Bert Burykill

  • 'Ruff Buttlove' and Other Prison Raps

    This song is basically a true story about two different bonerabelles whose booties I plundered. To all the young bucks reading this: When you go to summer camp, fuck a chick in the ass. No regrets.

  • Why Can't I Vote?

    Who knows what the outcome would be if felons were granted the right to vote? Truth is, we’d probably be too busy smoking rocks, gettin’ money, and fucking fat bitches to even know an election was scheduled. Criminals got better shit to do than waste...

  • I'm in Love with This Fake Pussy

    I’m a brutally honest man, which is about to get me in trouble. I should never admit that this plastic suction cup slut with soft, slimy, rubber guts feels better than my girl’s own bonerable treasure trove, but it does. Tenga is the best snatch on...

  • Hey There, Lonely Girl

    It breaks my heart to think about a woman all on her own in prison. Basically, I’m down to do what you want me to. Maybe I can send you some old books or pornos or something. If you tell me your interests I can print out articles from online or send...

  • The Good Ole Bad Ole Days

    Bad things were happening all around me, but I was in a pre-ejaculatory state of perma-bliss. I had dough, I had a girl, I had fun, and thought I had all the freedom in the world just ‘cause I bought a lotta shit with blinky lights.

  • Rape-Os in Prison

    There is a jailhouse rumor that everyone is asked to produce “their papers” when they arrive at a prison to prove that they don’t have anything shady on their rap sheet, but that’s not really true. The same goes for the myth that all touchers are...

  • I Saw an Inmate Get Struck by Lightning Through the Phone

    The sky got crazy, there was a sonic boom and a MEGA flash of light—from across the room I saw Black sprint 20 feet while holding his underarm/heart area. He slowed down, turned around, stumbled back ten or 15 feet stuttering, “It hurts, it burns,” and...

  • Finish What You Start

    I’ve witnessed a few wigs get split in the middle of the night by a lock in a sock, I’ve heard stories about people getting boiling baby oil dumped on them, and seen guys walking around with these ugly scars. Revenge is common in prison, so finish what...

  • Shit Dudes in Prison Say

    Dudes say the most stupefying things in jail. I don’t know what it is, but there is a breed of dude who just makes shit up about the Prada shoes, the Mercedes, the gold-plated condom, the bad bitch with two pussies and no butthole… just outlandishness.

  • Lockup Crackup

    This dorm environment is wearing me down. Non-stop noise and nonsense. County jails are designed to make people go crazy and cop unwise pleas to end the madness. Just this morning, my bunky was unexpectedly woken at 4:30 AM for a court date he had no...

  • Depressed Mess

    I might have some mild issues that resulted in some serious life problems, but I’m not like the depressed heads over in the crazy cell block. According to my sources, those guys are throwing piss, shit, and cum on the walls, they don't shower, and they...

  • Meet the Neighbors

    Here in prison, my bunky is a drug addict from a family of drug addicts. He has spent most of his 20s in and out of jail. I have the top bunk and he has the bottom. All I can say is don’t get caught, kids… This ain’t living.