We Love Pizza But These Pizza Bouquets Are Gonna Be a No From Us, Dawg

For 100-plus years, every would-be bride has heard a traditional rhyme in her head from the first minute that she started planning her wedding: “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.” But now you might as well add another line to include “something greasy, something cheesy,” because pizza restaurants are stupid-thirsty to be part of your big day.

Several years ago, Pizza Hut launched a $10,010 engagement package which included a ruby ring, a fireworks display, and $10 (yes, $10) worth of Pizza Hut pizza, breadsticks, and cinnamon sticks, because if the two of you can survive post-wedding indigestion, your relationship was meant to be. Then Domino’s jumped in with a one-off, 22-karat, pizza-shaped engagement ring and an ongoing Wedding Registry, so you can find out which one of your shit cousins is willing to drop a whole 15 bucks on your gift.

And now, we have this: Villa Italian Kitchen is giving away pizza bouquets and boutonnieres to “a few lucky brides and grooms” who will be getting married this summer. (This is the same New Jersey-based hellmouth that introduced Pumpkin Spice Pizza last fall). The edible arrangements are made from carefully crafted pizza dough, mozzarella, tomatoes, and pepperoni, and pretty much guarantee that your hands will smell like you gave Little Caesar a reacharound after the rehearsal dinner.

“We are so excited to kick-off wedding season with the launch of the world’s first Pizza Bouquet and Boutonniere,” Mimi Wunderlich, Villa Italian Kitchen’s Director of Communications and Digital Marketing said. “These delicious floral accessories are perfect for pizza-loving couples looking to spice up their wedding with one-of-a-kind designs. We are looking forward to celebrating the marriages of some of our most loyal fans by gifting them a set of their own, just in time for their wedding.”

Just… why would you do this? On the bright side, instead of throwing it backwards toward your single friends, you can either feed it to the flower girls or just throw it into the trash. On the even brighter side, at least they drew the line before making a pepperoni-and-cheese garter. But it also seems like a terrible idea to carry cured meats and whole tomatoes while you’re wearing a dress that probably cost more than, like, a year’s worth of health insurance. (Even Pizza Hut was OK with including real flowers in its engagement package).

If, for some reason, you do want your wedding day to include a wad of mozzarella roses, you can register to win (???) one of these on Villa Italian Kitchen’s website. Everyone who enters gets a coupon for a free slice of Neapolitan cheese pizza at a participating Villa Italian Kitchen restaurant, so it looks like I’m “getting married” this summer too. Anybody know if the Showbiz Pizza band is free to play my reception?