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Australian Prisoners Talk About Their Secret Porn Collections

"Mia Khalifa is a jail favourite. Everyone wants Mia Khalifa videos."

by Mahmood Fazal
19 July 2018, 5:48am

Illustration by Ashley Goodall

The most sought-after but prohibited item in Australian prisons is a USB loaded with HD porn. Once the screws have finished the rounds and locked down the prisoners for the night, inmates burn their time watching Mia Khalifa on smuggled USBs. Obviously some inmates do drugs, but everyone obsessively wants porn.

USBs are banned in prisons across Australia because the technology is too difficult to screen. Despite this, my friends in jail watch more porn than anyone I know. Or at least, they're less shy talking about it.

“I’ve worked out the perfect ratio cuz,” an inmate recently whispered to me in the visiting centre of a Victorian prison. “If you have a 16GB or 32GB drive, you load it with a quarter of porn, quarter of UFC, and the rest movies.” He paused to adjust something in his crutch. “Finding the right selector is the hard part and the boys are willing to pay big bucks for someone who can make the right selections.”

Intrigued, I asked a few more of the guys about their favourite pornos. They were happy to talk, but on the strict condition that I didn't ask about how they got their USBs in the first place. And actually, this was fine, as I'd already covered the topic in another article.

Kor / 23 / Aggravated Burglary

VICE: Hey Kor, what was your first experience of porn in prison?
Kor: The boys were telling me to make sure I don’t watch it until an hour after the guards locked us in. I was real paranoid. When I looked in the drive and played the first clip, it was an old lady, swear to god man, around 80 years old going down on some other wrinkly old lady man. I was shocked, I thought, “what the fuck these boys in to?” Then, I click into another clip and it’s a gay orgy, the blokes were pissing on each other and that. There were hundred of clips on this fucking drive man, I went through each one. One by one. And it felt like they were getting worse and worse. There would be videos of hot girls and then they would shit on each other. Who the fuck, in their right mind, would watch that? Where are these people? What do they do during the day? Too many hours in an office will drive you mad, but brother seriously, girls shitting on each other?


The next day, as soon as I came out of my cell, everyone was pissing themselves. Everyone knew man. It was cooked. I was dirty as. And you wouldn’t believe it. These cunts gave me another USB full of the same shit the next night man, who was going to the trouble to smuggle this shit in just to mess with people? This is how bored we are in jail man.

What was the alternative?
The Australian Open. The women's tennis man. Or whatever memories you got in your head. Run through every girl you’ve slept with. You really have to think deep, what you did that day, where you took her, what she was wearing. Jail is good for sharpening your memories. So when shit comes to shit, you got your memories to keep you company, especially if you like me and do alright with the ladies.

Did you eventually get your hands on some porn?
Yeah, they felt sorry for me after about a week. One of the boys in the unit gave me a drive full of all these gym chicks. They would be working out and getting chat-up by their personal trainers. Man, I love girls in gym gear. There were some clips of Mia Khalifa, who is an obvious jail favourite. Everyone wants Mia Khalifa videos. She’s probably the most famous one.

Lorenzo / 38 / Trafficking

Hey Lorenzo, what’s your favourite porn category?
I’m old school, buddy. I take what I can get. I like watching orgies because you get more than you bargained for. You can watch them over and over. And you’ll see new things. The way different blokes get involved. The way the girls give their attention. The way she gives herself up to the pack. The way the pack makes her their queen.

Did you ever have orgies on the outside?
Once, yeah. I payed an escort to go with me. Because you can’t go on your own. That’s how bad I wanted to experience it. I think it would be better with mates, you know. With strangers, it feels cold. You’re not into it as hard. It’s like going to a big brothel and everything's out in the open and everyone’s got more manners. I fucked a woman from behind right next to a massive swimming pool, and her husband put his hand on my shoulder. It was weird because I didn’t know the bloke. He was nodding. And I was like “fuck off mate, you’re making me go soft.” While I was giving it to his missus. First and last time. But I love watching the videos.

Have you ever witnessed any orgies in prison?
It’s the ice mate, it makes some of these blokes turn into bad cats. You see groups of them the next morning limping around the yard. No one talks but everyone knows. Especially in the dog [protection inmates] jails. There’s some big names in here that will groom some of the younger guys. They feel like tough kids hanging around the big boys until they get moved into their cell and played with all night. It’s a horror show. Sometimes the boys end up enjoying it and turn gay. You can swap your buy-ups and Nikes for a root. A lot of junkies. It’s sad. They can’t afford USB’s or get them in. They’re all fucked on the chicken [buprenorphine].

Jakey / 25 / Aggravated Burglary

Hey Jakey what’s your favourite porn?
My favourite porn is anything with the really fake plastic chicks. I like the pumped up lips and fake tits and all that. Heaps of plastic surgery like the strippers mate. They’re like perfection mate. I’m into bodybuilding, if they want to work on themselves like that why the fuck not? Jasmine Jae is my girl. I’ve spent a lot of hours in here with her. She reminds me of my ex. She was a stripper from Kittens. And a real piece of work. Real nasty thing in bed. When they’re in the corporate clothes, in stockings and that. That’s perfect for me. Bad girl with a corporate job. I have low-key been trying to get my girl to up her botox and lips to look more like Jasmine. It hasn’t worked. But she does wear formal gear to the visits and it rocks my fucking world.

Have you ever been caught?
A mate gave us a puff [smoke of methamphetamine] from his globe [light globe] last year and I was flying and had to get off. I was jacking to a video and some of the boys knew, so they told the other boys in the unit that I was giving out puffs in my cell. I wasn’t watching Jasmine that day I cheated on her with Jenna Jameson. It was a real old video too. So when the boys ran in, I felt like the biggest goose in the world. I was watching the start, so the story was going on and I was just getting into it, standing up and just acting like the bloke. It was fucked because when they walked in I was standing up cooked off my head with my pants down while Jenna Jameson was pretending to nurse a bloke that could have been the age of her son.

Do you make requests or does your source on the outside decide what to put on the USBs?
Before I fell in love with Jasmine, he would load on all the usuals. Mainly, My Friend’s Hot Mom and other shit with hot soccer mums and MILFs. I like bigger women who aren’t shy to tell me what they want and tell me what to do. I like women with British accents. I was watching heaps of MILF Hunter, old school shit, because one of the boys had the entire collection and it was mad watching him pick-up and manoeuvre girls back to his joint. My favourite episode out of those was with Deauxma. That one is off its tits.

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