Life

Exclusive: Four Incredible Life Hacks to Help You Ace the Coronavirus Outbreak

Wow! These simple tricks will see you through the global pandemic. You won’t believe number three.
Can I Go Outside During Coronavirus?
Photo via Alamy.

Just when you thought life couldn’t get any weirder, 2020 was like, “hold my beer”, right?? Yep, after years lurching from one social and political catastrophe to another, coronavirus turned up with Big Disaster Energy, topping mental health, housing and the climate emergency to hit the top of the crisis charts.

This is the biggest health crisis for a generation. Now that the UK government has announced a three-week lockdown, it’s fair to say that life is going to be a little different for the foreseeable future. We compiled some simple tricks to help you get through the months ahead.

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1) STAY THE FUCK INSIDE

Social distancing absolutely sucks, but you know what also sucks? Spreading a potentially deadly disease for which we have no cure. Get a food delivery, or at least do One Big Shop instead of popping out for bits daily, and hunker down.

On the bright side, the unjust stigma against sitting on your sofa watching TV until your arse is numb has finally gone. Not all heroes wear capes, but this is probably the first time in history that you can be a hero just by sitting in your pants.

Here are the answers to FAQs on whether or not you can go outside unless you really have to: Nope. No, no, no, no, no. No.

I find it helps to imagine I’m going prison for a stretch – it sucks, but there’s nothing you can do about it, and it will end one day. And what’s this? This prison has my bed and my Xbox? Sick!

2) STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME

OK so, yes, fine, you can’t actually stay inside forever without doing some damage to your mental and physical health. You do have to go outside a bit.

If you’re lucky enough to have a garden, go there and count your blessings.

If you don’t have a garden, head to the least busy bit of open space you can find nearby. According to the new guidelines, you can go out once a day for exercise, either alone or with someone you already live with. If you're heading out to grab some necessities like food – which the government advises should be done as infrequently as possible – you should stay at least two metres between yourself and a shop assistant.

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Yep, I know, it’s weird. If you’re struggling to get your head around it, try turning the situation into a little game. Imagine there’s an invisible force field between you, or that you’re being separated by a giant electro-magnet, or pretend that we are living through a global pandemic with the potential to kill millions, and if you go too close to each other, you might infect more people, overwhelming the NHS and possibly causing thousands of others to die.

3) STAY AWAY FROM EVERYONE

This is a public health thing, which means it doesn’t matter if you think you’ll be fine. You don’t get to be a special case who carries on while everyone else is isolating. Nor does anyone else, so if you have any friends who are treating the whole thing as a joke, avoid them like the almost literal plague.

There’s no nice way to say this. We are living in a nightmare, but one that can possibly end a bit less messily if we act now.

4) STAY INSIDE

Quick caveat: Some people are essential workers and nobody should be screaming at them to get back inside. There are also those whose dickhead bosses are forcing them into work, which is really on the bosses. The government hasn't made it so that everyone is able to follow its social-distancing advice yet, which makes this whole thing all the more annoying.

Anyway, here’s a list of things you could do instead of going out and about more than is strictly necessary:

Get extremely obsessed with strategy computer games
If you do this right, you’ll be too busy ruling some ancient civilisation with an iron fist to even notice the most gorgeous day of spring come and go.

Learn a musical instrument
Until you get really good, the only person who derives any enjoyment from hearing you play is you, so knock yourself out.

Get into psychedelics
Just kidding, this is probably a terrible idea when you’re trapped I your flat and the isolation is making your mental health a mess.

Cook things that take hours and hours to cook
This is basically just killing time but in an aspirational way.