Pen Pals
RockBottom Heads Toward Bottom
The early morning air stunk of pissy pussy and unwashed balls. RockBottom did his thing all night like always, dispensing drugs to the party people. The fiends were nodded out, neck-cramp proper, and the freaks spun out on E were in the bedroom...
Prisons I've Known and Yelped
I was kicked off Yelp probably about 15 times. I’m the ORIGINAL prison reviewer, along with some guy named Craig who did a nice review of Rikers four years ago and who probably got kicked off too. I lost my classic reviews, so I decided to make some...
Inmates Love Lawsuits
A prisoner named Kim Millbrook won a Supreme Court case with a handwritten petition, which is impressive. Thanks to him, inmates have the right to sue scumbag pork chops in federal jails, but the truth is that an assload of taxpayer money gets wasted...
Don’t Stick Dominoes in Your Dick
Some guys in prison like to get together in the bathroom, puncture their penises with a little slice, and then insert an implant. From what I hear, usually they break off a piece of a domino and insert it up under the foreskin area, or sometimes, down...
Home Is Where the Prison Is
The latest article I’ve seen about reforming the prison system is from something called GovLab, and it’s all about “data analytics” and “geo-driven decision making” and “virtual incarceration.” It sounds all nice and fancy when they say it, but it’s...
HardWhite Loves Twerk ’n’ Jerk
The county jail ain't that bad. I lie in bed all high and toasty listenin’ to music, plottin’ on my next move, and readin’ the Scrabble dictionary to build my vocab massive. I’m focused and dedicated to suck the most love outta the stinkin' clink while...
Down in the Hole
The cops definitely use the box as a tool, and it’s been seriously overused. In New York, the box is officially called a Special Housing Unit (SHU), and it is a serious tool to keep the inmates in check. I did very limited box time, and it scared the...
Prisons Punish Families Too
Imagine your dad was locked up for most of your life. You’d grow up poor, probably full of anger, likely in a louse-filled neighborhood with unseemly influences, and you’d have a greater chance of becoming a whore or a thief or a drug dealer and...
Valentine's Day Is a Punch to the Gunt
Girls love a lot of nonsense, like drinking out of wine glasses. What the fuck’s that for? You can just drink cheap wine out of the bottle and it tastes lovely as virginal blood. Girls also fall for sucker shit like soap operas and shopping networks...
Incorrect Officers
Daaamn! Look at this prison guard who’s having a cop killer’s baby after banging him behind bars! Over the years I’ve spent incarcerated, I’ve definitely run into a few slags working for Corrections.
Rehab or Prison?
Intervention-type shows give people the impression that everyone in rehab is on the verge of death, whereas it’s actually filled with heads trying to stay the fuck outta jail. In a lot of ways, it’s just another moneymaking racket.
Rappin' Wif Rockbottom
Even when I’m lookin’ cracked-out, I possess profucious retard strength. I can smoke 20 twenties, eat a whole chicken, light a couch on fire, and throw it out the window with my grandma sitting on it.