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AI Predicted the Future of Porn Searches and We Can't Stop Laughing

Apparently the next big thing in porn has something to do with "doot sex," "tang pong," and "big blomjobs."

by Drew Schwartz
06 March 2018, 9:09pm

Screengrab via YouPorn

Artificial intelligence has given us some pretty remarkable innovations, making strides in everything from treating dementia to lie detection to fighting terrorism. But just like our flawed, human craniums, sometimes robot brains fall a bit short of utter genius and just wind up making something weird as all hell.

Take the AI over at YouPorn, for instance, which the company used to guess "what users will be searching for this year"—or in other, slightly more exciting words, predicted what the porn of the future might look like. The recurring neural network tried its best to tell us something meaningful about where we're headed when it comes to getting off, but wound up with a list of mostly unintelligible porn genres that sound like something out of a Tim and Eric sketch.

Image via YouPorn

Some of these are a little too obvious to merit explanation—it's no surprise Black Panther made its way into the mix, and most of us are still recovering from Canada's ice dancing routine. You can probably guess what a "grandjob" is, and "German Mom Hour" likely involves exactly what it sounds like—but others aren't so clear. What, for instance, is a "blowmowjob?" Some kind of chore-related genre, perhaps, where a disturbingly young-looking neighborhood boy blows leaves, mows the lawn—thereby finishing the "job"—and then bangs whoever hired him for the day?

How about "doot sex?" Maybe it's just regular sex, but instead of talking dirty, the two people boning pretend to be robots and holler "doot!" at each other the whole time. "Wow" might be another auditory-focused genre, which ostensibly has something to do with Owen Wilson.

As vaguely disturbing as "spray and pay," "cock milking table," and "fompilition" sound, the most horrifying prediction here is probably "Senator Stormy"—she's great and all, but dear God. Please don't make us explain why that's a terrible idea.

Perhaps the strongest entries on YouPorn's list are the ones that don't make a lick of sense. Take your best guess at what "batish my yisel," "hardbore yore," and "cornal" mean—the genres will forever remain a mystery to us lowly, non-cosmic-brained humans. So sure, YouPorn's robotronic genius might not be all that great at coming up with porn genres—but maybe the AI just needs to be repurposed. At least half of these would make for killer band names. Who wouldn't go see a "Mature Gargasm" show, especially if "Beaf Buts Compilation" is opening?

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Related: Examining Our Fear of Artificial Intelligence

This article originally appeared on VICE US.

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