Being an Armchair Vigilante Sucks

A few weeks ago I was raging with Orwellian discontent at Internet Eyes' new scheme to get you ratting out shoplifters online for cash. Well, after I wrote that article I decided to sign up and find out just how much money a couch potato narc can make.

Unfortunately, all five CCTV feeds you're asked to man are pointed at pic n' mix aisles in Devon, a county that wasn't known for an abundance of shoplifters even before its overall crime drop of 6.2% last year. Not to be Mickey Mercenary or anything, but where's the incentive to get in on this crypto-fascist spy game if you're not even likely to recoup your £1.99 monthly subscription fee?

In fairness, if you are watching the feeds and do happen to spot something illicit going on, you're just a button push away from a potential £1,000 reward—not exactly a working wage, but enough to fund another three and a half years of armchair vigilantism, or 3,571 fingers of caramel and chocolate.

Before you start tearing the ribs from your chest in excitement however, be aware that the camera feeds are often horrendously shitty quality. Most are so out of focus you can't make out whether would be crims are pocketing bean tins or fingering the person standing next to them. I also had one camera that was overlooking a photobooth. I'm not sure if you can scam a photobooth, but I guess people will try. I thought perhaps the shop owner was hoping a couple of hot girls would jump in and start posing like in that Aerosmith video where Steve fetishizes his daughter.

Tony Morgan (right), Internet Eyes' evil overlord

At some points during my month long stand against petty crime, I couldn't help but think that perhaps Internet Eyes creator Tony Morgan had me paying to look at old, recycled footage set to loop. At one point I swear I was watching a feed from Woolworths, which I'm pretty sure went bust two years ago.

There could be some fun to be had if you were able to wantonly hammer at the alert button and send the shop owner running for his cricket bat every five minutes, but the Internet Eyes system limits you to just a handful of alerts per month. While decreasing the chances of guffawing 13-year-olds wasting time, you can't help but wonder if this might be a bad idea.

Imagine, there's a smash of glass, then the shopkeeper's wailing as the baggy skin on his skull crumples beneath the butt of a robber's machete. His gray thatch torn and blood-spattered, and his attackers still there, laughing and thirsty. As he falls quietly to the earth for the last time, he shakes one severed fist ruefully up at the lens. He knew you were watching and you were helpless, because last week you got bored and started hitting the red button at random. Tosser.

BUTCH VIAGRA