Things I Learned About Pleasing a Woman from Legendary Porn Star Nina Hartley

​I have no idea how to please a woman. Hell, I can hardly please myself. But, by God, I want to. Desperately. And so, in the interest of ​expanding my sexual horizons while not looking like a total fucking amateur (pun intended), I did what any sensible person would do—I took a night class at the Learning Annex (OK, the LA Gay & Lesbian Center) on eating pussy, taught by pussy eating expert Nina Hartley.

When I purchased a ticket for "Cunning Cunnilingus," the hour-and-a-half crash course in gash, I was promised that Hartley, a "sex educator, author, porn icon and registered nurse," would show me "how to please [my] favorite vulvas with her signature wit and wisdom!" I have yet to find a favorite vulva other than my own, but I'm confident time and prayer will bring one to me. I need to be prepared when that fateful day arrives, hence the class.

My uniform for the evening—brown suede Clarks, faded jeans, a blue sweatshirt with cat hair on it—made me look like a lesbian suited up to work down in the pussy eating coalmines. To get motivated, I listened to Pulp on the way ther— if anyone knows how to eat pussy, I thought, it's Jarvis Cocker. He would be my shaman on this fantastic voyage.

Forever an academic overachiever, I arrived at the class egregiously early. Only two other people were punctual—a nondescript looking white guy in a backwards baseball cap (don't want that brim gettin' in the way of that trim, bro!) and a female free spirit with tattoos as ornate and colorful as they were meaningless. No eye contact between us was exchanged, which seemed wholly appropriate given the circumstances that led us there.

The room in which we were about to matriculate was not—by any stretch of the imagination—sexy, save the presence of bags filled with condoms and dental dams sitting on each chair. A man to my right, who vaguely resembled the actor Gary Cole, opened his bag and examined its contents in great detail.

The free spirit made a fast friend—both eagerly sat in the front row with a "first day of school" level of enthusiasm. Her new pal, who wore a scrunchie around her wrist, talked about the PhD she was working on. Looks like we have a fucking academic here… emphasis on fucking! I thought to myself. I'm incorrigible. Who wouldn't want to get eaten out by me?

Two very young, very minx-like women came in; a raccoon tail dangled from the brunette's tight jeans. The blonde gushed about how "starstruck!" she was in the presence of Hartley. Gary Cole lecherously leered at them then made eye contact with me and winked. A shiver ran down my spine. They were so young, they took notes in glitter pen. I, on the other hand, was using a motel ballpoint on a tattered spiral bound book leftover from college.

To start, Hartley asked the class who liked having sex with women. Inexplicably, not everyone raised their hands. She told the class she got into porn because "that's where the naked ladies were," and described how hard it was to find a woman in the outside world willing to fuck her. If she has trouble finding chicks, I thought, I'm screwed.​

FUN FACT I LEARNED: Women normally can't come when they're drunk. Guess I've never come, then!

After a brief anatomy lesson, she brought out a labia puppet to demonstrate proper licking and fingering techniques. As she spoke, she absentmindedly stroked the puppet, much to the delight of the two creeps flanking me. She expressed disappointment over being unable to demonstrate the techniques she was outlining on herself; the shared disappointment amongst the more lascivious members of the class was palpable.

Struggling to keep up with her rapid-fire delivery, I found myself furiously writing absurd notes like "Squeeze between vulva and leg, trap clit between lips," "Try to pull clit up with finger, like chopsticks—pull lips over" and "Bottom of tongue on bottom of clit—suction. Use whole of tongue, meaty part, not tip." I was so intent on taking notes, in fact, I missed much of the physical demonstrations. I, however, was in the minority; most other attendees just stared, some with mouths agape, at the striking Ms. Hartley as she stroked her puppet and talked about how much she adored vulvas. ("People ask me, why are you good at eating pussy? Because I love them.")

FUN FACT I LEARNED: After four weeks gestation, the clitoris starts to develop. Choose life!

FUN FACT I LEARNED: The shaft of the clit, apparently, is much like a string on a bass. I've always been a mediocre bass player at best. But damnit, I have heart.

Looking back at my notes triggers little recollection of the lesson. They're almost as indecipherable as the previous notes in the book, written for a sociology course I took years ago (example: "Cube: foundation is thought system [i.e. victim, etc.]"). I was, it seems, too focused on documenting the information I was hearing than absorbing it, ultimately to my detriment. But that's always been my problem in non-pussy eating related fields, so why should this be any different? The uninspired diagrams I drew, thank God, were actually useful after the fact.

FUN FACT I LEARNED: Kegels are "the vulva's way of talking to you." The more you do, the better being fingered feels. Stronger muscles equal stronger orgasms. Get it tight, get it right!

At all of Hartley's revelations, up to and including how hard it was for her to have an orgasm (Gasp! We have so much in common!), Gary Cole sighed and uncomfortably shifted in his chair. The bald guy to my left, who had shown up late and pushed his way next to me, moaned. Out loud. Shamelessly. At times, I found it difficult to concentrate on the lesson, my mind filled instead of contempt for the schmucks surrounding me. Why couldn't everyone in the class be a scrunchie owner working on their PhD in fuck therapy?

FUN FACT I LEARNED: If you're going on a date, you should masturbate beforehand in order to be "relaxed and chill."

After a detailed description of how to finger a chick but good, (with two fingers, hook and pull on the PC muscle—the more low pitch a noise she's making, the better you're doing) Hartley told the class she doesn't perform oral while penetrating a gal, instead preferring to stand above her and "have a conversation." Ugh, typical woman—always yapping! I'm trying to watch the game over here, and she won't shut up while fingering her sidepiece!

FUN FACT I LEARNED: If you end up fisting someone, make sure to keep your thumb on the outside. Trust me.

In spite of the fact that my notes left much to be desired, I still exited the class with infinitely more confidence in my ability to, at some undetermined point in the future, make a woman at least tolerate being fucked by me. And anyway, it's not a race. Everyone else in the class, sans the excitable young women, was decidedly older. If they haven't figured it out by now, time, at least, is on my side.

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