Afternoon Sex is the Best Thing to Have Come Out of the Lockdown

First off, if you’re among the unfortunate ones who haven’t been able to bone in 2020, thanks to being shut in without a fuckbuddy, my sympathies. I see you (metaphorically speaking, not how the fascist governments do), and I am sorry for your loss.

But for those who have been able to hook up with their lovers or partners, mainly because you live together and are in each other’s faces all the time (like, all the time, all day, everyday, day after day), I suspect you’re discovering new things about your life together that the pre-lockdown life just didn’t reveal enough of. Maybe now you know how easily your significant other falls apart when they have to do the cleaning and cooking the day your period arrived, with no house help to turn to. Maybe now you know how annoyingly loud they are on work calls, like they’re willing their voice to physically travel the miles between them and their team. Or maybe now you finally got to experience sex during office hours .

For all of our mostly happy marriage of six years, my husband and I came back to one dilemma: he got horny after getting up in the mornings, while the fire in my loins would get ignited only at bedtime.

My reasons were simple. In the mornings, my mind automatically races to how the day ahead would look like, and going down on my knees while thinking about editing a story on a protest against an infuriating decision by the government is hardly code for arousal. The nights, on the other end, see me relaxed, with time at hand, in bed anyway, sometimes after a glass of gin, willing to throw in that one last dash of energy before turning in. In the end, one of us would usually give in because my mama taught me that something is better than nothing.

But then came the pandemic lockdowns and the possibility of sneaking in an afternoon nap post lunch without having the HR find out that your long bathroom breaks after lunchtime were not due to eternal constipation. One day in early May, when lockdown fatigue was setting in, we both sweatily lay down on the bed around 2.30 p.m. after having lunched and done the dishes in the scorching afternoon temperatures. We had assumed a nap in the air-conditioned bedroom would follow but it was like our minds were suddenly synced to the idea of some free-flowing heavy petting. Out of nowhere, the post-lunch daze turned into an incredibly hot sex scene, which if we were filming for a porn site, would’ve probably made us  enough money to not have to write this story to earn my living. Some minutes later, the catatonic daze that usually accompanies afternoons was replaced by the kind of excitement you feel when you discover something new and awesome. And our afternoons would never be the same again. Say it with me: Afternoon Delight.

The debate between sunrise shag v/s after-party coitus has gone on forever, with each side listing benefits to its name—from the dopamine rush of frisky mornings helping you do better at work and have a glow while at it, to midnight cravings helping you connect better with your partner after a long day.

The real winner though is the nooner.

According to a story in Men’s Health which quotes hormone expert Alisa Vitti, we’re most in tune with our partner’s desires at 3 p.m.. This is also the time the oestrogen peaks in men making them “more emotionally present”, whereas in women, the cortisol levels are high, making them more alert and energetic. That’s basically the yin-yang of intimate sex.

In another piece of research, Dr Kelley, a clinical research associate at Oxford University's Sleep and Circadian Neuroscience Institute, laid out the optimal time for each age group to have sex. Now while the afternoon slot has gone to those in their 20s in this research, my very early-to-mid-30s age is proof enough that age is just a number made up to name-and-shame. Add to this the cheap thrills of cheating off work to have sex, and this lockdown has not been a complete waste.

Follow VICE on Twitter and Instagram.