This is Why You Should Never Remix Holiday Music

Whether its brostep remixes of "Carol of the Bells" to the hardstyle remix of "Hava Nagila," the answer is NO.

24 December 2014, 9:03pm

Holiday music. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Your perspective on it is probably tied into how shitty of a childhood you had and/or how jaded you are on seasonal cheer in general, but regardless of how much your stepdad loved you, we can all agree on this: The world does not need any more brostep remixes of anything, let alone Christmas music. All the Stretch Armstrongs and Razr Scooters in the world couldn't change that.

We took it upon ourselves to plunge into the seedy underbelly of SoundCloud to find some of the most remarkable (we use that term creatively) remixes of holiday music on the planet. So top up that egg nog, tuck in your ugly sweater, and tell your creepy uncle that you love him (but not like that), because you might be here a while...

5oh!: "Home Alone" (Christmas Dubstep remix)

When Jesus died or Moses parted the seas or whatever supposedly happened all those millenia ago to warrant your days off in December, we can guarantee that a turn-of-the-decade Brosteppian Doctor P-lite remix of "Carol of the Bells" was not their intention.

Rawdog: "Levels" (Christmas remix)

In the pantheon of modern holiday music, there are about two or three good songs total. One of them is Wham!'s "Last Christmas," a late 80's sadboy anthem of love lost amidst gallons of wayward Brylcreem. Here, the vocals are awkwardly wedged on top of the one track that doesn't need to be played again, ever, regardless of the season, Avicii's "Le7els."

DJ Kimax - "Hava Nagila" (DJ Kimax Mash-up)
It's not just Christians at this game. Please enjoy the hardstyle rendition of the Israeli folk classic "Hava Nagila." Nothing more needs to be said.

Major League Wobs: "Sleigh Bells" (Multi-genre Christmas special remix)

0:01 - 0:23: Candy cane rastafaria. This is what Shaggy would listen to at Christmas if he was raised by Smurfs and had a severe developmental disorder
0:38 - 0:48: When Ronnie James Dio opens up GarageBand to "fuck around with electronica," this is what results about six minutes later.
0:48 - 0:55: Sitars, man, like, y'know, The Beatles, man?
0:55 - 1:20: As THUMP's resident drum & bass apologist, I was gonna give it to the kid for even tryin' it. Then the Dutch house whoops kicked in.
1:20 - Close: Post-trappy future bass. Have you noticed the unsubtle interplay between ten different variations on the "Sleigh Bells" melody yet? This probably isn't getting Flume's support.

If the person who made this clusterfuck is, like, 12, then we might have a genuis on our hands in a few years. If he's any older, please refer to the title of this article.

IrateGeniusBeatz: "Nutcracker" (Irate/Yonnick Christmas remix)

Hey, someone call Team Supreme. We've found out what Carmack does on his days off. Y'know, if you nixed the Nutcracker theme from this and handed me about seven grams of weed, I might actually enjoy this.

Martin Garrix - "Animals" (Mashup Unicorn Christmas remix)
I take back everything I've said. This one might actually be an improvement on the original – Namely, in that this version is about three minutes shorter and a certain part of it reminds me of the Benny Hill theme, and that just always makes me smile.

John Lennon - "So This is Christmas" (Sebastian Sas Violence remix)

If one of my more fancypants art-school type friends showed me this recording and told me it was some high-falutin' installation that deconstructed consumerism, religion, and Deadmau5's creative output in one fell swoop, I'd be inclined to believe them, because what exists makes absolutely no sense to me as is.

Diagram of Truth - "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" (Dubstep remix)

Just imagine, you're sittin' around the fire with your family after Christmas dinner. Lil Sally's playing with her new puppy, Tim and Fred followed up last year's announcement of their gaymarriage with this year's announcement of their gaydivorce, and Grandma's recovering well from her cataract surgery while idling at the hearth. And then this tune comes on. And your grandma dies. Christmas dubstep killed your grandma.

Bing Crosby - "White Christmas" (Kaskade remix)
Wait, what? There's a Kaskade remix of this track? We know Kaskade to be dimple-pokingly wholesome at times, so this makes sense, but we weren't expecting a downtempo, lounge-jazz-live-hip-hop version to be lurking around SoundCloud. Hey, you can DL it for free as well. Don't say we never gave you nothin 'for Christmas.

Happy Holidays!