Advertisement
This story is over 5 years old
Film

What the Fuck Is Going on in 'The Expendables 3'?

The stars of the Expendables franchise are "too old for this shit," and frankly so are we. We're too old to be watching a movie this lame.

by Jamie Lee Curtis Taete
20 August 2014, 3:20pm

Despite boasting an all-star cast that includes Randy Couture, Kellan Lutz, Wesley Snipes, Robert Davi, and Kelsey Grammer, The Expendables 3 failed to rake in much cash at the North American box office. With a final gross of $15.9 million, the latest installment in the epic trilogy also ranks as its least popular entry. Somehow, we don't think that's going to stop Sylvester Stallone from scrounging together enough cash to make another one of these poopsicles. Ignoring the most obvious question (Why? God, why?), let's take a look at some of the other headscratchers the makers of this film so generously provided for us.

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS

–Why transport a dangerous fugitive on a train? Trains travel on tracks and are very, very easy to follow. Planes, boats, and cars can actually, you know, change course to avoid danger.

–I know disposable movie henchman are, traditionally, not too bright. But why would you climb on to the roof of a train while there's a helicopter out there that just machine-gunned 10 of your comrades? Why not use the cover of the train?

–There's a prison that doesn't officially exist, but with a dedicated set of train tracks leading directly to it? 

–"Tax evasion"? Is this movie really just one long in-joke? It sure feels like it.

–In that part where they're talking about Terry Crews's gun, and Dolph says something about blowing its wad really fast, then Terry is like, "You got that problem too?" and Sly says, "You really walked into that one,"  what one did he really walk into? I can't even find a joke there, let alone an obvious one. 

–Is there a person alive capable of watching Mel Gibson act angry and not thinking about him abusing his wife?

–What exactly are the skills of the Expendables? They're a very loud, very inconspicuous group of idiots who only ever manage to acheive anything through luck. The train assault, Snipes managing to parkour around the harbor unseen, not getting shot at the art museum when the lights were out, not getting blown up by tanks at the end—this is all luck, not skill. 

–"Conrad Stonebanks" sounds like a DuckTales character's name. Am I supposed to be afraid of him?

–Did Mel Gibson just shoot Terry Crews in the butt?

–How do the Expendables have so many outfits with them? Is there a secret cargo hold on that plane that we don't see? Statham's chunky knits alone could fill up a small aircraft.

–How did Stallone manage to assemble so many human beings who look like erect dicks with faces crudely drawn on? Truly impressive.

–Will Dolph Lungdren be going as Claire from House of Cards for Halloween? He really should. 

–Wait a minute, so this whole film series, from the beginning, was about old men rejecting the notion that they're too old to kick ass, but this movie is about how NOW they're too old? Fuck, they were too old in the FIRST movie.

–While Sly is recruiting new members and flies all around the world to go look at each candidate for ten seconds, would it not have been easier to call them? Or rent out a conference room at an airport Marriott and fly them all in for a group interview? At the very least, find out who you're meeting prior to the 20 seconds before you meet them. I know he has his own plane, but flying from Mexico to Vegas to Wyoming to New York City must have taken fucking ages. 

–That woman is a TERRIBLE bouncer. Some guys fight, so she beats the shit out of them, then smashes a glass bottle in a guy's face? She should be fired. 

–Also, why does she keep saying "men" after she kills men? Is misandry her motivation? Are these hate crimes against men supposed to be cool?

–Stallone won't hire Banderas on the basis of his age? Banderas is at least ten years younger than Stallone. 

–Why is the security at that art museum so bad? 

–Why is Stallone so easy to locate and sneak up on? That happens at least three times during this movie. 

–Does every movie really have to have the bad guy captured directly in the middle of the story so that he/she can give a big speech? The Dark Knight. Skyfall. The Avengers. Star Trek: Into Darkness. Now this. It's almost like they do these things on purpose.

–Why doesn't Banderas just go solo? Does he really, really need a team? There must be solo assassins in the world, right? Or is this a universe where all professional killers have to join a guild?

–When Statham says, "I missed you too, you demented bastard," and Stallone is like, "You could've just left it at demented!" Could he, though? And say what, "I missed you too, you demented"? That doesn't work, Sylvester.

–WAIT, is the country they're in at the end of the movie called Assmanistan? Like, Ass-Man-istan? Jesus.

–Harrison Ford is high up in the CIA, and he can't understand Jason Statham's accent? An English accent? How did he get to where he is today if that's the case? Has he not seen a Harry Potter movie?

–Is "Morons needs friends" the moral of this movie? It was said in a way that made me think it was supposed to be poignant.

–Is the part where Lundgren is getting made fun of for having a wrist computer a callback to a deleted scene? They mention he'd previously busted someone's balls for having one, but who?

–You want to know the truth about Benghazi? Ask Antonio Banderas, I guess. He was there, man.

–At the end, in Assmanistan, what exactly is the plan? Walk into the trap in one giant group to make themselves easier to kill? They don't make any kind of effort to sneak up or assess the threat. One of them even says, "You know he has eyes on us." Why just stroll right on in?

–"This is EXACTLY what he knew would happen—us tearing at each other." What now? Surely that's not what Mel Gibson expected to happen? Surely he expected you to get blown up by the dozens of bombs he planted around you?

–After one of the generic young guys killed a bad guy and stole his motorcycle and helmet, how did the other Expendables know not to shoot him? The recognize his clothes or something?

–OMG did Schwarzenegger just say "choppah"?! That's like that thing he said in that other movie!

–Again, I know that disposable movie bad guys aren't that smart, but why take it in turns to try and shoot Banderas and that MMA lady at close range? Why not just stand 20 feet back and shoot them so they don't get a chance to beat you to death?

–Can helicopters fly upside down?

–Who wrote the one-liners for this movie? Were they auto-generated by a computer? "They got valet parking here?" *Blows hole through wall with tank.* "Here's some right here!" What the FUCK are you guys talking about? Are the characters meant to be having strokes or something?

–Did Banderas really say the happiest moment of his life is taking cover behind a table, then murdering two strangers? His life clearly sucks more than he's letting on.

–There have been like, 20 members of the Expendables now, and it's taken them this long to cast a woman? :(

–Why is Jet Li in this movie? So he could get called short a couple of times?

–There it is again! Schwarzanegger definitely did just say "choppah" like in that other movie! LOL.

–OMG! Did Sly just say "I am the Hague" kinda like that thing he said in that other movie?!

–Are they implying that Arnold and Jet Li are gay at the end? Or was it just a weird homophobic joke that didn't really make any sense?

–What kind of karaoke place plays the actual song for you to sing over? Surely there's a version of "Old Man" without the lyrics that they could use?

Follow Jamie and Dave on Twitter.

Tagged:
cinema
explosions
movies
WTF
Nostalgia
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Jason Statham
harrison ford
wesley Snipes
Vice Blog
action movies
mel gibson
sylvester stallone
Kelsey Grammer
summer blockbusters
The Expendables
Expendables 3
Antonio Bandaras
Dolph Lundgren
80s action films
MMA fighters
Randy Couture
What the fuck is going on in Expendables 3