The 1990 holiday classic Home Alone introduced the world to a wholesome American family from the Chicago area called the McCallisters. This big, loving (though often forgetful) Midwestern family warmed the hearts of millions. But as the 90s faded off into the glow of a post-Y2K world, so too did our connection to the McCallisters. Sure, audiences got to catch up with them in the sequel, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, and the subsequent three films which we refuse to acknowledge as canon. But lately, we here at Noisey have been wondering: What happened to the McCallisters and Home Alone’s supporting characters after the mid-90s?
Now, we recognize that we’re no Christopher Columbus (the filmmaker, not the 15th century pillager), but we’ve spent a few hours taking speculative guesses on the characters’ respective futures based on what we know about them. Below is what we at Noisey believe happened to the characters from Home Alone.
Peter, the patriarch of the McCallister family, seemed like a kind man and a good dad. He was so nice and unassuming, in fact, that we all looked the other way on a number of things we should have been more suspicious about. Like, for example, what did he do for a living that he was able afford the mortgage on the family’s giant, beautifully decorated house? How was he wealthy enough to pay for a large family’s trip to France on the most expensive travel day of the year? And how was he always picking up the tab for family dinners—in cash? Well, it turns out, Peter was involved in some pretty heavy insider trading scams. His company defrauded nearly 1,800 investors, and he was eventually charged with nine federal crimes, including wire fraud, investment advisor fraud, money laundering, racketeering, and public urination (that one was unrelated to his Ponzi scheme). When he was arrested, the Chicago Tribune referred to him as the “Madoff of the Midwest.” In fact, so addicted to getting away with white-collar crimes was he that he paid Harry and Marv to rob his house so that he could collect the payout on a high-end insurance policy he had conveniently taken out just before Thanksgiving.
Kate McCallister is a ferociously loyal mother who would do anything to protect her children, especially Kevin. But after her husband’s Ponzi scheme tumbled, the family’s assets were seized and their bank accounts were frozen, and she was faced with some difficult choices. Without disrespecting her dignity by going into the details, suffice it to say, she did what she had to do to get by for her family. She was at the end of her rope until one day someone took a video of her calling out a man who was exposing himself on the subway. The video went viral and the internet set up a GoFundMe account in her name. Donations started pouring in. Eventually, an editor at HarperCollins offered her a book deal. Kate’s memoir, Home Sweet Alone, became a New York Times bestseller after she went on Ellen to tell her story and dab with Michelle Obama.
Buzz, the troublemaker of the McCallister clan, made a habit of wrapping his Playboys up in a newspaper to hide them from his parents. One day after jacking it to the Playmate of the Month in the December 1986 issue, he noticed the paper had a story about the Wet Bandits, and how they’d almost gotten away with looting his entire neighborhood. Reading the men described as “career criminals” unlocked something up in Buzz’s brain—crime… as a career path? After that, Buzz began stealing. It started out small—bikes and skateboards—but eventually he got hooked up with the mob and started running jobs for them, lifting cement trucks and robbing several tons of heating oil. A local mobster named Bobby Batts informed Buzz that he had to take the fall for some made men. Buzz is now serving five to seven years in a correctional facility with no chance of parole.
As seen in Home Alone, Fuller was the cute little runt of the litter in the McCallister family. A little eccentric, sure, but still endearingly adorable. Well, Fuller’s cuteness melted away in high school and college, revealing the creepy loner that had manifested underneath. After four years at his data entry job, Fuller’s coworkers looked for a file on his computer one day when he was at home with the flu and found several photos of his female coworkers in the office bathroom. He got fired and quickly became a Men’s Rights Activist. He is a proud incel and listens to Jordan Peterson’s podcast religiously.
Prison life broke up the duo known as The Wet Bandits. Marv served his time in West Virginia while Harry was transferred up north. Harry fell in with the Aryan Brotherhood in prison and got an SS tattoo on his hand, partly to fit in but partly to cover up the M he had branded on his palm from the McCallister house’s hot doorknob. Unbeknownst to his fellow white supremacists, he started funneling drugs into prison through the Mexican cartel and selling them to the fellow whites. When his gang found out, they paid a guard to leave his post for five minutes. Once Harry was alone he got shived 61 times and thrown off the prison balcony. He landed on the concrete floor and died there.
No longer dependent on his partner in crime Harry, Marv thrived in prison. He converted to Islam and got a job in the prison library, where he studied and got his GED by mail. He got early parole and as part of his work release program, Marv gave talks to troubled teens and told them to stay clear of criminal behavior, often pointing at the scars on his face and saying, “This one right here, this was from a hot iron, and this one was from a paint can. For a long time, I blamed a little boy for these. But you know who really did this to my face? It was me, Marv.” He became an upstanding citizen and was even recognized with a community service award from the mayor. After 30 years of marriage and sending two sons to college, he slipped on some black ice walking home from his grandson’s birthday party and went into a coma. While his doctors say Marv is completely catatonic, family members swear that when they jingle some holiday bells near his bed, they can see his lips faintly smile.
The Old Man Next Door
Kevin once feared the old man next door, and it wasn’t until meeting him in person that he realized he’s just a sweet, misunderstood grandfather. When the old man passed away, the entire neighborhood was saddened to hear of the loss of their beloved watcher. However, when the old man’s house was cleaned out, everyone was shocked to learn that the skeletons of several boys were discovered buried in the backyard. He had dug the shallow graves with his trusty shovel. Additionally, in his desk drawer, police found photos of every child in the neighborhood along with a sheet of paper on which he had handwritten a bunch of names below the words “A List of Kids I’m Definitely Planning on Murdering.” Truly, Kevin was right to be skeptical of him, and society will be better off when it learns it’s better off judging books by their covers.
After Peter McCallister went to prison, the McCallisters’ once enviable suburban Illinois house became the property of the First National Bank of Chicago and the uninhabited grounds quickly began to deteriorate. With no groundskeepers tending it, the lawn and shrubbery became unkempt and turned brown. Local teens began to break inside via the same window Marv climbed in before stepping on Christmas ornaments, and the house became the go-to spot on the block for underage drinking and sex. The inside became covered with graffiti, with tags reading DIE MCCALLISTER SCUM.
Kevin made headlines for sending the same two criminals to prison in two different states and became something of a national phenomenon. Kids everywhere began quoting his catchphrases like “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal” and mimicking the face he made while applying aftershave. His face appeared on t-shirts and tacky merchandise. At the height of his fame, he was friends with high-profile celebrities like Michael Jackson. After a while, the pressure forced him to retreat from the spotlight and seek a normal life. He developed a pretty bad drug habit and in 2004 he was arrested for possession of 17.3 grams of marijuana and a number of controlled substances. He pleaded guilty and received three one-year suspended prison sentences. In 2013, he started a pizza-themed Velvet Underground tribute band.
As Noisey once proved beyond a shadow of a doubt, Elvis is absolutely, most definitely, 100-mother-fucking-percent in the movie Home Alone. Mr. Presley is 83 years old, and is still quietly active in Hollywood, having made several uncredited appearances in many beloved movies.
This article originally appeared on Noisey US.