After eight engrossing years of boobs, blood and dragons, winter has finally come to an end. The gloriously great show that brought us all together, Game of Thrones just breathed its last and there’s no Lord of Light powerful enough to resurrect it from its all-too-rushed wreckage. And even though its conclusion has tried to tie up all loose ends, the series finale shall be remembered as a satisfying, even if all too underwhelming, a conclusion.
Still, even as most of its characters have come full circle to fulfil their destiny, others have just come.
Praised for portraying sex in the most unabashed and unapologetic manner, Game of Thrones as a show has always stripped down sexual intimacy to real, raw moments that feel like more than just flesh clanking against flesh. And while the showrunners (appropriately referred to as D&D) have tried to furnish an answer for most questions fans have thrown their way, there’s a burning one that still remains: Who would fuck the best?
We know Jon’s got a magnificent ass and Dany has been practising how to please since her Drogo days. We know Arya was at least good enough that Gendry wanted to wed her after the two shared a fleeting fuck. And we know Bran can see everything coming (voyeurism ftw). But now that our watch has ended, we thought we’d throw it out to some of the biggest Thrones fans we know to tell us who they think would be the best in bed.
Praman, 28, entrepreneur
VICE: So Praman, who do you think brings their A-game when it comes to sex in the realm?
Praman: Armed with a magic bracelet that provides her with an incredibly hot bod, Melisandre brings with her centuries’ worth of seduction techniques and experience. Insecure? No need! She only gossips with the Lord of Light. Melisandre is a walking-talking version of the 23andMe test. If she's stripping before you, then that's because she's researched your family history and knows that you're of a royal bloodline. Do her well, and she might even tell you. Validation much? The sex might only be a brief moment of pleasure for you, but she's not pulling her punches. If she's in your bed, or under you on a table, or on top of you on a chair, she's definitely taking the truck to kingdom cum. If you resist, she'll put on a fight. If you continue resisting, and overpower her, she'll hornswoggle her way to strap you to the bed—and who doesn't like a surprise?
Do you think her character’s mysterious nature makes her all the more turning on?
There's plenty of personal and supernatural mystery involved, and a black shadow agent-of-death child would make for an interesting kid to raise. And if there's ever a need to spice up the ambience, she could even light the candles in the room without leaving the bed.
Shrishti, 24, producer
VICE: So Shrishti, who would you like to get into bed with in GoT?
Shrishti: I think Grey Worm will be the best in bed, just on the basis of his relationship with Missandei and the strengthening of their bond after they spent the night together many seasons ago. He seems like he'll be super attentive and caring, and will try to make the best use of his fingers and mouth, and anything else he can, in ways that a cishet man with a dick never would. Safe to say that he won't be unsullied in bed, and though Dany may be his queen, if he's into you, he'll bend the knee, whenever required.
How do you think not having a dick would make the sex different?
I think it's important because Grey Worm is a cishet man without a dick. Most cishet men with dicks aren't very good at using stuff other than dicks (fingers, mouth, toys) to pleasure women. The focus ends up being on penetrative sex even though most women cum because of clitoral stimulation. I also think it'll be more exciting because the focus won't be on his dick and him cumming, which ends up being the case with most men. So we'll find ways to make sex more exciting and end up reimagining what good sex would be, finding new ways and means to pleasure each other, and exploring each other's physical sensations beyond traditional notions of orgasms. And since strap-ons were non-existent in that era, maybe Gendry could give him a hand and eventually forge him a golden dick?
Ashi, 22, writer
VICE: Hello Ashi. Who's the best in bed in the Seven Kingdoms according to you?
Ashi: I feel like Tyrion would be pretty great in bed. He's the smartest man in Westeros, so I mean, he'd know the basics of female anatomy. Also he's put that knowledge to use. A lot. He has more than enough experience and would know his way around a woman's body. He also seems like the kind of guy who'd focus on you first and then his own pleasure.
Don’t you think the height difference would matter?
No, especially not after the way he treated Sansa, refusing to have sex with her even though they were married. It shows he really understands consent, and come on, that's a huge turn on already. Finally, there'd probably be wine after—and the best quality wine in all of Westeros. So Tyrion FTW.
Parth, 27, writer
VICE: Hey Parth. Who's your chosen sex god/goddess from the Seven Kingdoms?
Parth: Forget the old gods and the new, it’s sex god Pod. He’s the best singer. And even sex workers in the brothels went crazy after fucking him. They said his cock was “too big”. Their minds were blown. And now he’s a knight, so why not?
So, do you think having a big dick would make someone good in bed?
No, but when sex workers tell you someone was the best, it’s probably true. Also, after the Battle of Winterfell, when people like Gendry were running around trying to fuck women, Pod was just standing there even though two people wanted to have sex with him. He is the only one.
Supriya, 22, student
VICE: Hey Supriya! Who do you think would be the best person in the GoT universe to have sex with?
Supriya: Okay, so most likely the non-rapist version of Khal Drogo assuming he looks like Jason Momoa (in the books he is described the same). He's actually patient and quite progressive for a Dothraki. He is willing to let Daenerys get on top of him and lead the way which is great because it shows he's willing to make an effort, and men making an effort is something I like. He gives off a very I'm-not-very-imaginative-but-I'm-totally-down-to-explore-what-you-have-in-mind vibe. He also seems like the guy who would take immense pride in being table to satisfy a woman and hence would make more effort (brownie points), so I know I’d really like that.
He seems like the kind of person who would like it rough. Do you think that might make the sex better?
I don’t think that rough sex makes it better. I chose Drogo based on his character arc. And of course his body is bloody amazing. And he seems like the kind of Khal who’d be down to cuddle the morning after.
Do you think he’d be into BDSM?
Judging by the way he was hesitant when Dany tried to lead the way but then gave in, I think he seems like a dude who’d be up for anything, BDSM included.
Naitik, 22, finance associate
VICE: So Naitik, who do you think would be the best fuck in town?
Naitik: I really feel like Cersei Lannister would be the best in bed. She would have immense sexual frustration which would make the experience even more thrilling. Between brother, men and women, she’s probably the most sexually experienced woman in Westeros besides all the whores. She’s also very dominating which makes her even hotter. Oh and she was supposed to be Oberyn’s woman, so she definitely knows how to please a man.
Don’t you think she’d be pretty distracted by her plans of world domination though?
Yeah, I’m sure she would be thinking of how to damage Dany so it would require a lot to get that off her mind, which adds a bit of a challenge and would make the sex all the more exciting.
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