You know the lyrics. I’m talking about the piña colada song, and its real title is Escape, by the way. Even if you find piña coladas repulsive (you monster), the idea of a cold, frozen drink as the temperatures soar toward 100 degrees has a universal allure.
What’s that, you say? You need some justification to rationalize purchasing a Ninja SLUSHi, even when it’s already down $90 from its usual retail price? Experts say it’s going to be a particularly hot summer. Why, you pretty much have to spend the warm months cooling down with a nice, frozen drink. It’s practically self care.
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There are tons of drinks to make beyond frozen margaritas, piña coladas, and daiquiris. Like Margaritaville’s Havanas and Bananas, which I had in the Times Square Margaritaville and was damn good, especially since I’m a neat whiskey guy and tend to shy away from the sweet stuff.
Not drinking, or you want to include the kiddos? You could make a damn good frozen morir soñando, I bet. That’s a non-alcoholic Dominican drink made of orange juice, milk, cane sugar, and chopped ice. Or a salted watermelon slushie. Or really anything. If it doesn’t exist yet, go experiment with the Ninja Slushi. You don’t need to feed it with ice, and the 88-fluid-ounce version I’m spotlighting here makes seven servings per batch, so you won’t need to man it like an assembly line if you have company over.
Also, if you’ve never paid all that close attention to the lyrics of Rupert Holmes’ Escape (The Piña Colada Song), you should read ’em. It’s not a particularly happy song. It’s about two shitty married people who try to screw around on each other and end up reaffirming the maxim that terrible people should pair off to save the rest of us from their company.
But there’s something awesome about cheery songs paired with dark lyrics, so make a piña colada in a Ninja SLUSHi and have a toast to Holmes’ perennially misunderstood banger.
Contest Alert: VICE Playlist Project
If you’re making music, VICE just launched the Playlist Project, a global song contest built around real life moments. Instead of genres, you’ll submit songs to a specific category that fits your track. Entries are open now, with cash prizes and VICE social & editorial features on the line.
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