All the Guys You Should Avoid, According to Your Zodiac Sign
How to tell if you're a match made in the stars or the fires of hell before you fall too hard.
Illustration by Farraz Tandjoeng
Is your dating life like the sun? Is it warm, sunny, and life-affirming? Or is it a black hole? A dark, all-encompassing void that just sucks and sucks and sucks? After years of dating, I'm still not sure. I've had an on-again/ off-again relationship with the dating apps. I've done the flirty text messages, the nervous first dates, and even the eventual ghosting, nearly every possible sign out there, from Aries to Pisces.
I have no doubt that there is someone out there for everyone. But when you're walking home from another disastrous date with a Gemini you met on Tinder who would't stop talking about himself all night, it's easy to lose faith. It makes you wonder, are there just some people who are to be avoided at all costs?
Well, I'm here to tell you that the answer is a definite yes. And it's all in the stars. Sure, you could just ignore me and keep on stumbling from one shit date to the next until you get tired and uninstall Tinder for a month, swearing that you're going to swear off dating forever.
Or you could look up your birth chart, figure out your zodiac sign, and read on.
Here's a list of all the men you need to avoid, based on your Zodiac sign.
Avoid: The Stalker/Heartbreaker
Dear Aries, you love your personal space. So if your man is keeping tabs on you,or worse, getting passive-aggressive because you can’t see him this weekend, then run. This isn’t Twilight. As much as you like a cute, forever-seventeen vampire, you need your space too. Draw the line in the sand and set your boundaries. If your boo can't give you that, you know what to do.
Avoid: The Workaholic Walter
You don't need all that much in a relationship, Taurus. All you really want is the regular wine-and-dine every weekend, the regular catch-up sessions, and, most importantly, some physical intimacy. And you don't need to pretend that you don’t want all of that just because your Walter White has unpredictable working hours and always forgets to text you back. And look, how can you ever be sure if he's not gonna bail on your romantic dinner for a late night meeting?
Avoid: The Father Figure
Honestly speaking, a life of the party like you shouldn't end up dating someone who will nag you about curfews, schedules, and house chores. You're a child at heart! You deserve to have all the fun, hang out with all your friends, and really just do whatever the fuck you want. If the guy you're seeing starts asking you things like "wanna go to sleep early tonight?" and "what time are you coming home later?" then it's time to kick him out.
Avoid: Your Own "Mr. Grey"
There are so many people out there who are totally clueless about themselves and, for them, it might be a turn on when then meet someone who just drips confidence. But if you're a Cancer, the last person you need is someone who wants to control you. This guy may say he loves you, but he's really there to dominate you and tell you what to feel. You’re a cutie, a softie, and a romantic at heart. You can be clingy at times, and craving PDA from your lover is totally fine. But anyone who tells you how to act in a relationship is DEFINITELY not for you. Maybe it's time to show Mr. Grey the exit.
Avoid: The Sherlock Holmes
Giving and receiving attention is pretty much a turn on for all Leos. And if the guy you're dating right now is cold at heart, you can bet the ship is going to sink. Fast. Try not to get charmed with their cool exterior, because a fire sign like you always need someone to fan your flame. You don’t need someone who takes your generosity for granted and forgot to return the affection.
Avoid: The Man Child
As a Virgo, you should be proud of yourselves for being an efficient, detailed, and practical individual. But you should never let a man project all his mommy issues on you. As much as you're trying to be helpful, being in a relationship with someone who expects you to fix their problems, all the time is just not healthy. Their baggage is not your responsibility! If your partner doesn't even know how to pay bills on time, spare yourself a lifetime of headaches and just walk away.
Avoid: The Jealous Jack
Libras can't stop flirting to save their lives. You'll flirt with your best friend, the waiter across your table, and occasionally, your coworkers. Based on my calculations, then, you probably don't have room for a guy who easily feels jealous. Thank u, next!
You're someone who loves to fuse you life with someone else. So then why waste your time on these flakey, sometimes charming boys who don't know what they want and then run away the minute things look serious? These Don Drapers love to linger, until you hit them with the "so, what are we?" question. Then they're gone. Life is too short to worry about someone who isn't crazy about you.
Avoid: The Slowpoke Smiths
You know those guys who are really a bit too comfortable with their own lives (and, ahem, their own mediocrity)? Yeah, just stay away from those. They’re not for you. These Jerry Smiths, from Rick and Morty, are boring and they’re probably meant to stay put in their little cubicles. Where's the adventure? The challenge? The thrill? Honestly, it’s better to remain single than to have to slow down for these guys.
Avoid: The Forever Bachelor
For a boss like you, dating someone who doesn’t know what to do with their life is the perfect recipe for disaster. As the Mia Dolan of all zodiac sign, it’s hard for you to understand why anyone would want to live a life without a pursuing a successful career. Rather than spending your days pushing your man to be a successful jazz pianist, why not focus on your future audition instead?
Avoid: The Harmless Halpert
Basic people are perfectly fine. They're nice to have around. But for someone who loves to break the rules, basic won't cut it in the dating department. You shouldn’t date someone who’s the Jim Halpert of the society because they won’t be able to appreciate your intellectual, trailblazing ideas. The next time you spot these Jims on your dating app, please swipe left ASAP.
Avoid: The Tortured Artists
We get it, you’re into Jughead, from Riverdale, because he’s weird, artsy, and emo AF. But these type of guys are usually nicer to look at than actually deal with. At the end of the day, all you want is someone who can treat you right, and if you’re not sure the tortured artist can do that, please find another guy to warm your bed. Don't expect them to change for you because, in the end, they won't. Listen to your friends and cut them off. Don’t get caught up in your hopeless romantic fantasy, Pisces.
Canti Widyadhari is a traveling intuitive reader and certified Reiki master and the founder of Foxglove Tarot. She's passionate about raising the awareness of self-love and helping women to design their dream life using tarot, astrology, and reiki healing. Follow her on Instagram.