We got @lucgeorgemusic to jump on the VICE Break-Up Hotline to talk about dealing with loneliness after a relationship falls apart and how to be a good listener if your mates open up to you while they’re going through it.

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Seeking out a new slippery friend would be far from my first rodeo when it came to sex toys, but high-end products haven’t exactly been my bread and butter. 

During my university years, I attained a vibrator with a free voucher from a 50 Shades Of Grey screening. I was 19 and it was the first time I’d ever been to a sex shop with serious ambition. Voucher in hand, I flapped about awkwardly until plucking up the courage to ask for my free vibrator. It was about five cm long and one cm wide, with a one-off battery. I used that thing to death.  

Since then I’ve owned many dinky vibrators of similar size and quality – almost all of them pink because I am a feminist (a facetious one at that) – but I’d never ventured into the world of more costly vibration. Why spend $250 on an aquamarine butterfly or rabbit when a $10 severed finger would do? I figured it was time to see what the fuss was about and get my hands on a more legitimate vibrator.

My new burning desire (if it itches, get that checked) brought me to Pōneke’s Cuba Street staple, Peaches & Cream. I have a strange affinity for this shop. It’s weirdly spacious and feels rather bare, despite being stacked with every imaginable piece of sex paraphernalia. To me, places like P&C have the same transient quality as an airport or a supermarket in the middle of the night. There’s something intangible going on as you drift around from handcuffs to sounding rods; something that makes you feel disconnected from reality. 

To make my selection I had some specific parameters to abide by; I was looking for a vibrator that was on the bigger side, useable inside and outside the body and wasn’t shaped like a woodland creature. Oh, and I had to like the colour. If anyone should ever stumble upon my draw of nicknacks, I’d hate for them to think I have no taste. Black or a nice pastél would do it. 

I was in luck. Calling to me from the aisles was a boxed vibrator with the name Tim slapped on the front in a font that screamed “Graphic design is my passion.”  At $109.99 this was a decent step up from any of the previous purchases, but having promised to myself that I was going to do this properly I sucked up the cost, snatched him up and took him home. Tim wasn’t cheap, but he was mine. 

Finally, it was time to explore all of the wonders of an upper-class dildo. 

Check out the video below for the full vibe-rating:  

The dolls themselves – stereotypically sickly pink plastic bodies with faces frozen in permanent, cock-guzzling shock –  are mildly terrifying. There’s an echo of a clown's face in a sex doll's fixed expression that is undoubtedly unnerving. But still, they have a draw.

When we think of a typical sex doll owner, the mind leans towards a fedora-tilting neckbeard who has married an elf in Elder Scrolls. He seeks to fulfil the physical side of his espousal one way or another, and thus his intimate relationship with the sex doll is born. 

While there’s nothing wrong with any of the above qualities, it’s a very specific image. One we associate predominantly with lonely people – one that allows us to assume that sex doll owners are all unsociable loners and we would never be one of them! 

But the industry has changed. These days, companies produce high-end, life-like (and sometimes AI) dolls that are a far cry from the 90s inflatables. Buying one comes at quite a cost, so you can almost guarantee it’s not grubby university students with Dorito-dusted fingers ordering them. The sex doll user too has had an upgrade. 

Being lonely, sexless or wearing a fedora, is no longer a customer requirement – and as someone with a life-long fascination with all things sexy, I wanted to challenge my own residual stigma around sex dolls to see if there’s something more to them than just a bachelors party prop. 

I decided it was time for me to fuck a blow-up man. 

My quest began in Sydney, Australia, where I was on a long-weekend visit. With my goal in mind, I made my way to the rainbow-splattered Oxford street, a legendarily queer area, and stumbled across the sex shop Adult World. 

The staff were welcoming and chatty and even offered an invite to a voguing event later that evening. But alas, I had other plans for my night; plans that required a five-foot-nothing PVC God. 

I sauntered through the many aisles of dildos, costumes and clamps until I reached a shelf stocked exclusively with potential partners. There were boxes upon boxes of boys yet to be blown. It was a noticeably caucasian line-up, and while that hardly felt like a pressing matter in my quest, it did give me pause to consider whether diversity is an issue in the sex doll industry. 

Weighing up my options, I landed on Erich. B. It was unclear if the rogue ‘H’ was honouring his Germanic roots or a simple typo. But I knew he was the man for me – H and all. 

I purchased Erich for $50 and headed to my hotel to unbox him, blow him and see how he performed in the bedroom. 

Heartbreakingly, I must confess early that this story does not end in penetration. 

Here’s what I found: 

Needless to say, it’s better to ask the specific person you’re sleeping with what they like – all sexual experiences are subjective – but sleeping with tens if not hundreds of people for work does give you a few clues as to what gets most people off. It’s all well and good to tell people that “confidence is key” or to just “enjoy themselves”, but it turns out there are more than a few ways to turn a trick that can be applied to anyone’s everyday sex life.

We went to the experts: in this case, sex workers Lily, Mia, Samantha and Becca of Pōneke’s The Bedroom, and here’s what they had to say…

Let’s get some basic sex dos and don’ts out of the way:

Having good hygiene is a given (including good breath). Commenting on someone’s weight or appearance is a no-go unless it’s an absolute compliment.

And there are a few areas that unquestionably require discussion:

Anal or butt play? Discuss it.

Anything that leaves a mark? Discuss it. Bites, bruises and rope burns can put someone in an uncomfortable situation at work or home, so making sure the person being marked is ok with it is a must.

Where you’re gonna cum? Discuss it. There’s nothing less sexy than someone ruining your makeup or freshly washed hair. And if the contraceptive situation hasn’t been made clear, not double checking that your landing pad is approved could end in genuine disaster.

With that aside, let’s get into some of the specifics. Here’s what our sex-work overseers had to say:

HOW TO: HANDJOBS

“I always start slow. Be aware of how sensitive their area is and really ease into it. Remember how many nerve endings there are. It is friction!” - Mia

“Use saliva and lube.”  - Samantha

“If the handjob goes on too long men [can] lose sensitivity, so you're actually better to stop doing the handjob altogether. Give it a rest and then try again.” - Lily

“Even if you're not being touched, they want to see that you're into them being aroused. They want to see you turned on as well.” - Samantha

HOW TO: FINGERING

“Don’t finger a dry pussy really hard. You’ll give them thrush.” - Lily

“I love my butt being played with, but if you’re gonna put your finger in my butt then in my pussy, all I’m thinking is urine infection. So don’t do that. It’s hygiene y’know.”  - Mia

“Definitely don’t start by shoving three fingers in someone at once. You can build up to it, but that’s not a sexy way to start.” - Becca

“A finger and clitoral rub at the same time is the best. Fingers in, thumb on clit.” - Lily

“Don’t shove your knuckles into the coochie because they don’t do anything.” - Mia

HOW TO SUCK DICK

“Use your hand at the base like it's half-hand-job-half-blow-job. Just using your mouth, a lot of men won’t cum.” - Lily

“Go from the outside, inwards. Lead up from touching the thighs and then you move in and stimulate them… A lot of guys like the balls.” - Samantha

“The men say it feels better without the condom. Supposedly there’s a lot of sensitivity lost.” - Lily

“I think the wetter the better. The more saliva, the more it feels like a pussy.” - Lily

HOW TO EAT SOMEONE OUT

“With facial hair, the smoother the better, or be hairy. But prickly hurts. It’s like sandpaper.” - Mia

“Doing the alphabet with your tongue, that was a Cosmopolitan tip… don’t do that. Don’t motorboat. Don’t bite. Don’t blow. Don’t hum. That’s another Cosmo tip. It's just weird.” - Lily

“You’re sensitive in areas that aren’t normally touched, so incorporate the inner thighs, or holding the hips and touching those creases. Do all that kind of stuff as the lead-up, outside of the vagina, and then slowly work your way in.” - Samantha

“Putting your tongue into the actual vagina doesn’t feel that good… It’s not a dick. You wouldn’t make someone cum from it.” - Becca

“The person needs to be honest if they’re not into [eating me out]. Because I can tell if they’re not enjoying it and then I feel like I’m torturing them.” - Samantha

HOW TO HAVE INTERCOURSE

“Replicating what you’ve seen in porn is really dangerous and also really obvious. You should never come straight into a sexual encounter with someone you don’t know well and choke and slap them. It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable.” - Becca

“If there's a massive size difference between you and your partner, be aware to hold your own weight when you’re on top. It happened to me with a partner who was bigger than me, and he’d rest all his weight on me and I’d start panicking because I couldn’t breathe.” - Samantha

“Jackhammering can be painful if you’re not in the mood for it. Just be aware. They have a pelvic bone. They have a cervix. And you’re banging up against it.” - Becca

“If she’s invested in lingerie let her wear it for ten minutes. If she’s feeling sexy and she’s dolled herself up, a suspender belt, stockings, don’t just rip it off straight away. Make her feel beautiful in what she’s wearing. And then she’ll want to dress up for you more because you’ve shown you appreciate it.” - Lily

“Kiss during sex! It makes you feel so rejected if someone stops kissing you as soon as you start fucking. It’s awkward.” - Becca

THE ‘FEEL GOOD’ FACTOR

“You've got to be able to pick up what they're feeling. You need to be very in tune with other people. In real layman's examples, it’s whether you'd say like, ‘I want you to fuck me’ or ‘I want to make love to you’. It's a bit of emotional intelligence.” - Samantha

“I think if one person stands to gain more from the experience than the other, then it's not something that's gonna be enjoyable.” - Mia

"You can ask what they want without it ruining the mood. Just saying, ‘Does it feel good?’ ‘Do you want it faster?’ or ‘What can I do for you?’ It's not embarrassing.” - Samantha

In the end, everyone will have some mortifying moments in their sexual lives and everyone will feel things differently – and that’s okay folks! We learn, we grow, we throb with undulating desire.

We hope the wise words of our sex-worker friends can help you feel on top of the basics so that you know the sex you’re having feels good for everyone involved, inside and out.

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.

But it is possible. And how, you might ask?

Blindly shutting down the idea that attempting a friendship could go wrong isn’t the way to go about it – as re-designing your relationship takes effort, understanding and a touch of brutal self-assessment. If you’re not willing to believe it might not work, you’re not going to be putting in the effort to make sure it does.

There are some basic no-go’s like not treating your ex as a therapist to discuss how you’re coping with your relationship with them ending. If they don’t want to be friends with you then don’t waste your time pushing the idea. And you certainly shouldn’t bad mouth them behind their back constantly and expect them to still want to be by your side.

Aside from the obvious, there are some more nuanced approaches that can help make your newly established friendship work out for the best – and minimise painful and messy emotions in the process.

VICE NZ spoke with Wellington counsellor Maria Milmine to find out about how to stay friends with an ex partner in a healthy way.

Here’s what she had to say:

Have a conversation to define what is and isn't acceptable in the friendship.

Milmine: Firstly, you have to have your needs and wants firm in your mind. Having a plan will be important in managing your own expectations, energy and ultimately the ability to sustain a healthy friendship with an ex.

Have you determined how and whether you will stay in touch? What are the physical boundaries? What changes will be expected regarding shared friendships, activities or locations.

Boundaries will help minimise misunderstanding and support your emotional wellbeing. Boundaries may change as time goes on, and that’s ok. It is always ok to redefine a boundary. Some exes might not feel comfortable being friends because one or both still have feelings or the breakup wasn't mutual.

Don't keep sleeping together.

Milmine: It will be difficult to have closure of the romantic relationship if new expectations and parameters haven't been defined or kept to.

Time is an important factor in healing from relationship wounds. Time helps us rebuild other meaningful parts of our lives, discover new interests or hobbies, friendships and supports. It gives us space to gain perspective, reflect and assess, learn from previous experiences and perhaps take with us new hopes and discernment for future relationships.

Ask yourself, will sleeping with my ex extend the length of time it will take me to heal from this relationship and move on? Can I meet my sexual desires in a different way?

Feeling sad or lonely, we may turn to sex with an ex as comfort because it is familiar. Being on your own will take some getting used to, perhaps get some accountability set up with friends and don't be too hard on yourself.

Have other support systems.

Milmine: Feeling contradicting or confusing emotions is a natural part of processing loss of a relationship. Wanting to continue connection with the people who you have broken up with is understandable. It may feel as though they are the only other person who understands what you are experiencing.

Giving time and focus to other types of important relationships in life ensures that we haven't expected our partners to meet all of our emotional needs. If your dating time together meant that your other social connections shrunk, this is another opportunity to understand yourself better. How did that happen? How do I feel about that? In future, how might I do things differently? Were we codependent?

Having time to focus on rebuilding interdependent social connections and meaningful relationships will strengthen future romantic relationships as well as support your overall wellbeing. One person can not possibly meet all of our needs.

Having some space from each other.

Milmine: Having time to redefine who you are without this person in the role they had previously been in your life will be useful in rebuilding your life. Being able to have time to honestly check in with yourself and ask how do I feel about the break up? Have I given myself space to adjust to a new normal? Have I been able to grieve and let go of what was and what could have been?

If remaining in contact brings more pain or prevents you from being able to heal then it may be a more compassionate, brave and courageous act to give yourself space, limit or end contact, at least temporarily.

If having space from each other seems like an impossible thing to do, ask why that is? Am I seeking comfort being around them? Do I still have hope that we'll get back together? Have I assumed that this is what they want? Am I prioritising their needs over my own? Could you give yourself time to rediscover who you are without your ex, how have you changed? How do you feel about those changes? What could that let you know about you and the things you value?

Don't go there if you still have feelings.

Milmine: You may also need space from mutual friends and shared activities. Adjusting to a new normal is hard. In a lot of ways deciding whether you continue spending time with an ex or not can be like choosing between hard and hard, so it's understandable that you may not want to make a call on it.

However asking yourself, what will it cost me if I do not create space to prioritise me? and am I prepared to pay that? Could you give yourself some time and understanding, and practice kindness towards yourself?

The difficult feelings associated with a break up need their time to be expressed, it may be that spending time with your ex takes away from your ability to process those feelings and that can result in a 'stuck' sort of feeling.

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.

It’s a lot to process. Like, 94 articles worth of break-up intel to process. 

So to make things easier, we’ve put together a glossary of sorts. And where do you start when figuring out how to break-up better? Understanding what kind of break-up you’re in for. 

Different Types of Break-up:

From long-distance relationships fizzling out, to almost-endings that worked out in the long run, to the ugliest of blow-outs that leaves everyone involved feeling uneasy: there are so many ways a relationship can end. Of course, no two break-ups will ever be the same, but there are some common scenarios people find themselves in. 

Here are the articles that cover the basics: situations that almost everyone will either go through themselves or observe around them. Including being the one that calls it quits – and how to do it without being an asshole – and what it’s like to break-up when you’re still in love. 

Every Break-Up You’ll Go Through Before You’re 30

We Spoke to People in Long Term Relationships About How They Ended Things

How to Tell Your S/O to Give you Space Without Breaking Up

What To Do When You Have to End a Relationship With Someone You Love

Slow Burn Break-Ups Are Brutal. Here’s How They Build Up.

How To Call Off a Dating App ‘Thing’

The VICE Guide To Ending a Relationship

If you’re at university, or entering the post-highschool era, then it’s likely relationships are gonna be pretty front of mind. From dreaded interactions with exes in halls to how student nightlife complicates dating, we have a look at some of the situations you might come up against. 

Growing Beyond Your High School Dating Experiences

Piss-ups and Social Politics: Does Dunedin Party Culture Make Dating Harder

How to Handle Breaking-Up in Halls 

Deadlines Don’t Wait: How Students Cope with Break-Ups During Exam Season

Harmful Break-Ups:

Unfortunately, there are also relationships that can do serious damage to the people involved. Harmful or intentionally abusive relationships can seriously affect people, in everything from their safety to future mental stability – and ending a relationship like this can be incredibly difficult. In worst-case scenarios, dangerous. 

If you’re concerned that your relationship may cross the line into harmful territory or are considering breaking-up with someone who has exhibited abusive behaviour, have a read of these two articles (you’ll find a list of resources there too.) 

What’s the Difference Between Boundaries and Controlling Behaviour?

What To Do If Your Partner Won’t Let You Break-Up

For other harmful situations like stalking and image-based abuse, check out the articles below and make sure you understand your rights.

What To Do if You’re a Victim of Revenge Porn

Revenge Porn Victims Share Their Stories

How To Identify an Online Stalker

What To Do If You Think You’re Getting Stalked

The Aftermath:

Pushing out the words “it’s over” can feel like the hardest part – until it’s actually over and you’re left dealing with the aftermath. Whether the relationship itself was good, bad or ugly, having someone yanked from your life is inevitably gonna leave you with your head scrambled. 

It might be the smallest things, like not having someone to walk home with or suddenly having to learn how to cook for one person, or you may have lost your entire social circle and feel like you don’t know how to be happy anymore. Maybe you’re desperate to win them back or find yourself acting out. 

There’s a lot for you to handle after your relationship grinds to a halt.

Is Post Relationship 'Mania' Real?

What To Do If Your Ex Isn’t Coping After Your Break-Up

People Tell us Their Tips to Deal with Break-Up Loneliness

How to Cope with a Break-Up Without Just Getting Wasted All the Time

Why The ‘Getting Them Back’ Narrative Is One You Should Ignore

What Do You Owe Someone When Your Relationship Ends

So You’ve Changed Your Mind About Your Break-Up? Sucks For You

People Tell Us What They Did to Stay Happy After Being Broken-Up With

'I Went To Her Place And Cried' Men Take Us Through Their Break-Up Timelines

How It Feels To Go On A First Date After A Long-Term Relationship

Social media etiquette is also something to consider when you’re in a post-break-up haze. There’s everything from blocking, revenge posting, drunk messaging and online oversharing to think about. 

So if you want to avoid messy behaviour online, check the articles below. 

The VICE Guide to Social Media Use After a Break-Up

Should You Get Rid of Online Evidence of Your Past Relationships?

We Ask People: Is It OK To Block an Ex?

Shit you should think about: 

We’ve said it once and will say it again: every break-up is different. This means there are endless conversations to be had about our experiences when relationships end and how we process them. 

Below we’ve listed some of our favourite discussions on more complex break-up situations – whether it be how culture interacts with our ability to express ourselves, or understanding why we shouldn’t take advice from influencers (we see the irony, but don’t worry, these articles are all backed by real experts.)

How Neurodivergent People Are Challenging Conventional Notions of Romance

Is Breaking-Up Worse When You Live in a Small Town?

Dealing With 'The Feelings' As a Young Brown Person

How Queer People Came Out While in Cis/Het Relationships

Why Revenge Fantasies are Normal After a Bad Break-Up

What On Earth are Attachment Styles and How do you Navigate Them?

TikTok Has Made Everyone Think They’re a Relationship Expert

Don’t underestimate how important it is just to talk about how you’re doing, or even to hear someone else divulge their own shitty break-up stories. 

Break-ups are so often incredibly hard to process, especially the first time (and in some ways even harder when it’s the 15th time). But that should never stop you from experiencing love, sex and everything else relationships have to offer. 

Breaking-up better doesn’t mean you don’t ever do it at all. But we hope it means you can minimise the hurt and the hardship. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.  

Mirroring the toxicity you’ve been subject to in your past may feel empowering because it feels like you’re in control. But venomous behaviour towards a partner only ends in guilt and self-destructive behaviour. 

Whether it’s withholding a text back, vengefully throwing down every Friday night, or pathologically switching your snapmaps on and off, there are many ways people project their hurt onto new relationships. It’s all over social media, in videos captioned “How to be toxic” and “How to live in their head rent free”, begging you to implement a standardised 6-10 hour wait time before replying to a text. 

While you can trick yourself into thinking these procedures are crafty, the emotional warfare you're subjecting your partner to can’t be worth it.

VICE spoke to two 18-year-olds about their first year in the casual sex scene of their new city and how they’ve been navigating the highs and lows of hook-up culture. 

Ella, an art student from Wellington, told VICE, “The rush I feel from scheming against the people I regularly sleep with feels good and even funny… but it’s only momentary. When one of them actually gets too drunk and confesses their issue with me my conscience comes back”. 

“I was cheated on a couple times in highschool and treated particularly badly by a spaghetti stick of a boy. I think matching a similar energy in my new city has made me feel in control, somehow, but I guess it’s just a bad case of main character syndrome.”

Transitioning from being cheated-on or hurt to becoming a full-blown emotionally unavailable man-eater doesn't benefit anyone in the end – so it is more important than ever to keep yourself accountable after heartbreak.

Casual sex is inherently part of life, but you don’t need to use up extra energy on calculated strikes towards the people you sleep with. Messing around with someone at a party and then making them cry a week later when you ignore them in a lecture doesn't need to be your routine. 

Jacob, a barista from Wellington, told VICE he gave up on “any guy that has a dismissive attachment style.”

“It’s just immature and lowkey cringe,” he said. “It's not that deep. Just communicate like an adult”. 

And communicating in a clear way is hard. Hook-up culture predicates itself on hitting and dipping, but this isn’t how it needs to be. There's nothing wrong with a one-and-done as long as the one-and-doneness is communicated healthily and clearly, as well as with enthusiastic consent.

It's easy to sacrifice ethics for revenge. If you find yourself falling down the hole of toxicity, take a step back and reflect on what your past might have to do with it. 

The hurt we experience from being screwed over in our formative years sticks with us, but doesn’t need to manifest once we leave home. Processing that hurt may come out in the local Irish pub after too many student discount jugs and that’s okay. But don’t take it out on your friend-with-benefits.

Try writing down how your past relationships made you feel and what they did to conjure those emotions up. Try outlining how you feel about a sexual partner even if it’s just casual. Most importantly, open up to your friends – and even partners – about the behavioural patterns you're working on and how they correlate to how you’ve been treated. 

Take control of your relationships not with the intention of vengeance but with the intention of compassion. Dealing with your own shit matters, but there's ways to let it all out without being the villain in someone else's story.

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Lee Bradley is a photography student and freelance creative based in Pōneke. 

As those ties grow stronger and become more rooted in your whakapapa than people you’ve met along the way, suddenly a break-up isn’t just about you but about the future of your family. Not only do you now have to deal with the break-up itself, but must find a way to maintain relationships across both sides of the family… or rid yourself of them.

Your whānau might not be able to avoid seeing your ex at events and activities they associate themselves with – they might even want to keep seeing them – and suddenly you find yourself having to “manage” multiple fractured relationship trees between your ex and your family.

Blood isn’t everything, and you are more than capable of cutting whānau from your life, but when an individual is threatened it can very easily spiral out to everyone.

In some cases, the person who’s in the break-up might think all ties should be severed by default, especially if the break-up was not on mutual terms.

And that leaves an even more important question: does the couple have a right to tell someone who they can and can’t be friends with?

If you’re feeling hurt about your whānau keeping in touch with your ex, it is probably time to have a conversation with them about how you feel. Whether it’s your mum, brother, or cousin – they can’t know exactly what’s going on in your head unless you tell them.

To communicate best, first you have to figure out your own boundaries: Would your whānau need to do something drastic to betray your trust, or is engaging with them enough? Are you okay with your cousin catching up with your ex as long as you don’t know about it? Or is it more important that you do know?

Managing one ex-partner-family-member relationship might be tough enough as it is, but it can quickly feel like you have no control when your ex's whole family has ties to your own.

Your cousins and siblings might go to school with your exes whānau. Maybe your uncle and their dad play football together. Maybe they all attend church together. Your aunty and your ex’s auntie ,who have known each other since school (and in cases close to home, lived abroad together), are unlikely to stop catching up for a coffee because their respective niece and nephew broke up.

When things are intertwined like this, you might just have to accept that you no longer have control. You may not be able to ask anyone to alter lifelong relationships, but that does not mean you can’t tell them how you feel. If they care, they will take it on board, even if all it amounts to is them not bringing it up around you.

Once you know where your own lines are you can find out how far you're willing to adjust. Don’t forget that your feelings about the situation are likely to change over time, so ensuring you keep the communication up with them will help everyone.

Being on the outside of this predicament can create unexpected problems for the whānau, too. When a break-up between families happens, suddenly you can view people as opposition.

Maybe you used to be best friends with your sister’s ex-boyfriend and feel weird about hitting him up to go to the gym. There’s likely no harm in keeping in touch from time to time, but if your sister was cheated on, or experienced abusive behavior with a partner, it might not be smart to remain in contact.

Always ask how you would feel if it were the other way around, and don’t just dismiss someone’s pain because you’re not feeling it.

The reality of those changes will look different for every situation. You might lay low for a while and wait for things to cool down. Maybe you continue to have those relationships and just keep it out of the ear of the former couple. After all, you’re likely to see these people again regardless, so you don’t want to destroy those connections.

Break-ups usually involve far more people than the unhappy couple, and the ensuing separation can involve a lot of preconceptions about who is allowed to talk to who. Things won’t always end in sunshine and rainbows, and depending on the context of the break-up, it may drive a wedge that destroys decades of friendship.

When you go through a break-up, sometimes you have to take a step back to think about the lives of your whānau going forward. We live in a small place after all, and you might just have to face the reality that someone who you don’t want to see might not completely be removed from your life.

Your break-up with someone shouldn’t mean their friends and whānau also have to break up with them. But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them about it.

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Ryland Hutana is a writer and creator who currently lives in Auckland, Aotearoa

It’s one of the various smaller-scale homegrown festivals that have sprung up in the last ten years to counter New Zealand’s big guns, like Rhythm and Vines and the long-deceased Big Day Out. The focus has shifted from just getting slaughtered in the scorching heat and pissing on tents (or setting them alight). These more intimate and close-to-home festivals are about community and creativity. 

When you’re wandering through a field, buzzing off your tits on any combination of contentment and narcotics, you’re rarely wondering how much it costs to bring in 20 portaloos, or who is cleaning up after the more careless attendees. There’s a lot to go into making an event of this complexity work, even a smaller-scale festival like Welcome. And the amount of labour and money it takes might be what’s stopping Aotearoa from seeing more thriving festivals. 

After seven years, 2024’s Welcome to Nowhere is the last. And it’s not the only festival coming to an end in the country: 121, Tora Bombora, Beacon Festival, Purple Paddocks. A growing wave of NZ festivals have fallen victim to indistinct hiatus or official shutdowns in the last couple of years. 

But people are (or were) going to these events. So why are so many of Aotearoa’s best independent festivals closing their gates? 

VICE NZ spoke to Welcome to Nowhere’s co-curator (“a made up title that sounds important for grant applications”) Joel Cosgrove to find out what really goes into running a festival, and why small NZ festivals are struggling to stay afloat. 

So, how did the festival get off the ground in the first place – and what does it take to keep its gates open? 

Welcome to Nowhere was founded by The Eyegum Music Collective, a Poneke-based collective of music enthusiasts responsible for bringing an eclectic curation of local music every Wednesday to San Fran, one of Wellington’s longest running venues. The collective has its origins in hosting house parties in 2013, during what they describe as  “the Pōneke music venue drought.” 

Coming off the back of some of the smaller indie music festivals like Chronophonium and Camp A Low Hum (which is making its return in 2024), Welcome to Nowhere started in 2017 as Gathering in The Forest. 

The first official Welcome to Nowhere saw 250-300 punters and 200 crew and artists. These days, Welcome is a small-scale but fully fleshed out festival, with around 1000 attendees each February – held each year in an under-wraps location somewhere-near-Whanganui. 

To lock in the location, Eyegum leant on pre-existing connections to a local poet, who lived on farmland halfway between Whanganui and Hunterville. They got in touch, explained the plan and asked to view it. The location was locked in and Eyegum began looking into logistics. 

“90% of the festival is defined by the environment that you're in,” said Cosgrove.  

“It’s figuring out how the site works, where people work, where people walk, how it's situated, the amenities. All of those things.” 

The full cost of using the farmland isn’t publicly disclosed, but Cosgrove explained that in their first year of Welcome after the money was stolen by an intermediary, the land was paid for with an AEG drill kit. The general cost is “relatively small for us,” he said.

While the land might be a great deal on account of goodwill, the festival costs sky-rocket once you add staging, artists, portaloos, food trucks and safety measures. 

The total cost of running Welcome can rise as high as $200,000, or $135,000 in a good year, which is the ideal number to break even. But breaking even is no easy feat. Most years, there are heavy losses on the financial side. 

“The only time we've actually made money is the year that it got cancelled and we got COVID grants,” said Cosgrove. “Every other year [there are] between $75 and about $35,000 in losses.” 

And where does that $200,000 even come from in the first place? 

Festival goers gather at Welcome to Nowhere. Credit: Eyegum

“We don't make money, the money just goes into whatever we're doing next,” said Cosgrove. “So Eyegum, it doesn't make a profit, per se. I think it's ‘retained earnings’ as corporate terminology.”

There’s also funding from the likes of Creative New Zealand (CNZ), the NZ government's official art’s council, which Cosgrove explained makes a “massive difference.” 

“So much of the success is: have we gotten a CNZ grant this year? The funding is so useful and so effective in promoting and strengthening cultural development within Aotearoa.” 

Nowhere but Nowhere

With all the potential financial losses well understood by the Eyegum team, the question has to be asked: why do it?  

“Because we’re stupid,” said Cosgrove. 

But it’s more than blind idiocy.

Aotearoa’s nightlife isn’t exactly known to buzz, or even humm, and this leaves many people struggling to find an outlet. Cosgrove said this is one of the reasons it’s so important to keep events like Welcome going. “You just can't go to a pub or a techno bar for 24-48 hours like you can in Berlin,” he said.

Gigs are always happening if you know where to look, and many incredible artists and collectives push to bring the scene to life, but Aotearoa has found itself significantly lacking staple venues and events – and festivals give people a place to live out their pent up dreams. 

But despite it being an outlet, the event remains a fairly relaxed environment.

“What we've got is pretty chill and wholesome,” said Cosgrove, “The cops stopped coming a couple of years ago because it just wasn't worth their time to pop in and have a look.” 

Well-laid expectations of the organisers, along the lines of care and consent, have prevented things from getting out of control – as well as the attendance of drug testing organisation Know Your Stuff, who was present at Welcome before their operation was even made legal. So while punters might be bumping ketamine till the wee hours and starting the day kissing a bottle of Midori, everyone collectively seems to buy into the idea that this isn’t the type of festival you come to just to forget. 

Volunteers make up about 80-100 of the attendees. Cosgrove explained that “their volunteering time is divided up by about 30 bucks per hour off the price of a ticket. Normally treated as between six and eight hours of work.”

Cosgrove acknowledged that “tickets to festivals are expensive as hell,” so the option to volunteer is an accessibility element too. 

And as for the organisers themselves? Being paid for their time is the first thing to be cut when figuring out costs. 

Big names, big money?

Welcome showcases many incredible artists, musicians and poets and, while they have no official parameters set on who they book, Eyegum makes sure it doesn’t set the stage for a monotonous experience. Perhaps surprisingly, the line-up doesn’t seem to affect the public reception of the festival.

“What we've noticed is that artists don't really drive ticket sales. I remember the year that we got Ty Segal, we sold about 550 tickets in the first week, and then the day that Ty Segal was announced, [we sold] about 16 tickets that day.”

“That's actually kind of liberating, in a sense, because from there you can just be like, who do we want to book?” said Cosgrove. 

When it comes to finding the artists it’s about a 50/50 mix of people who apply and people that are approached by Eyegum – from up-and-coming bands to talented friends to the big leagues. 

Paying the artists takes a decent chunk out of the net cost and is tailored to each performer.

“We've framed the payments broadly around the cost of getting there [Whanganui]. So a four piece from Dunedin gets more money from us than a four piece from Wellington… In some years performers were paid in profit shares… Then you'll have bands with booking agents where you negotiate a fee… It's incredibly subjective,” said Cosgrove. 

Ultimately a lot of good faith goes into the line-up, as Cosgrove stressed “no one's really making money,” – the key is making sure that it's not particularly ruinous to attend for the artists involved. 

Festival goers gather at Welcome to Nowhere. Credit: Eyegum

The end of an era

So why, after seven years, is Welcome calling it quits? Along with some core Eyegum members taking flight to Europe, in large part it sadly comes down – surprise, surprise – to money. Rolling from year to year without a profit is something you can only do for so long. 

And Welcome is far from the only festival dealing with this strain.

“[This year] I know one festival lost $400,000 and another two festivals lost about $150,000. Another lost about $80,000. So there was like a bit of a bloodbath last festival season,” said Cosgrove. 

It’s not exactly a lucrative business.

Welcome to Nowhere arose in the Aotearoa festival scene as events like Chronophonium were winding down and the Eyegum team found themselves looking for an alternative to take its place. Perhaps, something will come out of the space left by Welcome. 

Welcome to Nowhere might be coming to an official end, but there’s a twinkle in the eye of dedicated festival lovers that might just keep hope afloat. 

“Everything costs money, but where there's a will, there's a way,” said Cosgrove.  

“At its core, people want to do this shit. Why do we keep doing it? Well, because, it’s amazing. Some of the best times in my life have been spent at our festival.” 

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.   

Neglecting our relationships is something I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of at some point in our lives. We only have so much time and capacity to manage our relationships, and our careers, keep our houses tidy, work on our hobbies, and our health. Our hierarchy of needs is always in flux.

Strong relationships, however, should be able to withstand these periods where you might have to dedicate your time to other areas. Yet, relationships need time and attention, like kindling to keep a fire going.

According to relationship expert Staci Bartley on her podcast “Love Shack”, if you don’t have time for a relationship, you’re not going to have one. Relationships are like a house. If we don’t maintain it, and keep it tidy, it’ll continue to break down without that maintenance, and this breakdown can manifest as neglect, growing apart from your partner, and eventually separation.

So what steps do we take to start fixing our relationship? And how might we end up starting to neglect our partners in the first place?

Neglect vs Avoidance

What’s important to outline is that while neglect and avoidance have similarities, context matters. Neglect is a failure to attend to our partner’s emotional needs in a relationship. What fuels neglect can be invisible. It can be a passive, slow emotional drift, or a deliberate act of spite.

Avoidance is often seen as a coping mechanism displayed from an avoidant attachment relationship type. People with an avoidant attachment type also referred to as anxious-avoidant, are fiercely independent and don’t have the same capacity to be physically or emotionally intimate as others.

In short, avoidance is a coping mechanism as a result of emotional trauma, whereas neglect is a breakdown of communication and intimacy with a partner. This can be slow, and thankfully repaired in a relationship through open communication and effort to try and meet the needs of your partner, and ask your partner to meet yours.

Why might we start neglecting our relationship?

Neglect can start from anything. If you’re the neglectful party, and you’re not sure why, something to ask yourself is if your neglect is a form of avoidance. What are you attempting to avoid with your partner?

We can sometimes withdraw from our relationships to avoid that argument, or maybe an argument that we had made us see a different side of our partner and we’re processing that. Sometimes we withdraw because we’re about to enter a new phase of life and partnership with them that makes the relationship more serious.

Neglect can also introduce conflict into our relationship, which in turn, can create more avoidance with our partner. Conflict increases in relationships when our emotional safety and emotional needs feel eroded and can only be resolved through communication and actively working on meeting those emotional needs.

This isn’t to say avoidance is a bad coping mechanism. Sometimes we don’t have the answer at the moment and need time to cool off and meditate on issues to find what’s triggering any anxiety, reluctance or negative feelings that might fuel an argument. It becomes problematic when we stay avoidant for too long, which can lead to neglecting our partner's emotional needs.

What does neglect look like?

According to Psychology Today, you might be emotionally neglectful if you’re not giving the emotional support your partner the emotional support they need. .

While neglect can take shape both physically and emotionally, many relationship experts would say that physical neglect falls under emotional neglect as well, as we need emotional intimacy and connection to be physical with our partners.

Emotional neglect can take shape in different ways. According to marriage associate and family therapist Sarah O’Leary in a conversation with Bride.com, neglect can be seen as:

• Feeling alone in your relationship
• Preferring to spend time alone instead of with your partner
• Your partner shutting down when you talk
• Not engaging in social activities as a couple
• Procrastinating on long-term decisions such as moving in together or having kids
• Lack of physical intimacy

She further said “Emotional neglect is when someone’s attachment and/or emotional needs are disregarded. Unsurprisingly, it pushes couples apart; you can’t feel emotionally safe or secure in a relationship with emotional neglect. It can also really negatively affect your own personal well-being—both mentally and physically."

How to start rebuilding it

If you’ve noticed that you might be neglecting your partner, it’s important that you start doing something about it today. It’s easy for us to keep kicking the can down the road and to avoid difficult conversations, but the longer we wait, the more we disrespect our partners and ourselves.

This doesn’t mean you need to go all out and plan extravagant dates, a holiday, or spontaneously move in together. Sudden moves like that don’t resolve the pain points that led you to neglect a partner, and you might eventually end up in a similar position later.

It’s okay to start small and try something doable to not extend yourself too much. Check in with one another by blocking time out in a day to communicate and talk about simple things like how your day was, anything exciting you did, or any struggles or negative feelings you might be experiencing. Your partner should be your go-to person for these kinds of conversations, and while they might be hard, sharing and working through them can build a stronger relationship.

What if my partner is pulling away and won’t come back?

When we start to have issues in our relationship, the first instinct is to pull away and ask for space to “figure things out”.

You can’t make your partner come back to you if they’re distancing themselves from you, but it needs to be voiced and made aware to start working on it. Ensuring a safe and comfortable environment for your partner is vital to let them feel okay to be vulnerable with you. You also have to be ready to make some concessions and to make space for them.

Relationships are built on finding compromise and communicating with each other. By considering why we might be acting neglectful, and interrogating those feelings, we should be able to understand this avoidance we’re going through. But if you love your partner, you need to also continue to keep making the effort for them however you can. Communicate, schedule small date days, find hobbies and activities you can share to slowly rebuild that trust and intimacy again.

Where can I find help?

If you realise that you’re being neglectful towards your partner, and you want to fix it, a good place to start is to acknowledge that emotional distance to your partner.

If you notice your partner neglecting your needs, it’s important to have that confrontation as well. Try to find a compromise on how you can both have your emotional needs met while facilitating each individual’s other responsibilities.

Therapy is always a great place to start, whether that’s by going alone to work on being an avoidant attachment type, struggling to communicate your emotional needs or intimacy, or having issues with compromising in relationships.

Couples therapy is also a great venue to host those kinds of conversations and allow both parties to feel valid and comfortable voicing their thoughts.

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