Look, I know the deal: you high-brow mfs don't read Noisey to learn about boy bands and tween pop stars, who despite all of their off-putting desperation and averageness are nevertheless destined for complete and total World Domination. I get it.
But I've got an agenda. I'm doing you a goddamned favour. Four months from now you'll be stuck in your Grandma's living room with your ten year old nieces and nephews and they'll be screaming the lyrics to one of these songs and you're gonna look like a freakin dinosaur for asking "What is that, One Direction? Any of you kids ever heard of Placebo? Now that was a boy band..."
Those little fuckers will tear you to pieces. You'll be Christmas Lunch, my friend. And I'm not gonna let that happen. So sit down, shut up, and listen.
This is New District, the world's newest boy band. This testorone-filled, eyebrow-furrowing, ripped-knee-jean-wearing lil fivesome formed some time last year, and like all great things in history, came to be thanks to a talent sourcing agency called ISINA.
In January, they released their very first single "Closer"—after a slew of YouTube videos of them covering a bunch of songs that seemed nothing if not inappropriate and haphazardly-selected. "Closer" is the perfect example of how powerful teenage lust is. This song isn't particularly good, the video is, frankly, ridiculous, but this has 2.3 million views. It became radio play.
Now, before you get to dragging the video for looking like something out 1999—when boy bands danced in formation and were consistently trying to prove how freakin' futuristic they were for some goddamned reason—I'll have you know that New District's favourite boyband are N*Sync. Let's just watch this video because we can:
"Man, I'm tired a singin'!" #LOL
Anyway. Last week New District released their second single "Ain't Got Money." Look, I'll be honest: I have watched the video for this song so many times, trying to find things to joke about (there are many) but now I've fucked myself. I've heard it so many times that I was singing it outloud while I cooked dinner last night. In my home. So there you go. This is how they do it.
Because as we all know, a song being actually good doesn't mean shit in the world of teenaged boys in bands. You see, tweens and teenagers decide whether or not the band is good, which they always are because there are boys and they have eyes and hair and they look into the lense which is like having them look directly at you. And it hurts in the chest. Please see "Baby" (oh my god look how little he is!) or "That's What Makes You Beautiful." Nobody saw these videos (except maybe Simon and Usher) and thought to themselves, "yeah, these guys are gonna be a household name."
But here we are.
Sure, the lyrics to "Ain't Got Money" are mental—how can a person be wrapped around your arm, Devin?—but no matter what anybody does it will definitely end up on the radio and New District will definitely become the next One Direction. Which they are very clearly trying to do.
Besides, the lads have been quoted as saying that they want to be bigger than The Beatles. So there you go.
Let's get to know New District, because we've come this far and neither of us have anything better to do.
First up is Sean. Sean is the one who looks exactly like Yeah Yeah from The Sandlot Kids. Sean went solo from the band like JT and Zayn did except that he did it before New District ever existed… Very post-modern, Sean.
Sean seems to be the one that their fans like the most. He also seems to be the most polite and wears the most plaid. This makes him the Harry of the group.
Jaden is the baby and the blonde of New District. This makes him the Niall. Jaden is German—not like, his parents are German, but like he is actually German and moved to L.A. to become a pop star and be in ND. He was on a kid’s TV show in Germany called The Peppercorns, but got an online following for his YouNow and Musical.ly videos. They're really weird and I don't get them. Probably because I'm 27 and these days that's like being 45.
Jaden likes to dance. He is... okay at it.
Dylan is from Texas. According to my sources, Dylan is afraid of giraffes and rubber bands. And if this video is anything to go by, the rest of the band hates Dylan. This makes him the Yoko.
Dylan fancies himself a bit of a Bad Boy. Here is him covering Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again." Here is him singing “Earned It,” by The Weeknd. It’s really weird because he’s sixteen and this song is about BDSM or some shit isn’t it?
Aaaand here is all of them singing it. Who let this happen?
Devin is from Brooklyn, and as far as we can tell he is the shy, sweet one. If I’m being honest I’ve gotta say, Devin is, just, not eighteen. Devin is at least 23. Devin needs to be in the band because he can actually sing and isn't a total twat.
Julian is New District's new member. Which is honestly so goddamn strange because they’ve only been a thing for like a year. Julian was on The Voice for kids in Germany.
Before Julian there was some guy called Felix in the group but I do not know anything about him except that he left the group due to “visa issues.” He was also from Germany. I don't understand, is this some kind of peace treaty between the countries? Obama, wyd? You cheeky dog. I love it.
Here is a video of everyone being weird about Julian replacing Felix:
Can someone make sure Felix is okay? I'm worried that he's like, back home in Germany, sitting in the corner of his room with all the lights off, listening to Julian's Voice audition on like, full volume, and screaming while his mother bangs on the door, begging him to let her in.
Anyway. Here is a truly excruciating Facebook live video that New District posted the other day:
New drinking game: do a shot every time Dylan tries to put a hand in his pocket.
Here is New District covering Shawn Mendes, while trapped in the desert:
And here is the video that will either get you over the line, helping you accept ND in your life, or send you over the edge, forcing you to flip your desk and grab a co-worker by the collar, screaming "What are we doing on this God-forsaken planet!!!!" into their terrified face. Enjoy!
Follow Issy Beech on Twitter if you hate yourself enough.