The VICE Guide to Right Now

A Company is Selling ‘Virtual Date Breast Enlargements’ for the COVID-Era of Dating

A bit of undershirt padding is being marketed as the solution to all your awkward Zoom dates.
14 May 2020, 5:20am
fake breasts and muscles
Images via Sportarly

Clearly, dating isn’t quite what it used to be. With much of the world still locked away in social isolation, people around the globe are being forced to navigate their dates, catch-ups, and intimate relations through the eye of a webcam. And this, of course, comes with its fair share of difficulties.

Everything’s just a little more awkward on a Zoom call. But a company in the US has found a silver lining—and that is, on a virtual date, you can stuff your shirt with padding to make yourself look as muscled or buxom as you damn well please.

Sports, health and fitness site Sportarly is currently selling something they call “virtual date breast enlargements” and “virtual date muscle suits” for the purposes of live streaming self-enhancement.

“We all know how awkward virtual dates can be,” reads the product description for the breast vest, a harness that clips behind the shoulders like a bra and comes in a range of sizes from 34D to 38F. “Connecting via webcam can be so in your face and naturally, you will want to direct your flirt’s attention anywhere but your messy living room.

“We believe we have found [the] solution. The Virtual Date Breast Enlargements (VDBEs).”

The VDBEs come in a variety of sizes—from 34D to 38F cup size—and range in price accordingly from $46 USD to $66 USD. The “virtual date muscle suit” usually retails at about $45 USD, but is currently on sale for $36 USD, for some reason.

“The Virtual Date Muscle Suit gives you bulging biceps, perfect pecs and washboard abs,” its description reads. “The padded shirt offers that subtle, sexy and seriously shredded look that many of us dream of. Order now and watch your socially distant partner’s jaw hit the floor on your next virtual date.”

Now obviously these ads scream “meaningless internet gimmick," and it’s not entirely clear whether anyone’s actually buying these things to catfish their Skype dates into thinking they’re “well-endowed”. Between them, the breast enlargements and muscle suit have a total of 50 and 34 onsite reviews, respectively—reviews that ricochet between bad jokes and strangely sincere gratitude on the products’ fast delivery.

Whatever the case, these are strange times. Everyone’s looking to reinvent themselves right now, many are leaning into utter absurdity to do it, and in that sense there’s probably never been a better time to sell removable fake breasts on the internet.