As the saying goes, money doesn't buy taste—nor does it buy a decorator with taste, and never has that been so clear as in this week's celebrity real estate news. Yes, we are talking about the Dr. Phil house.
A Beverly Hills home owned by Dr. Phil McGraw hit the market earlier this week, as reported by the Los Angeles Times. Presumably due to the choices of McGraw's son Jordan, who's been living in the home, it's a lot to take in, having been described on Twitter as: "if the Temple of Doom had a lobby bar," "like NRA lobbyists dropped a bunch of acid and then designed a Cheesecake Factory," and "like Tim Burton designed a Las Vegas penthouse on bath salts." (All of those are accurate.)
Alas, that's not all of it, as the rich basically live to show off their means to us normal people. Also this week, YouTube mainstay and beauty mogul Jeffree Star dropped "New DREAM House Tour," a 36-minute-long flex that currently holds the spot of YouTube's highest trending video, with 13 million views as of this writing. Gone are the days of Star's giant, pink, fingerprint- and retina scan-protected, size-of-my-apartment purse vault—he's moved on to bigger and, well, bigger things.
We could let these displays of wealth get us down. Having more than one closet? Can't relate! Or instead of lamenting our broke asses, we could have a laugh that people with so much money also have... Such. Bad. Taste. Now's the time to remember, for example, that Neiman Marcus sells a $7,100 hot dog couch. So with the power vested in us by virtue of having watched HGTV more than once: Whose mansion is more hellish, Dr. Phil's or Jeffree Star's?
The Basics: Dr. Phil's House
- 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
- Outdoor kitchen
- Pool, spa, and cabana
- A "dramatically remodeled" interior with "eclectic finishes that can be kept or transformed into your own vision," per the listing.
That Doesn't Seem Too Bad, You Might Say
That, dear reader, is where you are wrong. "Eclectic" can mean "kitschy from shopping at the thrift store," or it can "banister made of snakes." What appears from the outside to be a normal California mansion gives way to what feels like the amphetamine-induced shopping spree of someone who at one point had the galaxy brain thought to merge Scarface, the glowing tree in Avatar, varoius aesthetic elements of Anaconda, and a designer who just couldn't say no.
The tackiness continues on, and in this velvet and animal print haze, like a set of deranged "I Spy" images, squint and you'll find: an absurd number of bear-shaped toys including one inexplicably dangling from a giant pair of lips and another seemingly dressed as the Joker; a dining room wall covered with rifles; a print of the word "FUCK" with a pom-pom beneath it; and a TV playing The Godfather, because of course.
Okay, moving on!
The Basics: Jeffree Star's House
According to the video and as broken down by PopBuzz, Star's Hidden Hills mansion includes the following, which can be seen as pros or cons depending on how you feel about the phrase "eat the rich":
- Not one but two (2) guest houses
- 16-car garage
- 13 bathrooms
- A kitchen bigger than some fast food joints
- A wine cellar
- A three-story glass elevator
- A movie theater
- A room for Star's collection of pinball machines
- A two-story gym with a locker room and urinal
- A 5,400 square-foot barn
- A huge outdoor pool that Star will soon turn pink
What's Bad About It?
For all that money (over $14,600,000, per Zillow), Star's house looks a soulless Vegas casino from the Ocean's Eleven series. The vibe is decidedly 90s, but not in a cool, trendy way—it looks like a suburban prom venue. It also looks like a Cheesecake Factory, but without any acid or bath salts to spice it up a little bit. Yawn!
They're both bad! And yet, if we had $5,750,000 burning a hole in our bank accounts, we'd be readying the U-Haul to move into the McGraw mansion—but only if it came furnished as-is. When the world ends and swallows Beverly Hills for all it has wrought, all we can really hope for is a snake-covered banister to hold onto for dear life. In 2020, it's time to accept our one true god: chaos.
This article originally appeared on VICE US.