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THE INTERNET - DIRTY, ROTTEN, FILTHY OVERCHARGING LIARS

March 6, 2009, 2:37pm


Need someone to cover your ass while you sneak off to hang out with that girl who isn't your girlfriend and lives a thousand miles away and you thought would be fine to just email but now you're having an inappropriate internet relationship with her and can't handle not knowing what it'd be like to sleep with? Call Alibi Network, the company specializing in assisting customers to fabricate lies. In a flash they'll come up with a fake job interview so you just have to get out of town for a few days. They've been around for a while but only until now did we have a reason to call…

Vice: Hi, I would like to get an inquiry for an alibi. I've kind of run away to Europe and I don't want my parents to know.
AlibiNetwork: OK.

Um, so about how much would that cost to block my calls and maybe alter my bank statements? I am still in school and my credit card bill is still sent to their house, but I'm taking money out here and I don't want them to know.
Well, you want to alter your bank card statements?

Yeah. I mean, is that possible?
Yes, we, we can do that. But what are you saying? These statements are being sent to their home address?

Yep.
OK, so if they receive the real statement, what is going to happen? I mean, how? We won't be able to change the statement of your bill but we can give you another statement.

OK. So, if there is some way to get the original statement, you guys can make an altered statement and I can just give them that?
Yep.

So if I got my neighbour to get it—Kyle, he's a good friend of mine—we could just put the other one in the mailbox?
Yeah, yeah, that is possible.

So how much would that cost to get one of those altered bank statements?
How, how many?

Maybe one or two?
Uh, typically it will cost you $250 for the altered statements, add the $75 membership fee, so a total of $325.

And what about my phone? I don't use it over there 'cause it doesn't work. It's not a European number. Is there some way to divert the calls?
If they call you on your American phone?

Yeah, my cellphone.
I mean, yeah… the simplest thing to do is to forward your American phone to your cellphone in Europe and your parents won't know.

Okay, so could I call them and they would see on their phone that I was calling on my American number?
Ah, so you are going to need to make outgoing calls as well? I mean, we can provide you with a different phone number to divert your calls, but it's not going to be your cell phone number, so they are going to get suspicious, but if you call your cellphone company and have them forward your calls to a European number, they aren't going to notice.

So if I just got a phone with you guys and told my parents that I lost mine, they wouldn't see it on their phone bill?
Yeah, that's fine.

OK. Awesome. Could you make any customs forms? I go to school in Canada; is there some way to say I couldn't leave the country? Can you get a letter, like a letter that looks official enough?
[Laughs] What? [sighs] Possibly. Yeah. I would need to look into that. We normally don't do that in the United States because of the liability concerns obviously. But in Canada I think it is going to be more or less… [mumbles something about corruption]

And do you have some kind of rough dollar estimate for a letter saying that I can't leave Canada? Or that if I leave Canada I have to pay a fee?
Yeah, the problem is that we would need to get some kind of letterhead and or something with the phone number of the department. It's complicated.

About how much would that cost?
Umm, if you get everything, normally it is $250 but if you get everything else we would do it for a discount, $125 about.

Great, thank you so much. This has been really helpful. Thank you, have a good day.
Mh hm. You too.

Hmm, it all seems quite expensive compared to just putting a bunch of pillows under your duvet.
ALEX LEFTY PHILLIPS