How Tiny Acts Get On the Glastonbury Bill

Wednesday marked the opening of Glastonbury 2017, the largest green field festival in the world, and for five days of sweltering summer heat, the UK's 46th largest settlement. But while most people are there to see the big dogs – The Jacksons, Radiohead, Solange – what about all the weird shit in the small print? Do you ever scroll down the line-up and see Ketchup Jamie and The Dab Twins and think, 'How the hell did they get booked?' You're probably a better DJ than them, right? Where's your free ticket?

With that in mind, I asked a bunch of the bands lower down the bill to find out what it takes to get booked for the biggest festival in the world.

VICE: Hey Thrill Collins. What's your deal?
Thrill Collins: Well, we formed by accident. I was due to play in a band one evening but the singer pulled out because he had a "bad eye", so me and my friend filled in and played half an hour of complete nonsense.

So how did you get booked at Glasto?
It's year number four for us, but originally I think we were just picked up from a jazz festival. People would see that we have a double bass and book us for proper highbrow jazz gigs without realising they'd get three guys doing acoustic UK garage mash-ups.

What are you looking forward to on Worthy Farm?
Mainly just the bits in between stages when we're walking around doing impromptu gigs. It's great, because it's acoustic, we can just bust out our instruments wherever and start playing.
All our songs are always a medley. We'll be playing and the drummer will nudge my leg and say, "'I Believe I Can Fly' by R-Kelly fits into this," and so I'll start singing that.

What's the story behind Formidable Vegetable Sound System?
FVSS: The concept came out of my burning desire to get principles of sustainability out of the hippie-sphere and into the mainstream. It's a way for normal people to learn about the looming effects of climate change and various other economic and social problems.

Sounds like some pretty serious stuff
It does, but it all started because a friend challenged me to write a song about permaculture on my ukulele, which sounded to me at the time like the worst genre of music anyone could ever write. But, against all odds, the song turned out sounding OK, so we produced an album. Next thing we knew we were being invited to play at Glastonbury.

That's great. What are you looking forward to most?
You're probably going to think I'm a nutcase… the thing I'm most looking forward to – apart from playing shows – is relaxing after my morning cuppa on one of the 1,300 new Natural Event composting toilets they've just installed.

I imagine your shit is very eco-friendly.
Seriously, though, they've managed to turn what was once the worst part of the festival into something quite enjoyable. Last time there was even a premium service called "Pootopia", where they pampered you on exit and DJ'ed funky tunes into the cubicles while you did your business.

How does a neon electro-instrumentalist end up playing Glastonbury?
Vicky O'Neon: I applied to a Greenpeace project to perform here and I got a place that way, so I'm really excited. It's my second Glastonbury. What I do mainly is percussive stuff – a lot of it inspired by Latin drumming. I went travelling around South America and got a lot of influence that way. All the colours, it helped with my neon performances. I'm going to be involving the crowd, getting them to put on neon face paint, and I'm even doing a vegetable instrument making workshop.

Are you aware of Formidable Vegetable Sound System?
I'm actually going to go on stage with them and play my cucumber trumpet and carrot flute.

Anything you're looking forward to most?
I'm really looking forward to doing my own performance. I didn't want things to be too static, so I've got sensors on my tits and hips that are linked to drum samples. I have a snare on one tit and a clap on the other, as well as a kick drum on my hip.

Hey man so what's the story behind Peterpan Complex?
Peterpan Complex: Well, we formed 15 years ago. We started with a more Britpop style; now we're more electronic

How did you get booked at Glasto?
Well, we had this guy Malcolm message us on Facebook two years ago, but we missed it. Since then we played in Liverpool twice and he was at the gig and got in touch again.

What can we expect from Peterpan Complex this weekend?
We're not going for a serious show – like, you see a lot of electronic bands showing off, but I'll just be doing synths, guitar and visuals.

Thanks.

@patrickbenjam

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