activate for this great pleasure is the one to my correspondent Tsueng, when I buy the cans. I will place the first bulk order very soon and start to distribute the cans throughout Austria. Character and appearance will no longer matter, because we will have the Love Cup!

DR. FRED OTZE