Five Questions About… Ted Cruz Fav'ing Porn on Twitter

Five Questions… is a series where we ask five questions about something in the news, come on. I mean: come on. It's not that hard to get your head around, is it? Come on. This is not a nuanced concept.

Last night at around 1AM, Texas senator and reformed homicide artist Ted Cruz faved a tweet from the 600,000 follower-plus account, "@SexuallPosts", and he did this because he was horny. Here is the tweet in question. I have to do my due diligence here and say: unless you are in a particularly liberal office environment – and, I mean, I work at VICE and even I'm not gonna watch this in the office, and our office is basically just Action Bronson barging in and yelling "FUCK!" at some sort of complex pork sandwich – this is marked as "not safe for work":

So say, for instance, you cannot currently play back the Ted Cruz-faved jack-off material, I will recount it for you. It is very Ted Cruz porn: the protagonist, a blonde MILF-y type, comes home to a perfect white house, where, in soft focus on a cream sofa behind her, two young hairless people are deeply boning. And instead of being like, "Hey could you… not do that on the cream sofa?" or "Who are you and why are you in my house?" or "I am going to call the police right now," she slowly pulls her skirt off, jams her bra open and starts squirming against a wall like a horny Baloo. It has all the hallmarks of the exact kind of porn you would expect Ted Cruz to consume: a conservatively-dressed, bushy older lady; creeping around corners with the soft padded feet of a clinical killer; relative tameness, in the current porno world of anal gaping and spit-play. What I am saying is: if Ted Cruz jacks off to anything, he would definitely jack off to this.

Yeah, I have some questions:

In my opinion: yeah, he did. He did it. He: did. He's going to try to say he didn't – that the porn fav was some sort of complex error, caused by hacking, or the human error of one of his staff, or better yet Twitter the website malfunctioned, covertly placing a porn tweet in his favs – but yeah, no. Ted Cruz did the wank. He calls it "dipping the queso" and he is crazy for it.

I think there is something in the fact that Ted Cruz faved this tweet on 9/11, a holy day of mourning in the American calendar. I, for example, would struggle to toss one out on Christmas, or even Easter: there is something sacred about those days, something that can be ruined with something as debased and fetid as a late-night mega-wank. Could I jizz on Armistice Day? I'm not sure I could, actually: it would just feel wrong, somehow, disrespectful. But Ted Cruz could, and (as discussed) potentially did. So I suppose my question is: what kind of monster does that make him?

I think in a way it does matter, yes, because Ted Cruz is like the most Christian man alive, and also he has previous been very vocal in shutting down other people's horniness, and so this whole sordid incident suddenly slaps of hypocrisy. Example: in 2007, Ted Cruz went full "anti-wanking advocate", helping to pen a 76-page legal brief to defend a state law that banned the sale of sex toys – or "obscene devices" – with those found guilty of the offence liable for up to two years in jail. Though he stated the proposed law wouldn't stop people using dildos or pocket pussies or whatever in their own homes – "there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one's genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship" – the proposed sales ban would definitely make it harder for Texas natives to do that, if nowhere in the state was allowed to sell sex toys. The law was overturned, but still: Ted Cruz very actively does not want people tossing off. But also he tosses off? Once a year, yes, in a ritualistic prostate-clearing mega-wank, on 9/11. People in glass houses, Ted Cruz, shouldn't have big wanks at 1AM.

Fans of middle-aged dads not knowing you can see their horny Twitter favs will recall with glee that sentient car ashtray Jeremy Clarkson recently fell prey to what we will now be calling "Cruz's Folly" when he faved two consecutive porn tweets when hospitalised last month. "Valuable lesson learned this morning about not leaving your phone unattended when there are drunk people about," he tweeted, after literally everyone noticed it, because that is classically what drunk people do, yes: hop on your phone, find two niche porn tweets from separate accounts and fav them in quick succession, then do absolutely nothing else and give your phone back. Cruz presumably hasn't woken up yet, but his director of communications has already pre-empted his "I was hacked" statement, saying:

(I would pay $50 or the sterling equivalent to anyone who can get me a transcript of the complaint email that got sent to Twitter about this, by the way. "Hi Twitter, yeah, weird one: hackers have got into Ted Cruz's Twitter account and, instead of tweeting anything defamatory or damaging, or swiping at Donald Trump, or anything like that, instead what they did is – at 1AM, the horny hour – faved a porn tweet then logged out again. Can u investigate?????")

(Imagine your job being making excuses for Ted Cruz fav'ing porn)

Crucially, though, there is a Venn diagram of "blokes who think that millennials are soft-cored snowflakes who have invented jobs for themselves and are deathly afraid of hard work" and "lads who don't know how to wank in Incognito Mode", and that diagram is a perfect circle. You would think, wouldn't you, that these old boys would learn from each other's mistakes. You would be wrong about that: 46-year-old men will get publicly called out for their wank favs until the sun burns out of the sky.

Ted Cruz is going to either say his account was compromised or a member of staff with access to the account faved it by accident, and an upper member of his team's management is currently weighing up which intern to ceremonially throw under the bus by firing them over this (imagine getting fired from your job because Ted Cruz got too horny: unthinkable). But here's what I think really happened: Ted Cruz was watching porn on his phone and then tried to zoom. And instead, him double-tapping on the video marked it as a fav. And then, spent and exhausted, he fell into blissful sleep, unaware of the waves unfolding away from him. Arguably this is the most significant world stage wank in all of history. People will lose jobs over this Ted Cruz wank. Can you even imagine how embarrassed he is going to be when his wife wakes up. The man is going to cringe so hard he's going to fold in half. Ted Cruz – when he wakes up this morning – might well be the first human in history to directly die of shame.

@joelgolby

More from this series:

The Tinder Poo Window Incident

The Guy Who Stabbed Himself and Blamed it On Antifa

Big Ben Girl