Illustration by Pratiksha Chauhan
Being in your late 20s is both a blessing and a curse. And nothing is a better example of this than being invited to school reunions. Deciding whether or not you're going is a constant battle between wanting to satisfy your curiosity about how your friends are doing now, and trying to avoid feeling shitty about your friends' accomplishments.And isn't the whole point of leaving high school is so you can meet other, better human beings who don't make you feel like shit every day? But if you decide to indulge in the throwback, think of this list as a warning before you go to war, um, I meant before you spend a wholesome, eventful night full of exchanging baby pictures, business cards, and same old jokes from senior year. Here are the people you're going to see at your school reunion, according to their signs:Aries
Your Aries buddy is a budding entrepreneur with an attitude of “go big or go home.” His goal right now is to secure more funding for his company. He’s the type of person who would yell at a Shark Tank pitch thinking he could do better than everyone else, even though he’s terrible with sales. With his wide variety of interests, he’s done a lot more than your other friends: he's invested on Bitcoin, traveled during a gap year, and completed a Muay Thai training in the Philippines—you name it, he’ll try anything once. He's married to a Libra.Taurus
She's an ambitious career mom who looks like she has it all, but is always low-key anxious. She needs to pop Xanax every few hours as she juggles work and raising two children. She's the favorite mom in school because she always has food in her house and she throws the best playdate parties. She’s a total wine mom with a secret Smule account where she sings covers of late 90s ballads.Gemini
As a student, Gemini was one of those likable, friendly guys who was always busy with school activities. Today he’s a freelancer with a million projects. He's single because he’s technically married to his career. He carries two phones: one for work, and one for his best friends. There’s a third one for booty calls, but he'll never admit it. He's bisexual and pretty open about it.Cancer
She is the mom of your group. She remembers everyone's birthdays. She wishes she has children of her own, but her nursing job gets in the way of dating. She's still the kindest person you’ve ever met all these years later, although she can be protective of her friend. If she has to, she can be manipulative, but nobody really sees it. Yet.Leo
Back in high school, Leo used to be every girl’s unattainable crush. He took modeling gigs back then, but now he’s a successful Instagram influencer who reviews hip cafes and bars. He's a devoted family man with three kids. He feeds his family with money from Instagram sponsorships, but he wishes he could quit his job to write a memoir. Has a password-locked folder in his phone for his bathroom selfies.Virgo
Revenge of the nerd! He was the smart and quiet kid who is now a CTO in a unicorn startup. He's also a best friend of Capricorn. He's always looked sleek, presentable and business-like. He's bad at small talk, but anticipate a series of unsolicited advice as you talk about your career with him. He came out two years ago, and now he lives with a partner and a small dog. A bichon frise, to be exact.Libra
Libra is a cool mom with a baby. Libra used to be one of the girls who knows everything about everyone. She’s a content writer and a part-time designer. Her favorite social media is Pinterest. She always shows up with a perfect manicure, a phone in her hand, and a burst of contagious laughter.Scorpio
You can always spot Scorpio from afar because, BDE. He's currently working as an actor and a freelance director. He won't stop talking about method acting and Leonardo DiCaprio. He has one of those faces that you can’t read, but once you get to know him, you'll see that he’s actually a sensitive and caring guy. Unfortunately, he’s married with a son, although he hasn’t moved on from his high school sweetheart.Sagittarius
It's the first time you see her at a school reunion because she's usually so busy following her #wanderlust. She has a master's degree in philosophy, along with a bunch of unrelated undergraduate degrees that she studied abroad. She's a newlywed, but she'll tell you it's an open marriage because commitment is not really her thing. She's not sure if she wants to be a mom because she sees motherhood as a threat to her freedom.Capricorn
He has that aura that exudes power, confidence, and reliability. He looks smug as hell, but you can't really blame him. No one really sure what he’s doing, but he’s working a lot with politicians, and he considered himself a conservative even though he's actually a liberal. People look up to him for advice, and he gives a great one, even though he doesn't care so much about them. He's a closeted sugar daddy.Aquarius
She works for an NGO and handles their social media. She gets fed up with the government's bureaucracy on the daily, but since she can't tweet at them, she'll rant non-stop at dinner. Her goal is to make the world a better place, but she’s too busy writing her sustainable living blog and dealing with the anti-vax crowd online. She's single because she doesn't believe in marriage, but she's actually the best wing woman out there.Pisces
Your Pisces friend has always been the joker who gets away with making offensive jokes because he’s so adorable. He's an artist and is rarely sober. He always has a stash of weed in his bag, and if you ask him why, he would tell you that he needs them to stay inspired. He's multitalented, creative, and a deep thinker, but has a hard time making money out of it.Canti Widyadhari is a traveling intuitive reader, certified Reiki master, and the founder of Foxglove Tarot. She's passionate about raising the awareness of self-love and helping women to design their dream life using tarot, astrology, and reiki healing. Follow her on Instagram.
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Your Aries buddy is a budding entrepreneur with an attitude of “go big or go home.” His goal right now is to secure more funding for his company. He’s the type of person who would yell at a Shark Tank pitch thinking he could do better than everyone else, even though he’s terrible with sales. With his wide variety of interests, he’s done a lot more than your other friends: he's invested on Bitcoin, traveled during a gap year, and completed a Muay Thai training in the Philippines—you name it, he’ll try anything once. He's married to a Libra.Taurus
She's an ambitious career mom who looks like she has it all, but is always low-key anxious. She needs to pop Xanax every few hours as she juggles work and raising two children. She's the favorite mom in school because she always has food in her house and she throws the best playdate parties. She’s a total wine mom with a secret Smule account where she sings covers of late 90s ballads.Gemini
As a student, Gemini was one of those likable, friendly guys who was always busy with school activities. Today he’s a freelancer with a million projects. He's single because he’s technically married to his career. He carries two phones: one for work, and one for his best friends. There’s a third one for booty calls, but he'll never admit it. He's bisexual and pretty open about it.
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She is the mom of your group. She remembers everyone's birthdays. She wishes she has children of her own, but her nursing job gets in the way of dating. She's still the kindest person you’ve ever met all these years later, although she can be protective of her friend. If she has to, she can be manipulative, but nobody really sees it. Yet.Leo
Back in high school, Leo used to be every girl’s unattainable crush. He took modeling gigs back then, but now he’s a successful Instagram influencer who reviews hip cafes and bars. He's a devoted family man with three kids. He feeds his family with money from Instagram sponsorships, but he wishes he could quit his job to write a memoir. Has a password-locked folder in his phone for his bathroom selfies.Virgo
Revenge of the nerd! He was the smart and quiet kid who is now a CTO in a unicorn startup. He's also a best friend of Capricorn. He's always looked sleek, presentable and business-like. He's bad at small talk, but anticipate a series of unsolicited advice as you talk about your career with him. He came out two years ago, and now he lives with a partner and a small dog. A bichon frise, to be exact.Libra
Libra is a cool mom with a baby. Libra used to be one of the girls who knows everything about everyone. She’s a content writer and a part-time designer. Her favorite social media is Pinterest. She always shows up with a perfect manicure, a phone in her hand, and a burst of contagious laughter.
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You can always spot Scorpio from afar because, BDE. He's currently working as an actor and a freelance director. He won't stop talking about method acting and Leonardo DiCaprio. He has one of those faces that you can’t read, but once you get to know him, you'll see that he’s actually a sensitive and caring guy. Unfortunately, he’s married with a son, although he hasn’t moved on from his high school sweetheart.Sagittarius
It's the first time you see her at a school reunion because she's usually so busy following her #wanderlust. She has a master's degree in philosophy, along with a bunch of unrelated undergraduate degrees that she studied abroad. She's a newlywed, but she'll tell you it's an open marriage because commitment is not really her thing. She's not sure if she wants to be a mom because she sees motherhood as a threat to her freedom.Capricorn
He has that aura that exudes power, confidence, and reliability. He looks smug as hell, but you can't really blame him. No one really sure what he’s doing, but he’s working a lot with politicians, and he considered himself a conservative even though he's actually a liberal. People look up to him for advice, and he gives a great one, even though he doesn't care so much about them. He's a closeted sugar daddy.Aquarius
She works for an NGO and handles their social media. She gets fed up with the government's bureaucracy on the daily, but since she can't tweet at them, she'll rant non-stop at dinner. Her goal is to make the world a better place, but she’s too busy writing her sustainable living blog and dealing with the anti-vax crowd online. She's single because she doesn't believe in marriage, but she's actually the best wing woman out there.Pisces
Your Pisces friend has always been the joker who gets away with making offensive jokes because he’s so adorable. He's an artist and is rarely sober. He always has a stash of weed in his bag, and if you ask him why, he would tell you that he needs them to stay inspired. He's multitalented, creative, and a deep thinker, but has a hard time making money out of it.Canti Widyadhari is a traveling intuitive reader, certified Reiki master, and the founder of Foxglove Tarot. She's passionate about raising the awareness of self-love and helping women to design their dream life using tarot, astrology, and reiki healing. Follow her on Instagram.