the brutality report
The Brutality Report - Wikipedia
Why does everyone think Wikipedia is such a big fucking deal? Samuel Johnson wrote the first English dictionary in nine years, by candlelight, in an 18th century world riddled with wolves and syphilis.
The Brutality Report - Goddamned Fucking Shit that Doesn't Fucking Work Right
Why can't all machines just work all the time? Why do so many stupid, stupid fucking things always have to not work? Seriously--WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
The Brutality Report - Freakouts
A freakout is when you drastically misjudge reality and then you drastically lose your shit. You wanted to do one thing but you did something else and it was bad.
The Brutality Report - Cat Hair
Being covered in white cat hair is problematic. In public, I am constantly picking at my clothing, a gesture both fussy and slobbish. It's the worst of both Felix Unger and Oscar Madison.
The Brutality Report - Opportunity Cost
What does opportunity cost mean for you? Well, first off, you could've been a veterinarian. So you blew that one.
The Brutality Report - Nagging the Childless
If you're a parent I've never met and you talk to me about your children, shame the fuck on you. I have called Child Protective Services on you people repeatedly.
The Brutality Report - Knowledge of the Bug Pit
This particular column is only about knowledge of the Bug Pit, not the actual pit itself. The actual Bug Pit is far too brutal for this column.