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Sex

Don’t Let Woolies’ Vibrator Ban Ruin Your Buzz

Your local Woolworths is no longer a sex-shop, but that doesn't mean you can't still get off with the Fresh Food People.

by Toby McCasker
04 October 2013, 4:49am

Image via
 

Australia’s female reproductive organs had a big win recently when supermarket giant Woolworths had Durex brand vibrators for sale in almost 900 of their stores. Not surprisingly this got the rad Jesus legends at Family Voice Australia thinking about the children again. The group called for a nationwide boycott, and the power of Christ compelled Woolies to remove the offending pleasure-givers from their shelves. But while that may seem like a massive bummer (or a vagina-er?) all is not lost. “5 hours of quivering pleasure” can still be purchased at your local supermarket, it just takes some lateral thinking.

Slimline can

I have been reliably informed that these slimline cans represent something known as “perfect girth.” While your traditional 375ml Coke is simply too much can for one clam, these guys stretch the sides juuuust right. If you’re wondering why someone would tell me that, I live in Sydney and that’s what people talk about here. Off topic: lots of pretty okay stuff starts with V, have you noticed that? 

Anti-perspirant

If you ever go to the bathroom stuff aisle with a girl you will see their eyes light up with Mr. Sparkle excitement. At first I thought they just love bathrooms. The truth is sexier. Almost everything in this entire section is a super reliable dick replacement, some even promising no white marks. Several brands of ladies’ anti-perspirant must totally be aware of this MacGyver marital aid underground. Their packaging couldn’t make their true intentions any clearer.

Sunscreen

Now I’m feeling morally compromised, the strange guilt induced by using a chode-shaped product specifically designed to safeguard the health of children to fuck yourself with is very Marquis de Badass.

A long thing with pink latex fingers at the end

Everyone’s always like, cooking is sexy, and a man in the kitchen is sexy, and the wide range of phallic vegetables in your crisper are sexy. If you’re sexing in the kitchen not utilising this thing you’re not doing it right. 

Squirtin' shower

The picture and name say it better than I ever could. 


Follow Toby on Twitter: @jane_tobes

For more vibrators:

How Do You Vibe?

The Lipstick Vibrator, Crossing The Line, And Big Deal

Fucking Hysterical: A TImeline Of Vintage Vibrators

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