Put This Schoolies T-Shirt In the Louvre

The fake news media would have you believe today's teens are dull, smartphone-addicted little introverts who don't drink, smoke, or have sex. Wrong! I am here to tell you that, at least in South Australia, the kids are alright. And by "alright", I mean just as cooked as those who came before them.

Adelaide public high school Unley High has drawn the ire of Channel Nine after parents started complaining about a Year Twelve schoolies T-shirt design featuring three timeworn symbols of misspent youth: a Nike shoey, a gatorade bong, and a goon bag. The artwork, drawn in loving and skilful detail, is accompanied by the slogan "UNLEY ARMY: THE DRUNKEST AND THE HIGHEST". There's no reason to think the artist is exaggerating with this claim, which is presumably a riff on the school's official motto: "The Utmost For The Highest". Around 60 of these t-shirts were reportedly produced.

Researching this story, several characters emerge:

First, the concerned parents who complained to the school board. "[Unley High] is supposed to be one of the best public high schools in the state—one of Australia's most premium—and it is being linked to a T-shirt advocating to get as drunk and stoned as possible? It is absolutely appalling," one outraged mother told the Adelaide Advertiser.

While the gatorade bong doesn't exactly scream "premium", light googling suggests the mother's claim is correct. Unley High's Wikipedia page reveals that the school is one of the oldest in Adelaide and counts former Prime Minister Julia Gillard among its many prestigious alumni.

For more cool teenagers, check in with Australia's queer teen formal.

Due to the number of orders they receive, Print Locker Custom T-shirts in Adelaide was unable to confirm whether or not they'd printed the Unley Army shirts when speaking to The Advertiser. Director Melissa Trewella did however observe that South Australian high school students love getting on the piss.

"[All the t-shirts] have that kind of thing on them, every single one of them. They are always about getting blind," she said. Her comments gained a dark 2017 edge when she told the newspaper that she wouldn't censor any student design "unless it's swastikas or something".

Unley High's principal, too, has been forced to weigh in. She's released a statement expressing "extreme disappointment" in the "inappropriate" design. "While the school does not have oversight over Schoolies, we encourage students participating in any out of school celebrations to consider their personal safety and appropriate standards of behaviour. We will also work with parents to address any concerns," the statement reads.
TL;DR, Brenda is largely chill with the t-shirts and isn't going to punish a bunch of stressed out 17-year-olds for having some underage fun on InDesign.

Good luck with your exams, kids.

Follow Kat on Twitter