The VICE Guide to Right Now

This Guy Allegedly Shoplifted by Putting Steaks in His Colostomy Bag

It's such a bad idea, one can't help but wonder if he just wanted to put steaks in his colostomy bag.

by Mike Pearl
12 August 2015, 5:30pm

Mug shot via Spartanburg County Sheriff's

Mug shot via Spartanburg County Sheriff's

Looking for in-depth coverage of medical science?

A Treatment for Alzheimer's Might Lie in the Brains of Hibernating Bears

The Cyclists Crowdfunding a Medical Cannabis Trial

New Research Offers a Bleak Perspective on Algorithmic Medicine

A guy named David Hoyt in South Carolina's Spartan County got arrested Tuesday for allegedly swiping some ribeye steaks by putting them in his colostomy bag, according to a detailed police report obtained by The Smoking Gun.

The report says the staff at the local Food Lion told the arresting officer that the alleged perpetrator had hidden $75 worth of meat in a canvas bag, and then walked out. The canvas bag theory seemed to be confirmed by surveillance footage. However, later, while the officer was Mirandizing Hoyt, Hoyt's girlfriend told another officer that, the canvas bag was actually a colostomy bag.

This is a colostomy bag, in case you need a refresher:

Illustration via Cancer Research UK / Wikimedia Commons

If, for whatever reason, your doctor finds it medically necessary for you to not try to poop through your butt, your intestines get fed through a "stoma"—a port on the skin of your abdomen—and into a bag. That means the bag fills up with poop. Some can be emptied through an opening used for drainage. But despite Hoyt's theft stratagem, the standard opening doesn't appear large enough to fit steaks through.

The report transitions from the moment the arresting officer learned that "Mr. Hoyt had taken meat from Food Lion by putting it in his colostomy bag," to the next sentence: "I arrested Mr. Hoyt without further incident." Further incident was probably called for. There could have at least been a brief interrogation about methodology, and, even more importantly: Did Hoyt intend to eat the steaks?

Still, despite there being simpler ways for Hoyt to pull of his heist—maybe just putting the ribeyes in his underwear?—it shows evidence that a refreshing new attitude about a colostomy bags is catching on. We saw this last year when British model Bethany Townshend proved that photos of sexy ladies in bathing suits can still go viral, even if a poop receptacle is visible.

Hoyt's version of colostomy bag acceptance is a little less public. It's like he's saying, Well the steaks are going to end up in this bag one way or another.

Follow Mike Pearl on Twitter.