What the Fuck Is Going on in 'Guardians of the Galaxy'?

Everyone loves the latest Marvel Films epic, but that doesn't mean that it lacks the plot holes, inconsistencies, and weird unanswered questions that every Hollywood blockbuster suffers from.

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05 August 2014, 5:10pm

The latest Marvel release, the relentlessly quirky space epic Guardians of the Galaxy, was a massive box office success in its first weekend and has received nearly unanimous praise. The critical and audience reception has been so deafening that few have considered the inconsistencies, plot holes, and generally illogical shit that every blockbuster film suffers from. Here are just a few of the unanswered questions that caused us to dial the Nova Corps FAQ hotline for advice.

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS

–Why is that orb on that planet at the start, and why was it so easy for him to get? Presumably, this thing is a big deal, and someone that the movie spends a lot of time later establishing as kind of a doofus is able to break in and steal it pretty easily. Even Indiana Jones had a harder time stealing relics.

–Did you guys see the letter the director of this movie posted to Facebook? Where he was talking about how amazing it was that a movie about a bunch of "oddballs, outcasts, and geeks" was so well received? Where the fuck are there any oddballs or outcasts or geeks in this movie? The main character is an objectively attractive, muscular frat bro who's really good at fighting and using weapons and is, generally, a giant badass. And a super attractive alien warrior who is terrifyingly competent. Which of these guys are outcasts meant to be relating to? I feel like, if I went to school with either of these characters, they would have definitely bullied me.

–Is this CGI really the best we can do in 2014? All the scenes on Glenn Close's planet looked like cut scenes from Final Fantasy VII

–Is this really the best we can do for a female lead character in 2014? A stern-yet-sexy ninja-gymnast badass who just needed to find a man to lighten her up? Isn't that character in every movie now?

–How long did that chase scene on Xandar really take before the Nova Corps showed up? For an intergalactic police force, their response time was pretty poor.

–This Thanos guy is supposed to be a real badass, but why does he spend the whole movie sitting on his throne fucking around while that orb is switching hands faster than a rolled-up $20 bill at a coke party? He came off less like an universe-dominating facist dictator and more like a dad who hasn't had his morning cup of coffee yet.

–Did nobody during production or in any of the test screenings point out that having the character say, "I am Groot" is not funny? It's supposed to be funny, right? It didn't get a single laugh in the theater I watched it in. Not one of the 500 times it was said. 

–Why is Benicio Del Toro cosplaying as Mugatu from Zoolander?

–Why was Benicio Del Toro even in this movie?

–What does Star-Lord use to power his tape player? AA Space Batteries? A flux capacitor? 

–How is it possible that that blue dude from Walking Dead looks so much like 50 Cent?

–How does Star-Lord know about Jackson Pollock? He appeared to be between eight and 13 when he was abducted. He really amassed a lot of pop culture knowledge in a very short amount of time. I guess he was one of them latchkey kids, what with his dad being in space and his mom being sick. Still, unless he was watching PBS, he probably doesn't know shit about art (or much about anything that isn't animated and on cable).

–Is Chris Pratt saying, "What the f—" before being interrupted by a sound really the best we can do in 2014?

–Why did the prison guards do a countdown before opening fire on the windows? Why not just shoot them before they have any more time to do stuff?

–Also, why not just shoot all of the missiles at the same time, instead of slowly firing one at a time? All those missiles would surely kill our heroes and end the riot. Are these security guards just into theatrics?

–Why did taking away the gravity neutralize the threat? Do guns not work in zero G?

–Am I the only one who felt bad for all the prison guards who got killed during their escape? Poor dudes were just trying to make a living. 

–When the raccoon and the big muscle dude get in a fight in that bar, why do Star-Lord and Zoe Saldana give a shit? Why not just let them kill each other so they can be a couple of billion credits richer?

–Are the laws of physics different in this universe, because Gamora and Star-Lord should have died (or at least suffered serious internal injuries) when exposed to the empty void of space for almost a minute... unless one of Star-Lord's alien powers is being able to hold his breath for a long time and not die in a vacuum.

–When Zoe Saldana is floating around in space, why didn't they just grab her with the space-arm things and take her back into the big space-head thing?

–How is there not room for two people in that space pod? It looks pretty roomy. 

–The slave girl at Mugatu's lair presumably saw that backstory exposition projection where it shows all those guys dying after grabbing the Infinity Stone. Was that suicide? Was she hoping to kill Mugatu? Because she fucked that up too. He survived long enough to meet Howard the Duck. Was she just really stupid?

–Why did Mugatu even spend a second explaining what the Stone did? Why didn't he just give them the money and tell them to fuck off.

–What's up with those indestructible pods on Knowhere? If an almost indestructible metal exists to build spaceships out of, wouldn't the Kree use that same metal for their spaceships? What were the pods for, anyway? Construction? 

–If Ronan was such a sadistic bastard, why didn't he snap Drax's neck instead of throwing him in that weird rice pudding lake? That was a soft move.

–At the end of Star-Lord's dramatic speech at the end of the second act, he tells his friends to "give a shit," and Drax is all on board with that. If he's a completely literal thinker, wouldn't he take a dump in his hand and try to give it to Star-Lord as a gift or something? Seems like he figure out that particular euphemism.

–Why did they all have to wear the same cool red space uniform in the third act? Just because it looks cool to see them all wearing the same thing? The lil raccoon fella even had his own uniform. Do they have lil raccoon uniforms laying around on the pirate spaceship, or did Yondu have one of his underlings sew one for him in a space sweatshop?

–What did they do with those uniforms after the battle? They weren't wearing them when they flew away from Xandar at the end. Did they keep them as souvenirs? Give them back to Yondu? Sell them for credits? Burn them in a purging fire?

–Did Drax really call Gamora a "whore"? Whoa, dude. She hasn't fucked anyone in this movie yet, not even the rogue-ish hero. Seems unfair TBH.

–When Yondu did that whistling thing with his pocket spear dealie and killed like, ten people and took down a ship, why didn't one of them just shoot him?

–Why does Groot keep revealing these new powers? So much of the movie would have been easier if he'd busted out his killing-20-people-simultaneously or creating-an-impenetrable-cocoon move sooner.

–Why would you store the orb on Xandar? Their entire military was just defeated by someone driving a large ship at the planet. Surely there must be somewhere safer than that?

–What was Chris Pratt's end plan when grabbing the Infinity Stone? He saw what it did to the girl who grabbed it at Mugatu's place. She got disintegrated and the stone remained intact. Was his plan to just kill himself and leave the stone for Ronan to pick up two seconds later? 

–Why were people in the theater I watched this in laughing at the Howard the Duck cameo? Did I miss something? Or was it that Family Guy humor where it's like, "You recognized a pop-cultural reference! Congratulate yourself by having a chuckle"?

–His mom called him "Star-Lord"? I get that she fucked an alien and had a half-alien baby, but that's weird. That's a horrible nickname for a ten-year-old.

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