A Leaked Copy of the Acceptance Speech Bill Shorten Probably Won’t Read

Walk on stage. Stand at podium. Hold for applause.

Good evening, my name is Bill Shorten and tonight, you have elected me as your new Prime Minister, and secured a prosperous future for our nation and our children.

Hold for laughter.

I would like to pay my respects to the previous Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull. I spoke to Malcolm on the phone earlier, and he conveyed his sincerest hopes that you will all contribute to the Kickstarter for his new hedge fund. Please follow the link at the bottom of your screen and give generously.

This was, by any measure, a hard-fought election. There were some who said it couldn't be done. The media. The Coalition. Basically most of Labor. Me, several times. Behind the scenes our campaign even went with the slogan "it can't be done". I'm not sure why we did that.

There's no denying things were looking bad for us since Turnbull took over. And if Julie Bishop hadn't ignited the green wildfire that John Hewson had hidden under most of Sydney in 1994, the results could have been a lot different. Valar morghulis.

But tonight you have spoken with one clear voice and declared that what you really want is a minority Labor government in partnership with the Greens and whatever weird-arse independents slipped through the cracks because they have a name that's confusingly similar to one of the major parties, not to mention a dog's breakfast of a Senate that makes the House look like uniformity personified. We hear you. And we will govern accordingly.

Over the 14 months I hope to serve as your Prime Minister, I promise a new stable Labor. One that no longer engages in the messy public in-fighting Australians are sick of. Instead we're focusing on the messy private in-fighting that Australians like to binge on Netflix.

Look directly into camera, adopt vaguely American accent that is from no identifiable part of the south.

This is all part of the game. Little do they know the butchery has only just begun, and the further up the mountain I climb, the thinner the air. This is the road to power, and it's a road that only a fool would replace with some sort of rail service.

Look back at crowd, resume vaguely Australian accent that is from no identifiable part of anywhere.

And Labor will make this firm promise: a guarantee to keep our commitments!

We will pay down the $74 billion debt we acquired since taking power 20 minutes ago!

We will secure funding the Safe Schools program, ensuring that by 2019 every child in Australia will be indoctrinated in all of the most depraved sexual deviancy you can imagine. And in case you can't imagine it, go rent the Pasolini film Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom . It's basically going to be like that, but less hygienic and with Simon Crean for some reason.

I promise that we will fully fund the CSIRO so they can develop the time travel technology necessary to send Chris Bowen back in time a decade and re-enter parliament under the name "Anthony Albanese." Come on, people, I can't be the only one who sees it. They're like a before and after photo. No? Just me?

I promise all of Labor's 100 positive policies will be implemented, especially the ones you didn't bother reading: a new high-speed tram line between Melbourne and Sydney; the opportunity to have 15 minutes each day without ASIO not monitoring your webcam; updog tax credits for small businesses. Also, roundabouts will now be called circly-gos. See? It pays to read this shit before you vote.

We promise to take steps to transform Australia into the republic it deserves to be! And we will do our best to take those steps in the narrow window between Elizabeth stepping down and William taking over. We know that window is small, but we can do it.

Some say we stole this election unfairly, whether it was through our Medicare scare campaign, or because of our promise to build a submarine building dock in Alice Springs. But this was a contest of ideas, and the idea I had was "I'd really like to be Prime Minister". You made that idea a reality.

Now if you'll excuse me we've all had a long day, and I need to begin gathering allies to depose my successor.

Thank you.

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