Life Tips from an Ayatollah

When he was just 14, an Iranian man named Mohammad Sadeq Rohani received his Ijtihad Authority, making him one of the youngest Shia men to ever legally be allowed to think independently about Sharia Law (i.e. the Islamic Word of God). Like all child stars, his priorities seem to have been ever-so-slightly warped. Rohani has banned wanking and chess, but given the Holy thumbs up to reproductive human cloning. Recently, he started using his website to hand out solutions to the sort of problems people like you and I face every day. Problems like, "I rooted someone at a party and realized POST-EVENT that that someone wasn't my wife. Would a child thus produced qualify as a bastard in the eyes of God?"

Ayatollah Rohani soon stepped in to set the record straight. He put the problem in the context of a power cut at a party. Imagine: The electricity's down for fucking hours, so you resort to making your own fun. In the blackout, an opportunistic "naughty" girl poses as your wife. She deceives you into having sex with her. The bitch.

Turns out that since you weren't aware of what had befallen you, all you needed to do was shout at your wife for not being there and thank the Lord that the baby wouldn't be born a bastard. Inspired and awed by this conclusion, we decided to arm you with more of Ayatollah Rohani's solutions should the fabric of your life ever snag on the exposed points of incest, sodomy, masturbation, and/or escaped bees.

VICE: Someone heinously sodomizes someone else. Afterwards, he has his daughter married to him. According the Holiness, is this marriage permissible or unlawful?
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Ayatollah Rohani: It is unlawful for the sodomizer to marry the sister or daughter of the sodomee, but the sodomee is permitted to marry the daughter or sister of the sodomizer.

What's the verdict on the marriage of a father and his son to two sisters?
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It is without a problem!

What is the verdict on a woman riding a bike or a bicycle that leads to lustful excitement in others? Are these acts signs of the reappearance of the 12th Imam?
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A Moslem woman would not and should not do these things with the intention of causing lustful excitement in others. It is unrelated to the reappearance of the 12th Imam, though that itself may be near.

What is the Ayatollah's opinion on a female touching herself to the point of orgasm? Ayatollah Al-Sayyid Mohammad Hussain Fazlullah believes that it is permitted.
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We have some narratives which made a mess of it apparently. I made a mess of it frankly and I have written it in Fegho sadigh.
(Translation: Due to embarrassment about this subject, it continues to be slightly clouded. Women are just going to have to risk it and see if they go blind or not. I have no idea what "Fegho sadigh" is, could be, or was.)

What's the verdict on using honey bees that have escaped from an unknown owner?
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If you're losing hope of finding the owner, seek the permission of a Judge and give the equivalent of their price to charity.

To conclude: The next time you think your life sucks because your future father-in-law sodomized you and your dad is marrying your wife's twin sister, remember that you could be a woman who's just been knocked off her bike by a swarm of bees that heard you'd been masturbating on it through the streets of Qom.

HOMI