When was the last time you saw your best mate? Last night? Last month? Either way, you already know itâs good to talk to them. But if youâre a cis man too, the last conversation you had with your best male friend may have covered familiar ground. Music. New films. What so-and-so is up to now. And then⊠well, see you next time, mate, nice one. Because thereâs an unspoken connection between friends, isnât there, and all too often meeting up is about reinforcing that, rather than exploring new ground. Thatâs why a best mate is a best mate; they know everything about you, and you about them. But if thatâs the case, why is was it reported last May that 11 percent of 1,200 men in Britain, surveyed as part of a Spotlight on Men month, said they felt lonely on a daily basis? And that 35 percent of the men surveyed said being lonely made them feel depressed?
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CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) wants to change this. Over the past few years, the charity has been offering professional support for anyone going through a rough patch and trying to get people to open up in the process. Now theyâre upping the ante with a new campaign called the #BestManProject. Put simply, the idea is that you neednât wait until your mateâs wedding to be their best man. Rather than finally telling them how much you appreciate them in your speech, then never touching on it again for the rest of your lives, we should all make an effort to talk openly more often, and in doing so we might help each other live with the ups and downs life sends our way. âMen are allowed to be honest and generous with their friendships once and only once in their lifetimes; when theyâre somebodyâs best man,â Simon Gunning, CALM CEO says to me. âBut if we talk more often we might be able to head off those terrible statistics that we talk about all the time.âPeople like Prince William and Rio Ferdinand have joined the campaign, but for our purposes one of its most vocal advocates is 23-year-old south London rapper Loyle Carner. He sat down opposite his best mate, Tommo, to answer a few increasingly intimate questions on-camera about their friendship for the charityâs âBest Man project,â The pair are one of several took part, including British comedian Humza Arshad with his friend Dhanny and radio host Ronan Kemp with his friend Charlie. So weâre premiering Loyle and Tommoâs video now, to amplify the conversations men â and straight cis men in particular â need to be having about their feelings with the people they trust.
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When CALM asked if Loyle wanted to be part of the project, he didnât hesitate. âCALM is a charity Iâve known about for a long time,â Loyle tells me over the phone. âThey did something when I was at school. Boys in my class had all been through some bleak shit, and we sat down and started talking about it and wrote this short play. I thought that was really important.â But while Loyle has been talking about his mental health since his school days, this isnât the case for a lot of others. Itâs well publicised that men donât talk as openly about their mental health as much as women do. The stats paint a pretty shocking picture:25 percent of us in Britain will suffer a mental health problem at sometime in our life, and in 2016 men were more than three times more likely than women to die as a result of suicide. Though everyone's case is different and unique, you could conclude that we often struggle to open up, even when at crisis point. And by then, in many cases, itâs already gotten too much.âLoads of things stop guys talking,â says Loyle. âPeople are caught up in certain ideas of masculinity. In the parts of London where I grew up, there werenât many male role models doing something positive. So as a teenager, you might have a lot of responsibility; you might be the man of the house, looking after your family. And when you have to be strong for everyone else, itâs seen as a weakness to be upset.â
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The takeaway, he says, is letting men know that being able to talk to someone and feeling comfortable doing so may not be an easy thing, but it is half the battle. And once you do start talking, itâs hard to stop. Naturally, rap music offered some guidance for Loyle. âCommon is my favourite rapper of all time. He says that when youâre being weak youâre really being strong because youâre opening yourself up to real pain.âSounds simple, right? But the reality, of course, is that not everyone has a best friend, parent, neighbour, colleague they can speak to. For the most part, weâre living more solitary lives than ever. As well as that, a symptom of depression can be a sense of worthlessness, which can in turn discourage a person from approaching others. You may have mates, but why would they want to hang out with you? And so you retreat, and as a result it becomes harder and harder to talk. But itâs important to try and brush that aside: do it anyway. It could be as simple as a text to whoever your closest friend might be â even if you wouldnât class them as a best pal â saying âHey mate, howâs it going. I feel a bit weird today. Have you got a minute?â Loyle advises the same thing: âTalk whenever you feel comfortable. You donât want to feel like youâre under scrutiny. Go to the pub, go to their house, talk while youâre watching the football. Get a coffee. Go where thereâs something else to do if you get embarrassed.â
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And, always remember that while you might be strong enough to open up, your friend might not have experienced this themselves or have the same emotional strength to offer constructive support. All this means is that youâve just spoken to the wrong person. âItâs very discouraging if you pluck up the courage to say âIâm feeling like thisâ and the person says âSorry mate, I donât understand,ââ says Loyle. âWhatâs important there is finding someone else to talk to, you donât have to find just one person to talk to! Everyoneâs been through different things. If you have a father then chat to them. Speak to a teacher at school who you look up to.âBasically, as daunting as it sounds, itâs important to get that first conversation out the way, then keep talking and talking. And CALM is there to help with that. âIf people sign up to the #BestManProject, weâll enter into a relationship and give on-going support,â explains Simon. âWe want to normalise conversations about how youâre feeling, and the campaign should never end. We donât want to dwell on the horror of male suicide, we want to offer a solution. Depression affects men and women, so letâs start shining light into darkness and start celebrating being a bloke whether youâre Loyle Carner, Grayson Perry or the bloke that comes to fix the fridge.ââWe need to accept that every man cries,â Loyle adds. âWe get our hearts broken, these things do happen, and they do affect you. Accept that over time bad shit will happen and itâs OK to be upset about it.â So next time you see your friends, know you can talk about something real for a bit, before turning to the usual topics. You might just save your life, and theirs. And thatâs not only worth talking about, but shouting about too.CALM is a charity dedicated to preventing male suicide, the single biggest killer of men in the UK. The charityâs free, confidential and anonymous UK helpline (0800 58 58 58) and webchat are open every day, from 5PM to midnight. If you need support, or know someone that might, more information is available here. You can sign up to the Best Man project here.You can find Tom on Twitter.