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Vice Blog

THE WORST BAND IN THE WORLD

We just got an email about this band's anti-Chav video from a PR company in Brooklyn, which, considering the subject matter, is a bit like us sending them a scare film about the crips. Chavphobia aside, Disco Damage are the worst band in the world. The girl's Argentinian, the boy's North Irish, and they live in London, but their shittiness transcends continents and borders. It's not even terrible in an entertaining way, like Ke$ha, who is such a dank-pitted little slut it's kind of arousing to hate her, or Mumford & Sons, who are funny because they aren't in the slightest bit arousing to anyone but the pigs they still drive to market every Sunday. So for the sake of young bands everywhere, we're gonna attempt to turn Disco Damage into a terrible band of the Black Eyed Peas genus--ie: one that isn't really entertaining or likeable, but is still useful as a kind of photo negative explaining how not to conduct a human life. THE VIDEO The gay couple in this video hate the chav, but judging by this Google search not all gays do, unless they see "scallies" through the same eyes straight men use to mentally hatefuck Ke$ha. And look at the way the video comes with all its tawdry complaints. It's classic "Fear of the Other" material: - Chavs won't take their feet off the train seats. - Chavs don't get out of your way when you're walking down the street. - Chavs hit the fruit machine when they lose money and it drowns out the same conversation we were having about our own pointless neuroses. - Chavs pay for their alcohol in coppers which is inconvenient and they drink until they throw up everywhere. And what, gay people don't like cheap cocktails? If that's what you're saying, why did you shoot the video on Old Compton Street, which is paved nightly with fluorescent pink Diva Daquiri puke? What this can teach young bands: Spend all of your time drinking and smoking alone, walking around the city hating the world. THE BIO "They met in a club in early 2007… Kristin was a poet working in the West End as a cocktail bartender." DON'T MAKE ME REACH FOR MY SAMPLE LYRIC SHEET/OH SHIT YOU JUST DID: Cocktail cunt (Happy hour gives me power) Cocktail cunt (Happy hour) (Cock-cock-cock-cock-c-c-c-c-c) Cunt/Cunt/Cunt/Cunt. [all belched] As far as cocktail songs go, 'Cocktail Cunts' almost measures up to this one in terms of lyrical sophistication and thematic complexity. "Beginning in Laura's home studio, a natural sway towards Electronica took their combination of bedroom Electro and quirky lyrics from minds to myspace and soon Disco Damage tracks were being broadcast on airwaves reaching America, Australia, Japan and all around." [All sic] The internet tends to do this. "London has had its fair share of Disco Damage, with the duo spinning at some of the hottest parties in town from Pooldisco at Shoreditch House to Bodytalk at Dalston Superstore (the inspiration for the EP track "Fuck the DJ"). They have come a long way from Laura's bedroom in North London…" [sic sic sic] It's North London to Dalston. It's a £7 cab ride. What this can teach young bands: If you're a poet working as a cocktail bartender you're probably not a very good poet; never use the word "quirky" to describe yourselves, anything or anyone else; and never brag about your achievements because it makes you look less ambitious than Tom Vek. THE PHOTOGRAPHS

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This is what Nothern parents think will happen to their children when they leave home to go study in London.

What this can teach young bands:

Don't wear bad clothes.

THE INTERVIEW

VICE: Your publicist sent over the video for "Cocktail Cunts" yesterday. I was wondering what the thinking was behind it.

Kristin Neely:

It was a song written about how cunty people become on booze.

The same guy plays most of the characters. Is there some kind of "We're all the same deep down" type message in there, then?

KN:

For sure. Like… Cocktail cunt. It's what you become.

Have you had to deal with "cocktail cunts" yourselves in the past?

KN:

I worked as a bartender in the West End for a while. People get very angry when it's a few minutes past the hour and they can't have their two for ones lol!!! And they become cunts.

Laura Fares:

Well said.

You seem to have targeted quite a narrow section of society though. The cunt in your video looks a lot like a "chav."

KN:

Yup, or as the Scottish director would say, a "ned".

Do you find they're the worst?

KN:

Not necessarily.

So why did you choose to dress someone as a stereotypical ned? Is it just about people who drink cocktails, or is at a wider lament at ned culture?

KN:

It represents one of many stereotypes out there. People understand strong stereotypes.

Why does he hate gays so much?

LF:

He's a very angry and frustrated character that dislikes anything different to him.

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Are you gay yourselves?

LF:

We have experienced that anger several times, regardless of our sexual orientation.

Why would he go to Old Compton Street if he doesn't like gay people?

LF:

Old Compton Street is in Central London and accessible to anyone. Why would he go to a pub and be rude to other customers? Why would he get on a train and be aggressive to other passengers? We don't know really, yet it happens every day.

That's true I suppose. I couldn't help but feel like the vibe throughout was more "chavs hate gays so we hate chavs" than it was "people on cocktails are angry at the world", though.

LF:

Funny that you would pick on that detail.

That scene with the gay couple is the climax of the video though, isn't it?

LF:

Really? I thought the white vomit towards the end was the icing on the cake. Again, funny you would pick on the gay thing.

People understand strong stereotypes. What's the difference between me picking up on the gay thing, and you picking the chav/ned stereotype?

LF:

We're not picking on anyone. We made the decision with the director to centre the whole video around this particular character. It's just a fictional character. There's no "them" and no "us". People are people.

That's quite a PC answer, but anyway – do you have five top tips for new bands starting out today?

LF:

It's an honest answer. I can't believe in this day and age people still want to label and "pigeon hole" everyone.

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Er…

LF:

Our top tips: 1) Do it yourself; 2) Be yourself; 3) Use all the social networking sites to the max; 4) Learn from other producers and bands that you admire; 5) Don't give up, if you love what you do, good things will come.

What would you do if Vice told you to give up?

LF:

We'd say "We don't do requests" and carry on DJing.

What this can teach young bands:

Get someone else to do it; don't be yourself; have next to no "online presence"; don't tolerate other, older bands telling you what to do or how to do things; and if Vice tells you to give up, give up.

KEV KHARAS