This article originally appeared on VICE Australia.
Garlic bread, unlike full-time employment, has been a constant throughout my life. It was a childhood classic, a high school staple, and a full university dinner. It’s been there on great dates and bad hangovers. Without laboring the point, I love garlic bread.
But I don't love all garlic breads. Some garlic bread manufacturers prioritise cheap over edible, which is annoying. There's nothing worse than pulling a hot pole of buttery bread from the oven and sinking into a big couch, expecting magic, only to find that you bought some low-rent dickhead garlic bread. I hate that. I can't stand that.
And it's for this reason that I decided to review every garlic bread in the country. And sure, it's not every single garlic bread in the whole country. I'm certain there's a few obscure treasures I don't know about in Adelaide or some place like that, but these are the mainstream ones. These are the ones you'll find in your local supermarket, regardless of where you live. There were 10 types in total, and I tried all of them to discover Coles’ Garlic Baguette was the absolute worst and the best was... well, you'll just have to read the article.
Piatti’s Premium Garlic Loaf - $2.69
Let me start this review by setting the scene: it was a Saturday afternoon, and I'd had only a small breakfast. I didn’t eat lunch. I felt prepared to eat two or three slices of each loaf, to give each brand the time and attention it deserved. I went in feeling confident, and started with Piatti’s Premium Loaf, straight from my kitchen oven.
Sadly, it was awful. The butter was dried up, the garlic somehow burned, and the bread was impossibly thick. Also you know how some brands make an open-top loaf? Like they smear all the butter on the top and put nothing in the middle? Well these open-top things look good on the packaging, but they're garbage in practice. They just dry out, which is the single worst mistake a garlic bread can make.
La Famiglia’s Traditional Garlic Bread - $4.00
This was another dried out husk-flavoured open loaf bunch of crap and, like the last one, it went in the bin.
Woolworths’ Garlic Bread - $2.00
The Woolworths’ Garlic Bread was a religious experience. Unlike the previous two sawdust-inspired disappointments, this guy was moist and divine. The butter was golden and salty. The crust was crunchy, and the dough was gooey. And you could actually taste the herbs or lawn clippings or whatever those green bits are.
Piatti’s Garlic Bread - $1.79
This was only my fourth bun, and I was already feeling a food baby coming on. However, the Piatti's was deliciously creamy and warm, and I could really taste the parsley. And just look at my face; I’m exuding a motherly glow.
Coles’ Garlic Baguette - $2.80
Never buy this baguette. Don’t taste it, don't look at it, don't even read the rest of my review about it. I’m not kidding: this bread was the worst of the worst. Every bite of this roll made me wince. The texture was reminiscent of baby food, and it tasted like seawater.
Creative Foods’ Vegan Garlic Bread - $2.00
Look, I was hoping that this bread would be amazing. The vegans get enough hate, and I thought that it winning would make a great twist. But the bread was incredibly chewy to the point of being exhausting, and I still had so many breads to go.
Coles’ Garlic Bread - $1.90
Stomach update: near capacity. Mental state: garlic-drunk. Morale: it was becoming a whole lot lower folks. And this grody Coles’ bread, which was basically the same as the other crap Coles garlic bread, didn't help. Eating this roll was like making out with the MC at your sister’s wedding. The mouth feel was slimy, and I wasn't sure why I was doing it.
La Famiglia’s Sourdough Garlic Bread - $6.30
La Famiglia’s Sourdough is the bread that you buy to get laid. It’s wrapped in an erotic black wrapper. It’s a girthy, buttery log. It also has a high price point that you will boast about on a date. However, despite these qualities, it represents zero sex and amateur foreplay. Not that I hate this rich tasting roll: it was just too goddamn greasy and the price tag makes everyone look desperate.
La Famiglia’s Garlic Ciabatta - $6.70
My face was saying delicious, and my stomach was saying, “Let’s chill.”
Piatti’s Garlic Sourdough - $4.49
This sourdough—this beautiful and scrumptious sourdough—was a game changer. It was refreshing, crunch-filled, and vinegary. It tasted so sour and salty that I forgot that I was feeling bloated and sad. And it’s not often that the garlic plays second fiddle. But in this case, the sourdough loaf was a transcendent bread-sperience.
So this, my friends, was the best garlic bread of the day. Simply put, it's the best garlic bread in all of Australia.
And there you have it, a review of every supermarket garlic bread in the country. They're all pretty good but Piatti’s was the best. Basically just steer away from all those open-top fiscos or anything sporting a Coles label and you'll be fine.
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