There are basically three solid options for smuggling drugs into a festival or a nightclub: deep in your sock, somewhere in your bra, or betwixt your anus and your genitals. These are your options, these are your choices. Yes, there is some fun – some experimentation – to be had with inside pockets or coat linings; maybe you can do something creative with a chewing gum wrapper; perhaps you can sneak them in inside your inhaler. But that's about it. Those are pretty much the tools at your disposal.
You never – and let's be very clear about this, because I think it's really important – you never need to slather your pills in Vegemite and cling-film them to your dick. Okay? Never.
Obviously the reason I'm issuing that oddly specific piece of advice is because somebody, last weekend, did exactly that. According to police patrolling Listen Out festival in Victoria, a man was arrested after dogs detected MDMA pills wrapped around his penis, which he had "smothered" in Vegemite. Trying to bury them in a tube of Pringles, or even hollowing out a pineapple, just wasn't enough was it, mate? You had to go one step further didn't you? You had to get the Vegemite out.
I am struggling to think of a more rank and rancid image than that of the Vegemite-covered penis. It is truly squalid: the phallus, lumpen, dripping with tar-like spread, the bumps of every pill hidden behind the plastic skin. And the smell, as he tells his mates to wipe them off with a bit of tissue, or just "down it with some vodka so you can't taste it". The police asking him to take down his pants, the dogs slobbering around his crotch. The pathetic sight of the limp, Vegemite dick, flapping like a turd, the cling-film being delicately unwrapped, the brown pills hitting the floor. The bottom has fallen out of club culture, and waiting at the bottom for us was a Vegemite-covered penis, wrapped in cling-film.
And what for? What did you achieve? You didn't even sneak them in successfully. You lathered a layer of Vegemite around your penis, strangled it in cling-film and then you got caught. Now I have to write about it, you piece of shit. Now I have to write the headline Someone Tried to Sneak Pills into a Festival by Slathering Them in Vegemite and Cling-Wrapping Them to Their Penis. That's a terrible headline! There are too many components! It's too long! You didn't even get to take the pills. What was any of this for?
It is very rare that I side with the police when it comes to club drug arrests, but in this case I fully endorse this man's apprehension and hope that the full weight of the law comes down upon him. My man: why did you smother your penis in Vegemite and then trap the stank in cling-film? What if you hadn't been caught? You would have started a music festival – the most sustained unhygienic, smelly thing anyone does voluntarily – with a Vegemite dick. This would not have come off with a couple of baby-wipes. You would have spent the whole weekend with a sticky Vegemite penis. Were you planning on having sex at this festival? Couldn't you have at least used Nutella? I hope you go to prison for a long time.
The good news – the one ray of light to break through the dripping brown misery of the Great Vegemite Penis Debacle – is this quote from Inspector Bailey, who oversaw the arrest and reported it to the press apparently in the style of a Donald Trump tweet:
"One smothered his MDMA in Vegemite believing the ... dog would not be able to detect his drugs. Wrong!"
Look at that: a story so fucked up that the best part about it is the police quote. Behaviour so heinous, so appalling, so sticky with yeasty spread, I'm literally siding with the police over a drugs confiscation. What a truly dark day for festival vibes.