Oh boy, it's the Noisey Power Rankings, that wonderfully judgmental time of the week where we take a look back at this week's music news and determine who was #blessed and who was a real loser jabroni. Mostly, we just review various foods and dogs though so let's get to it...
Lil Jon goes down this week after the President of the United States Mariah Careyed him at a press conference in his answer to a question about how racist he is, saying, “I don’t know who Little John is, I really don’t.” Obviously he knows who Lil John is. He was on The Celebrity Apprentice, the President’s most touted achievement outside getting a beer baby on the Supreme Court. So Lil John goes down for the national snub. Wait, actually, maybe getting I don’t know himed by the President is a good thing. OK, on second thought, Lil Jon goes up. YEEEAAH!
Spice Girls member Mel B (a.k.a. Scary Spice) goes down this week after the group appeared on a radio show and told a story about how Baby Spice puked in her mouth once. As Baby Spice remembers it: “We were in America, we’d gone out for some drinks, and we were on our way home in the car and I did feel very ill because I’d eaten something weird and had a few drinks.” She then leaned out the window and yaked and all the vom blew back into the car, hitting Mel B right in the mouth. Here, let Dee and Mac reenact this for you with a jar of piss:
It’s actually sort of impressive that Alex Jones can still find room below him to fall even farther down. Here’s a clip of him doing… something… on Infowars. This is what it would look like if you left someone alone in a fallout shelter for three years and then finally opened the door to check on them.
The eternal battle between God and science has manifested this week in the form of this street brawl between Spider-man and Jesus. Fuck him up, Peter.
The Dude from Coheed & Cambria
The dude from Coheed & Cambria goes down for finally buzzing off the sides of those Troy Polamalu locks. Now he just looks like a guy who manages a vape kiosk at the mall.
A Florida man (of course) who police say was “probably high on something” broke into an alligator farm after dark and dove into a lagoon filled with crocodiles, wearing only his boxers and a pair of Crocs. How did the Crocs fend against the crocs? Not well! The dude got bit on the foot and bled out before somehow getting himself to a hospital. Man, and we thought last week’s Post Malone Crocs were the worst things that could happen to Crocs. We stand corrected but at least we can stand. Crocs (the animal) go up but Crocs (the "footwear") go down.
Normally, we here at Noisey fucking looooove Ice-T and treat his tweets as gospel, but he's never eaten a bagel???? Not once??? There was never an early morning shoot for SVU where catering provided bagels for breakfast? Are you serious? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT.
The Chainsmokers announced they’ll be making a movie based on their song, “Paris,” which is about a couple who goes to Paris and… well, that’s pretty much it. They go to Paris. Wow, glad someone was able to nab the rights to that wholly original idea before it got away! We would humbly like to suggest another movie idea: A person who commits a crime. Call us, big-time Hollywood producers!
“Mo Bamba” has had some ups and downs over the last few weeks but we’re proud to announce that this marching band rendition puts it back on top!
Activist Deray goes up for finally taking off his trademark vest. Usually we don’t like change—we’re still mad about Alex Trebek shaving his mustache—but we support this. He has very nice clavicle structure!
Golden Retrievers go up this week after this one tried to steal a smaller dog. Now, before you get mad at this beautiful boy for dognapping, please bear in mind that retrieving things is literally in his breed’s name.
Not only did New York's only red borough flip blue to elect Max Rose as Congressman over the Trump-loving Dan Donovan, but last night at our event celebrating the 25th anniversary of Wu-Tang Clan's iconic Enter the 36 Chambers, RZA announced that the Island would be dedicating a day to the group. We fully welcome Wu Day on Staten Island as a well deserved celebration of the borough's most accomplished artists. It's much more worthy than their Tottenville Resident Who Was In The Background Of That Episode Of The Sopranos Where Tony Accidentally Sets Valentina's Kimono On Fire Day.
And finally, we cannot stop thinking about this. So now you must see it too. Try to unsee it. It's impastable.
This article originally appeared on Noisey US.