Hey Ron! - Should I Sell My Piss and Dirty Panties?

Hey Ron,

I am a full-time stylist in a resort town in Arizona. We are right in the middle of our slow season. Money is tough and my bills are the same as they would be during our busy season. While brainstorming about how to score some extra income, a friend told me about a girl she knows who sells her worn panties and pee to weirdos over the internet. She was probably joking but all I could think of was how effortlessly I pee. Why the hell not make money off of it? I’ve tried to weigh the pros and cons, but I couldn’t really come up with anything too terrible about having some old man that I don’t know smell my pee, or do whatever pervy guys do with that stuff. You seem like you’ve got it pretty together, is there something wrong with selling my urine and underwear? 

Sincerely,
Golden Shannon

Hey Golden Shannon,

When I get questions like this from young women, the first thing I think about is how I would feel if my daughter was in the same boat as the inquirer. If I found out my little girl was doing this I’d probably be doing five to ten, because I’d kill her. If she needs money, she should come to me before she helps a bunch of pee-drinking perverts get off. But I’m from the hood, so I realize not everybody has a loved one who would or even could offer them help in tight financial times. We’re in a recession, for crying out loud. Times are hard and everybody has to have a hustle, even if that hustle involves urine-soaked dirty drawers.

In reality, there isn’t that much of a difference between selling lemonade and selling urine. In fact, with all the weird fetishes out there these days, there are probably as many guys who can bust a nut over a freshly squeezed glass of lemonade as there are dudes who would love to pull a reverse R. Kelly. Truthfully, people sell much worse stuff than pee and don’t even think twice about it. If it’s OK to flip nasty fat-butt burgers at McDonald’s to obese food addicts, it should be cool to slang some g-strings every now and again.

What we should be asking is, who are these guys who want your urine? That’s more weird to me, but maybe that is because I’m too young. You have to be pretty old and depraved to get off on some stale underwear. I used to take girls’ underwear back in the day, but it wasn’t to sniff it or nothing like that. It was just to show the homies proof that I got the skins. You might be with a girl and she would go into the bathroom to freshen up and you’d run to her dresser and grab a clean pair. Then you’d hold it out the window so people on the street could see you were about to get it in. I would NEVER do that kind of thing today. I don’t want some woman’s undergarments cluttering up my home. That kind of thing would get me in trouble with the next lady coming through. I always tell the kids not to be slick, but if you’re going to do that, don’t keep any evidence.

Depending on how much money we’re talking here, I might even be down to jump on this underwear hustle myself. I mean, say some old geezer wanted to pay me two million dollars for a pair of dirty drawers from my hamper—I would personally hand deliver those joints with my name written on them. Back in the day, when I was your age, my threshold for that kind of thing would’ve been even lower. I bet I would have slung my underwear for like $100. One hundred dollars was a lot of money in those days, you could cop a pair of sneakers and still have money to go out and kick it. But I don’t think I would ever pee in a cup for an old man, not that there is nothing wrong with that. I just think urine is on another level because my piss has my DNA in it. And I like to keep my essence under lock and key. But seriously girl, you’ve got to do you. Maybe this urine and undies thing is a first class ticket to the Living Large Express. By all means, sell your panties and buy something nice like one of those flat-screen TVs or put a payment down on your student loans. Just don't put a return address on the pee and panties package.

Ron is VICE's accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Even your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and antisocial thoughts don't surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions to HeyRon@vice.com or tweet them to @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets their question answered will receive their very own Hey Ron! t-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.

Previously - Why Can't We Have Anything Nice?

Our Associate Editor Harry Cheadle actually did sell his underwear. Check out what happened: 

The Sad Saga of Selling My Skivvies