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Ten Assholes Up for Re-Election in 2012

Lately, everybody has been focusing on the assholes at the top of the ticket, but there are a slew of Republicans and Democrats up for re-election this Novemeber who personify what it means to be a human anal cavity.

by DJ Pangburn
05 September 2012, 7:00pm

In the American political landscape, there is a constant stream of assholes who deal in varying degrees of lies and bullshit. Lately, everybody has been focusing on the assholes at the top of the ticket, Mitt and Barack, but there are a slew of Republicans and Democrats up for re-election this Novemeber who personify what it means to be a human anal cavity.

I've singled out five Republican and five Democratic candidates who are the cream of the buttcrack crop.

Don Young (R-Alaska)

"Alaska's Third Senator" is perhaps most famous for waving a gigantic 18-inch walrus penis bone on the House floor as a prop to indicate his support of native Alaskans' right to cultivate aphrodisiacs from endangered animal organs. Maybe Don really just wanted to perfume himself in walrus cock musk, but we'll probably never know for sure.

On a more serious note, Don voted for the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act in 1999, a bill that many believe helped contribute to the 2007 sub-prime mortgage crisis. And when asked by Sen. John McCain to redirect his pork barrel money to rebuilding New Orleans, Young told the Katrina victims to "kiss my ear."

Classy. Young extracts American taxpayer dollars to the tune of $6.65 for every $1 Alaska pays, but refuses to give up some of his loot to the unfortunate? Don can stick that walrus cock bone straight up the chuff.

Kirsten Gillibrand (D-New York)

To many, Kirsten Gillibrand is a liberal foot soldier. To others in the know, Kirsten profited off of her position in Congress to make money during the housing market collapse, then turned around and led the introduction of the STOCK Act, a bill which prevents members of congress from trading on inside information.

Kirsten's about-face proves FDR's reasoning when he appointed a crook like Joe Kennedy to head the SEC: "It takes one to catch one."

Lamar Smith (R-Texas)

Of all the GOP assholes in this post, Lamar Smith, a Representative of Texas's 21st Congressional District, stands as one of the most powerful. He was the principle architect of SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) and H.R. 1981 (a federal pedophile database), both of which stem from his belief that IP content pirates and pedobears are the gravest threat to American national security. So what if both SOPA and H.R. 1981 could essentially lay the groundwork for an Orwellian state?

SOPA, which unraveled in January, would have blockaded any site hosting pirated content without due process, thereby censoring free speech. Tor Relays, which are instrumental in facilitating anonymous communication for dissidents and whistleblowers, could have been neutered by the bill. H.R. 1981, on the other hand, would have forced ISPs to hold internet user data for at least 12 months. The data retention mandate was later dropped, but with a name like The Protecting Children from Internet Pornographers Act, Lamar made it difficult for legislators to publicly oppose the bill.

No one denies that grown men shouldn't get their rocks off on kiddie porn, or that pirating music and films is theft, but laying down the legal architecture for a real life 1984-style government is a assholish move, to say the least. Somebody send this guy a package of pirated Japanese porn and tell him to chill out.

Joe Biden (D-Vice President)

Yes, Barack is the one running but Joe is still on the ticket. Considering his inability to keep his trap shut, Joe is a jackass of the first order. What sort of public figure claims to have known three presidents "intimately"? Tell us more, Joe. What was it like to have Bill Clinton inside you?

A few weeks ago in Danville, Virginia, Joe adopted a southern drawl, telling the African-American crowd that Mitt's deregulatory policies would "put y'all back in chains." The remark even got many Democrats wondering if Joe had some sort of break with reality. There are far better ways to criticize Mitt's deregulatory policies without invoking slavery.

Nearly four years into Barack's first term, Joe has become a harmless but stupefying joke: the grandfather who delights in stream-of-consciousness flights of fancy and makes those around him wonder if he's simply a performance artist or standing at the gates of senility.

Joe is probably very close to shitting his pants, smelling the rank vapors, and smiling about it.

Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota)

It's a real testament to the collective American psychosis that Michele could ever be considered a political star. Even more surprising is that Tea Party support put her on the GOP primary debate floor.

According to a poll, Michele leads her Democratic challenger Jim Graves 48 to 43 percent, and this is after accusing Huma Abedin (the former wife of Anthony Weiner and Hilary Clinton aide) of being aligned with the Muslim Brotherhood. At the RNC in Tampa, Michele reminded the faithful of her theocratic Christian dream: "We are looking at a spiritual hurricane in our land. And it is time for each one of us to show up and suit up and stand up and realize that in this time and in this day we pour it out for Him."

Pete Stark (D-California)

Pete Stark may be openly atheist and a fan of Charles Darwin, but he sure as hell is a poster child for political Darwinism. Pete's passion regularly short-circuits his reason. Like Joe Biden, he's an ace at placing his foot directly in his mouth.

Pete, whose political profile isn't that big, has long been electorally insulated in his 13th congressional district, but he has currently found himself locked in a tight race because of a constant stream of campaign gaffes.

In July, Pete confused Solyndra with Tesla motors. And earlier this year Pete accused his primary opponent, Eric Swalwell, of taking "hundreds of thousands of bribes," then claimed a reporter bribed Eric. It's no surprise that Stark was passed over for the powerful Ways and Means chairmanship. His Northern California district deserves a better representative.

Todd Akin (R-Missouri)

Todd Akin is to the definition of "rape" what Bill Clinton was to the definition of "is." His observations are, in a word, surreal. But maybe he'd feel differently about the whole thing if he was ever bent over and "legitimately" ass-blasted. Or maybe he'd find solace that, in terms of buttbabies, the body has a way of "shutting that whole thing down."

Harry Reid (D-Nevada)

Harry Reid is a fuckin' idiot, OK? The man occupies the Senate's most powerful position and he's been completely ineffective at communicating a progressive platform. Not only that, he would have probably lost his seat had the GOP voters not decided to nominate the loony, unelectable Sharron Angle to oppose him.

And while everyone knows Mitt Romney pays a criminally low tax rate, Harry very publicly suggested that Mitt hasn't paid taxes at all in ten years. He cited an anonymous source at Bain Capital, who could just as easily have been a figment of his imagination.

Harry deserves other demerits for his lack of testicles in dealing with the increasingly radicalized GOP. As Bill Maher observed several years ago, "Over the last 30-odd years, Democrats have moved to the right and the right has moved into the mental hospital."

Indeed. And Harry has lead the charge.

James Sensenbrenner (R-Wisconsin)

Some researchers have posited that the reason certain religious groups despise swine is because genetically humans and pigs are quite close. And, apparently, pork tastes like human flesh, or so it is said. Mr. Sensenbrenner's porcine figure, flapping joules, and rhetorical bloviations lend credence to this theory.

James, who introduced the Patriot Act into Congress in 2001, walked out of a committee hearing in 2006 when Democrats attempted to question witnesses about the law's abuse. James erupted by hitting the gavel several times, then stood up and exited the room-but not before turning off the lights and microphones.

Jimmy the Pig also crafted a piece of internet regulation known as IPPA (Intellectual Property Protection Act of 2006), which benefitted copyright holders at the expense of fair use, and then suggested that terrorists were selling bootlegged movies to finance their evil plots.

James's great-grandfather invented Kimberly-Clark's Kotex sanitary napkin, so it's a bit odd that James is firmly against women's reproductive rights. Ladies should think twice before sticking that brand of tampon up their holiest of holies, because up until 2010 James still owned stock in the company.

Jan Pauls (D-Kansas State Legislature)

Jan Pauls deserves special recognition for her anti-gay, pro-life stance, which are interesting views for a Democrat to hold. It should be no surprise that Jan is so devout, she lives in an abandoned church.

What makes Jan's re-election campaign particularly interesting is that in the Democratic primary Pauls' opponent was Erich Bishop, a socially liberal, pro-choice gay son of a former Ku Klux Klan member. What sort of fucked up type of Bizarro World are we living in

Erich is proof that the human species can evolve, while Jan proves Christopher Hitchens maxim that "religion ruins everything."

@djpangburn