When I left Harvard with a degree in experimental psychology eleven years ago, I had no plans to sacrifice my career, marriage, and sanity to the Eurovision Song Contest.
Ukraine's winning song was largely seen as a jab at the Kremlin.
This weekend, Stockholm's streets were filled with people dressed like the Mad Hatter on a drunken, nationalist binge.
Der er stor forskel på en Eurovision-sexfest og et fire timer langt Eurovision show efterfulgt af en virkelig, virkelig sløj sexfest. Det her var sidstnævnte slags.
If there were a poster child for the Stronger In Europe campaign, it would be this room full of homos awkwardly singing along to languages they don't understand.
Because the only European vote you should be worrying about is tonight's British 'Eurovish' qualifiers on BBC Four.
From Fetty Wap to Jamie xx, who better to pick 2015's sunshine banger than a malicious and satanic extreme metal band?