Hey Ron! Will the Flu Kill Me?

Hey Ron!

I picked up a newspaper yesterday and read all about the flu epidemic that’s going around. We’ve had swine flu, pig flu, bird flu, mad cow disease, and now this. Were the Mayans a few months off? Could this be the end, right here?

I ran to my neighborhood drug store, but the line for vaccines was all the way down to the diaper aisle. I dialed the numbers for every pharmacy within a 20 block radius of my house, but all of their shots had been shot.

What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to survive the epidemic that’s sweeping the nation?

Sick Chicken

Dear Mr. Chicken,

I was at the pharmacy yesterday, and it was like they were giving away crack. It was insane. It looked like they had just dropped a new pair of Jordans. Everyone was arguing and going crazy over that flu shot. But you know what? I went to the doctor two months ago and got my shot. It was no problem at all.

You want the shot now that everybody’s sick? Maybe you should have listened when they told you to get your flu shot back in November and December. It’s called preventative maintenance.

Now, there are people crying on the news about everyone running out of vaccines. Of course they ran out. No one was taking them two months ago, so the companies stopped making them. That’s how money works. That thing has a shelf life. They’re not going to spend a couple hundred dollars making something that nobody wants. You should have taken the damn thing when it was available to you. Now that it’s dried up, there’s mass hysteria.

The media can definitely put panic into the people, too. That’s they’re job. I don’t know if they’re taking a cut from the vaccine companies, but they make everything sound a lot worse than it is. Don’t get me wrong, I know people are sick. My friends and family are sick. But stop talking like we’re all going to die from it. It’s a controllable epidemic.

You should avoid the subways, though. There are people that sneeze on the train and I just want to smack them. I’ve seen people pick their nose and then grab the rail. I look at them like, “Really?” And they say, “Sorry.” But they aren’t sorry for what they did. They’re just sorry they got caught. Germs are bouncing around inside a subway car. There’s nowhere for them to go except in your nose holes. Watch out!

If you really can’t find a vaccine, let me enlighten you with a Hempfill family remedy to ward off illness. Alcohol kills everything. For real. If I was sick growing up, the answer was liquor. If I had diarrhea, liquor. If I was falling behind in school, liquor. My family was big on the sauce. Maybe there was a drop of cough medecine for the kids when we were growing up, but by the time we were 11, we were strictly sipping booze. I can't say it is for everyone, but it worked for me. I turned out alright. If you can't get your hands on the shot, get a bottle of spirits instead.

Previously - Should I Marry a Manslut?

Ron is VICE's accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and antisocial thoughts don't surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions at HeyRon@vice.com or tweet them at @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets his or her question answered will receive his or her very own Hey Ron! T-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.