This article originally appeared on VICE US.
I haven’t bought an issue of Us Weekly in years, but I’m delighted to know that it still has its “Stars—They’re Just Like Us!” feature, which collects long-lens photos of celebrities who are getting takeout or putting quarters in a parking meter or buying cold sore cream. And they do it just like us, the poors!
Media mogul and bread enthusiast Oprah Winfrey made an attempt to appear similarly relatable during an appearance on The Daily Show, and it didn’t totally work. Why? Maybe because this afternoon, she’s probably already made more bank than me and the rest of my high school graduating class will in our entire lives.
Anyway, after doing an interview with host Trevor Noah to promote her latest book, The Path Made Clear, she stuck around to do one of the show’s “Between the Scenes” segments, and to answer exactly two questions from two audience members. But first, Noah asked her whether she, as Oprah, has any normal habits.
“You are Oprah Winfrey,” he said. “You have been very wealthy for a long time, you worked hard to get there. I often wonder how much normalcy is in your life. Like, how many normal random things happen to you?” He asked if her phone has ever run out of battery while she’s in the middle of a call, or whether she’d ever reached for the toilet paper and found only a bare cardboard tube. (The answers, unsurprisingly, were no, and definitely no, because someone checks her TP status after she does her bathroom business, and then that person is responsible for folding the top sheet of octuple-ply (I’m assuming Oprah has the rarest of paper) Cottonelle or whatever into a small triangle.)
“I will tell you some things very normal that you wouldn’t really think,” she said. I travel with my own bread and I bring my own avocados.” OK, cool, cool.
But then she continued. “I have my own avocado orchard,” she added. “I think it’s ridiculous to pay for avocados.” Oprah, what? (“That is not a normal story!” Noah said, because he is all of us right now.)
Imagine being Oprah for a sec. You hate the idea of paying a couple of bucks for avocados, so you buy a parcel of land, and buy some avocado trees, and presumably hire a number of employees to tend to said trees and harvest those avocados. Then those people will turn them over to your personal chef to prepare avocado toast (or any other avocado-based item) whenever you have a craving for healthy fats.
That is every possible goal I have ever had. If I were Oprah, I would be so incensed by the state of the drive-thru at my local McDonald’s that I would buy my own damn McDonald’s. I hate how long it sometimes takes Seamless to deliver my hibachi steak, so I would buy a number of beef cattle, and then I would buy Seamless.
Being Oprah would be amazing, and it’s honestly so far removed from my actual life, that it’s hard to even imagine that kind of existence. I did, however, recently put two quarters in a parking meter, so I guess that’s something.