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The Worst Campaign Merchandise You Could Have Bought on Cyber Monday

If you needed more evidence that campaign merchandise is generally terrible and dumb, look no further than the Jeb! Bush "Guaca Bowle."

Welcome to Netiquette 101, in which we use cyber-case studies to teach you basic but valuable cyber-lessons in how to be a better cyber-citizen. Today, we talk the terrible crap that presidential candidates were trying to sell you on Cyber Monday.

Greetings, fellow netheads! Yesterday was Cyber Monday, which is the internet equivalent of the famed Black Friday, the annual shopping holiday that, over the years, has morphed into an extended commerce extravaganza in which big-box retailers and e-commerce sites slash prices in an attempt to get consumers to spend as much money as their credit cards will allow, both online and in what we in "the biz" like to call "IRL."

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Rest assured, I have cybersex every Monday, so every Monday is "Cyber Monday" for me. But for the rest of you, it seems like it was a pretty big deal: online sales from yesterday are expected to top $3 billion. Even before the fateful day, it was revealed that Americans spent more money online than they did in stores over this Black Friday weekend. Hell, both Target and PayPal went dark yesterday due to the unfathomable influx of web traffic.

Still, if you looked around the ol' World Wide, you could find a few Cyber Monday deals that were worth your clicks. Many presidential candidates, for instance, offered discounts that shocked and awed scores of online shopping enthusiasts (I don't actually know if these people exist, or if anyone has bought campaign merchandise ever, but for the sake of this piece, let's assume they do).

Take Florida Senator and Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio, who celebrated Cyber Monday by lowering prices on campaign merch, making shipping free, and throwing in a free window decal with every purchase. This meant you could buy what I like to call the "Marco Rubio Dad Joke Pack," comprised of a "Freedom of Espresso" mug, a "Water Great Nation" water bottle, the "Marco Polo," and the "Let Freedom Ring" cell phone case, all for the low, low price of $155. When you look at the sheer number of shitty puns in Rubio's webstore, you realize that despite his campaign's aching desire to make voters believe otherwise, Marco Rubio is the least cool dude in the universe.

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A Jeb! guacamole bowl! Image courtesy of Jeb2016.com

Of course, you could also have moseyed on over to Jeb!'s campaign site, where the other Floridian was offering all merch at 20 percent off. That means you would have gotten deep, deep discounts on a "Jeb! Impotence Starter Kit," including a hooded sweatshirt that Jeb! doesn't know how to put on, a mason jar (because, as the product description explains, "every drink tastes better in a cute mason jar."), an apron, and a goddamn $75 guacamole bowl [Note: My colleague Mike Pearl points out that another Jeb Bush "Guaca Bowle" is also available on Amazon for $12].

If for some unfathomable reason you'd wanted all of this useless shit, on Cyber Monday, you could have owned a whole heap of useless stuff for a mere $145. Now, because you failed to act, all of this Jeb! swag will cost you $182.

On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton offered what amounts to a pretty shitty Cyber Monday sale—free shipping on all orders of $75 or more. Then again, Clinton's merch is kind of sweet, in a "Flash Sale at Urban Outfitters" way. Or at least it's the least embarrassing of all the crap political campaigns would like to sell you (The Ted Cruz ugly Xmas sweater notwithstanding). There's this five-panel cap that is very "Justin Bieber concert" (in a good way), a wool cap that's very "J. Crew outlet" (in a less good way), a "Grillary Clinton" spatula, and an embroidered pillow that says "A woman's place is in the White House." They're even selling a bandana for your dog.

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It's not all good though—her campaign is also hawking "YAAAAS HILLARY" t-shirts, and, uh, this:

Donald Trump and Ben Carson, the improbable leaders of the GOP's 2016 pack, apparently opted not to hold Cyber Monday sales. Then again, when you're Ben Carson and your campaign is selling stuff like Lands' End v-necks, branded scrubs (?), and cat collars (??) with your name on it, that stuff sells itself, y'know?

As for Trump, his "Make America Great Again" hats have become the must-have campaign accessory of this batshit election cycle. Between the inherent popularity of his merchandise (both among honest-to-God Republicans and people buying the hats to make fun of Trump), and the fact that his campaign isn't lacking for money, Trump has no need for Cyber Monday. Plus, campaign merchandise is generally terrible and dumb, so the less attention candidates draw to it with online sales and free shipping, the better off we'll all be.

Follow Drew Millard on Twitter.