Are You Getting Any? How Being Agender Affects My Sex Life

Ryan is attracted to men, women and "also everyone in between."

by Nana Baah; photos by Ezekiel
04 September 2019, 2:03am

All photos by Ezekiel.

Welcome to Are You Getting Any? A column that asks a generation rumoured not to fuck if they in fact fuck.

RYAN, 23

Quality of sex overall: 7/10
Frequency of sex: 9/10
Intimacy levels: 7/10
How do you feel generally about the people you fuck: 8/10
How happy are you with the amount of time you have for sex: 6/10

VICE: Hi Ryan! So when was the last time you had sex?
Ryan: Two days ago.

Do you have sex as often as your friends do?
Based on their opinion of me, I definitely have sex more than most of my friends.

What is their opinion of you? Are they ever judgemental?
No, because I never let them be. I’m very quick to say, “This is how I live my life, if you don’t want to live yours in the same way then cool.” No one can tear down my life because I’m enjoying it.

ryan ayga
Twenty-three-year-old Ryan is bisexual.

What do you think of the British Medical Journal research? Is social media to blame for us all shagging less?
It could be. You have to put so much effort into your online presence as a lot of people are just caricatures of themselves. But for me, it isn’t true. Maybe I’m just lazy with social media. I don’t post often, but if I’ve taken a picture I’ll stick it on Instagram. Social media isn’t my whole life though.

Are you meeting most of the people you sleep with offline then?
Well, the last person was a barista in a coffee shop I went to. I got talking to her, then we exchanged numbers and met up.

Is approaching someone in person easy for you?
I was going to say that it is, but it’s not. Although I am quite good at talking and I’ve always taken pride in that. If people can’t talk to each other, then what’s left?

How do you usually do it?
If you can subtly hint that you’re interested in them and you have some idea of what the signals would be back, then you should be alright. I have no problem saying, “Hey, I think you’re really attractive. Would you like to grab a drink some time?’ I’ve never had a problem with it because I have no shame. [Laughs]

How do you define your sexuality?
I always say I’m bisexual, rather than pansexual because my understanding of the difference between the two is that bisexuality has a preference, where as pansexuality doesn’t.

So, women are your preference, but you’re attracted to men too?
Well, I’m agender, so I don’t have the best view of men and masculinity to begin with. I’m attracted to five men at most in the right light. But I’m attracted to every woman who has ever lived ever and also everyone in between. So that’s my idea of it, but that’s probably because of social conditioning.

ryan ayga
Ryan says they're glad that they were socialised by women.

What sort of social conditioning?
School wasn’t great, men tended to pick on me because they thought I was effeminate, so I kind of steered clear of men in general. Then I hung out with more women and then was accidentally socialised by women, which is quite cool.

How has having been friends with mainly women influenced your sex life?
Religiously, I will not let myself finish until the other person has at least twice, if it’s a woman. I mean, I haven’t had sex with any men because I’m abjectly terrified of them.

Why are you terrified of men?
I’m used to women, I’m not going to say I know what they like because it makes me sound like some sort of oracle. But going to gay bars is great, if a guy comes up to me and wants to kiss me, I definitely will. But I haven’t slept with anyone I’ve met that way. At a club, we’re both probably drunk and if I’m going to have a blowjob off a guy, I want to remember it because it sounds lovely.

So it’s not that you’re actively avoiding it, it’s more the situation hasn’t been right?
It’s exactly that. I even ended up in bed with a woman after Pride. On the one day a year where it should have happened, I still screwed it up. [Laughs.] They would need to have the same mentality towards sex that I do. You know, I want them to know that sex is not a brutal massacre. It should be fucking intimate and if it isn’t, then you’re fucking people wrong.

So, to go back, what’s the thinking behind your two orgasm minimum?
Women go through enough shit, they deserve a break. [Laughs.]

How would you improve your sex life if you could?
I’m a big fan of my sex life. I’m happy with frequency and the people I sleep with because most of them are my friends.

How does sleeping with your friends usually work out?
If I have a friend and I haven’t had sex with them, I can just sort of judge, whether having sex with them will it make it weird.

ryan ayga

Has it ever ruined a friendship?
Oh god yeah, that was when I was shit at reading signals before.

What happened?
Lack of communication. I pushed it too far and they didn’t feel comfortable saying, "Let’s not." It made them feel shit and I felt slimy after, but they definitely felt worse about it. That made me see that I definitely needed to get better at communicating.

Is sex a big part of your life?
I wouldn’t say it’s important, I could live without it. It’s an added bonus, like the chocolate sprinkles on an ice cream. It’s not the be all end all of everything and it shouldn’t be. I’ve been in a relationship with an asexual person before and it was good.

Well, that’s good.
I’d only slept with a handful of people at the time. Now that I drink and smoke, I’ve got all these social mechanisms that make it easier to meet people. But being in a relationship with an asexual person was fine. I’m not dating the person for their genitalia but because I think that they’re a nice person!

Thanks Ryan.

@nanasbaah / @ezekielarchive

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This article originally appeared on VICE UK.

Are You Getting Any?