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The Party Issue

I Want My Dvds

What a bunch of fucking mongs. The deluded, self-harm-obsessed, gap-toothed stupids waste their youth.

by Larry Lamb
01 December 2004, 12:00am

The Backyard

Dir: Paul Hough

What a bunch of fucking mongs. The deluded, self-harm-obsessed, gap-toothed stupids who waste their youth on sad, pathetic and totally phoney backyard wrestling "tournaments". According to Barry Blaustein, director of another wrestling documentary called Beyond The Mat, this film is "as haunting and memorable as any film you're likely to see this year." What? Hasn't he seen the Nicholas Berg beheading video? Now that's what I call some haunting and memorable footage.

Saying all that, it's actually really entertaining to watch these drongos fuck around with their fake violence and their stupid, pathetic families. I even watched it more than once, but not as many times as the Nicholas Berg video. How are you liking your World War 3 anyway?

Lost In Translation

Dir: Sofia Coppola

Can you believe some idiots thought this film was racist? Check out, it's insane (but very boring). I mean, the facts speak for themselves: the Japanese do bow politely all the time, are physically smaller than Westerners, make cute plastic toys, and eat weird food. If you're offended by Bill Murray's Bob Harris character joking "Have a good fright" before he flies home at the end then you deserve to be battered to death—it's called humour, fuckface, check it out. People and cultures are different! That's why the world's a clazy prace!

Anyway, the Lost In Translation DVD has some cool bonus material and deleted scenes, like the one of "Matthew's Best Hit TV" when the screaming flamer host, a kind of Extreme Graham Norton, gets visibly aroused when Bill Murray forces a live eel down his shirt, and one of Murray goofing around in the hotel swimming pool. If like me you think film producers and their clipboard-touting minions are the scum of the earth and should rot in hell then the "Lost On Location" making-of featurette will piss you off even more. Like when Sofia Coppola, strolling through Tokyo, starts sobbing at the thought of Bill Murray being in her very own movie: "Every girl's dream come true". Or the fat, goateed producer guy who says, "Everything's going great!" all the time, as if he ever imagined making a light comedy starring two of the world's hottest actors and bankrolled by millions of dollars could turn into an unmitigated disaster. Then there's a video for the new Kevin "Bagpuss" Shields' track, which isn't all that.

Also, how come Charlotte and Bob don't exchange phone numbers or emails as they part company, just in case? I still don't get that.