This article originally appeared on Noisey UK.
Tidal sure did sweep through the internet like an unstoppable ocean last night. First, the tide came in, and on it surfed the smug faces of all your favorite musical millionaires, as they changed their Twitter profile pictures to electric cyan out of honorable big business solidarity. Then, last night, they—Madonna, Kanye, Beyonce, Jay Z, Daft Punk, Chris Martin, Kanye, Rihanna, and some dick in a mouse hat—staged a conference that will apparently change the music industry, but actually looked like they were mulling over when to just nuke the general public and celebrate with vintage fizz. Then the tide went out again, social media was left to react, and all that could be heard was the sound of a thousand beached thinkpieces gasping for air.
We’ll have to wait to see if this streaming service is any better for anyone who isn’t already rich and famous, because Tidal haven’t actually said how their artist payouts are going to work. All we can formulate our opinions on is what they have given to us, and one of those many things is this quite bizarre and much less publicised promotional video. It's introduced boldly as "Five Things a Man Should Have" was posted in October 2014 before Jay Z got involved, and still sits quite proudly on the Tidal YouTube channel like a bad dream.
It seems, as this video (watch above) so elegantly puts it in words too Patrick Bateman for Patrick Bateman, Tidal was meant for MEN. Why? Because it's everything men like: quality, luxury, elite, exclusive, expensive. Also, as we all know, men have larger, more biologically developed ears—like massive sagging, fleshy satellite dishes hanging from the sides of our large übermensch, world-dominating skulls—and therefore we require the highest forms of lossless audio.
Besides Tidal and a couple a' old fashioneds, that’s not all us men enjoy though. Before even revealing itself as an advert for a music streaming service, the clip takes on the task of breaking down the essence of what it is to be a man, and more importantly, a manly Tidal customer. So, for all my fellow suited and booted dudes of grandeur out there, we finally have our roadmap for living. This is the Tidal guide to being a man:
Don't just leave your mark on life, leave it on embossed company headed paper.
Buy yourself an expensive Swiss watch. Man invented time, the least you could do is pay some attention to it.
Try to be spotted at cafes reading the classical music pages of the New York Times. Espressos are temporary, but class is permanent.
Confidence is key. In the words of Tidal, a man should "enter every room, like you own it."
Men are also responsible for hosting sophisticated parties which women can attend and dance like they're trying to un-wedge a wedgie handsfree.
And of course, man should own Tidal, because man has...
And that, it seems, is all you need to be a man in 2015. Put that Don Draper poster on your toilet door, fill your platinum fountain pen with some squid ink, and relax into high-fidelity audio luxury.
Joe is available for more marketing advice on Twitter.