This 26-Year Old Muslim Has Been Documenting His Transition on YouTube

Jamal Siddiqui began saving money for his transition when he was 18 years old. He had been diagnosed with gender dysphoria after living in discomfort for years. Siddiqui wanted to “save some bucks, go abroad and then get a surgery done.”

Everyone around him was transphobic. His family. His friends. Siddiqui dropped out of CU Shah College in Ahmedabad after one and a half years. He left home, unable to stand the tana, and taunts, “I could no longer take it”. He took up a job teaching children. “I wanted to collect money for surgery (he later went to complete his graduation, via distance, from Kuempu University in Karnataka).

“Every night I used to pray that either I wake up as a man or I don’t wake up at all,” he said. His personality underwent a change too, Siddiqui turned quieter than before. He saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depression.

His faith also weakened.

His psychiatrist diagnosed him with gender dysphoria. He then began seeing an endocrinologist who recommended various medical tests and prescribed steroids. He left the school job and went on to work at a call center in Delhi.

The process of transitioning wasn’t easy. “I was working at a call center at that time—in April 2015—and hormone injections were so painful that I couldn’t sit.” Within three months, Siddiqui stopped.

“It was devastating. I was battling dysphoria. I had this chance to transition and it wasn’t working out for me. It was too much pain.” Siddiqui believed that the hospital wasn’t injecting him correctly or perhaps his body wasn’t ready. “I had all this money saved. At some point I also felt like completing suicide.”

Despite the trauma, he told us, “I am always hopeful that better deals are coming. I didn’t give up.” So he decided to try again, two years later in February 2017, he began documenting his transition on YouTube. “I wanted to keep a record for myself.”

On March 15, he posted his first video. He had just started hormone therapy, “I really don’t see change much (sic) right now,” he said in the video.

“I had seen a few [transpeople] from the US and UK on YouTube talking about their transition. I wanted to do the same in India,” he explained. “So many transmen are invisibilised. Through these videos I want to talk about struggles, expectations, fears of transitioning.

His YouTube channel named after him, has nine videos. He keeps the tone light and happy. In one video, he talks about how a chemist injected estrogen instead of testosterone and his surprise when he started menstruating the next day. In another, he talks about completing one year on testosterone.

“For me,” he says, “transitioning is not just about surgery. It is about changes, fears, acceptance and everything else.”

In this video, he talks about the body and the changes that it goes through. He says, “I think we should talk about pain too.”

Here, Siddiqui is in his sixth month of transition. He tells his viewers about his beard growth and changes in his voice and how people acknowledge him now.

This is the video he made after being on testosterone for one year and two months. “I have seen many changes over the past year. I have changed my name, gender on documents, I got new job as a male.”

His faith, which had at one point evaporated, returned. He said he had internalised the incorrect interpretation of Islam.

Siddiqui has over 300 subscribers as of now. His videos haven’t quite caught on in popularity but the comments seem to indicate that there are users cheering him on. Comments suchs as, “So happy that you didn't bothered about our Indian society and followed your heart.. there will be many people who'll humiliate you n make fun of you, just don't care about them. you know who u r so live your life how you want. all that matters is you! all the best for your journey.. I hope you get a bright future…!! god bless you! ” make him happy, he said.

After posting the first video, Siddiqui says many wrote to him with questions, concerns. “How to start transitioning? When to start hormone therapy?” It’s what prompted him to make the second video.

“Transitioning has given me confidence. I am able to concentrate on my life rather than dwell on dysphoria. I feel hopeful.”

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