When Babies Squad Up

You gotta bring the baby around other people of its same altitude. Let the babies all squad up, that's how they trade baby info and compare baby notes and kick all of their baby activities up a notch. Babies learn quicker around other babies, they see other babies do or say this or that thing and they're like, "Oh, tight. That's what all the other babies are on, OK, lemme level up."

Teach the baby how to organise all the other babies and run up into the mall like 40 deep, grab ten tiny Polo jackets a piece and jet, sell them on the black market. Let the baby shoot dice with all the other neighbourhood babies and then let the baby buy you dinner for a change.

The baby will be hella bored of its own toys but then see another baby come around who's super juiced off the toys and the first baby will be like, "Huh, maybe there's something to these things after all," and fuck with the toys some more with a renewed vigour and zest for life.

From what I can tell, babies all have hella advanced jokes, too. Like a baby will just raise its eyebrows at another baby and they'll both start cracking up. Babies are wavy as fuck.

Babies are down to just kind of stare at each other and not even say much. They don't feel some constant urge to fill the void of silence with small talk. The baby has no concept of what's awkward. They'll straight up just reach out and touch each other's faces like "I wonder what your nose feels like. Oh, it feels like that. Word, word."

That being said, they can be moody as fuck and burst into tears off the weirdest shit. Like one baby might insist that the other one take a sip off they lil juice bottle or whatever and then cry like a baby when the other one is like "Naw, I'm good." There's gonna be some grabbing and pushing, yelling, maybe even some mild scraps. You gotta basically be a boxing ref—separate them, move them to different corners and let them lumber back toward each other for a few more rounds. It's a learning process.

If there aren't any available babies, older kids will do fine. A baby will pick up a lot from an older kid and the older kid will usually find the baby an interesting enough novelty to pay attention to for a while. As the kids grow up, the age gap becomes less of a thing and then when they're all adults they'll be like "Oh yeah we been folks since we was babies," and that seems like a positive thing, I guess? I don't know, man. I can't believe I get paid to write a parenting column.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, get your baby to squad up with other babies, mane. Get their lampage levels up, baby lamping is important. Get the babies really working all the baby rooms, get them babies shmoozing early, furl me? You got to get them active, whip the babies into a little frenzy, get them hyped, get the babies to form rival dance crews and have dance battles, get 'em poppin' and lockin', my dude. Get these babies into fraternal orders with advanced step routines and complex multi-part secret handshakes. Let the babies organise, let the babies get the jump on you, put some fire under your ass, hit the ball back into your court. The babies will be running things soon enough. Already are, to be quite frank with you. We're part of a feedback loop of consciousness that's cosmic in proportion. Get these babies to march on Washington, to rock over London, to rock on Chicago, to swag on these ducks, to sit in, to drop out, and tune in to the universal consciousness, to dig love and peace, to destroy police property in protest of police brutality, to serve and protect without the copper badge, to dissolve the wills of gun manufacturers with their mere social attitudes, to universalize love as the primary motive, to move toward a collective agreement on the infinite concept of love, etc., etc. Just put all these babies in the world together with each other and see what they do.

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